Post # 1
I’d appreciate any advice anyone has to give… my fiance and I are having a destination wedding in Europe, and as a courtesy to my parents who live in the U.S., we invited a few of their friends so that they would have other couples to hang out with at the reception. My fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, though, and are keeping it small (80-90 guests).
One of the couples who were invited have decided to “give” the husband’s place to their daughter so that she can travel with the wife instead. I’ve heard all of this through heresay through my mother, who now doesn’t know what to do without coming across rude. My mother is now asking me how she should respond and they are asking her to ask me if it’s OK.
The problem isn’t necessarily that they are treating our wedding as a concert ticket to give away, but rather that I know the daughter and chose specifically not to invite her. She is one of the best friends of my sister and recently was married. She invited my sister but did not invite me.
I find it rude that she now wants to come to my wedding when my fiance and I have a lot of friends that we have not been able to invite yet. I’m also afraid that she will come, want to travel with us and that my sister won’t mingle at the wedding (or even hang out with me) because she is too busy hanging out with her best friend.
I know I’m overreacting a bit, but because it’s a destination wedding, it won’t be just one day that this girl is there… but like a week! And my sister acts differently when she is around her friend (they went to high school together). I always end up feeling left out.
Basically, I know that the reason this girl wants to come is to have a fun vacation with my sister and has no interest in me or my marriage 🙁
I don’t know how to respond, though, without coming across rude or creating a rift in the family. Please help!!
Post # 2
Here is a generic response: “I’m sorry to hear that your husband isn’t able to attend the wedding. I look forward to still seeing just you there, if anything changes please let me know.”
However, I do think it’s rude to invite someone else in ones place. The likely hood of the couple coming is highly unlikely after the response.
Post # 3
We had this happen where my FI’s aunt, whose husband couldn’t come due to work, decided to bring her daughter instead. Fiance doesn’t have anything against his cousin except that he hadn’t been able to invite any other cousins so it would look like favoritism or something. I was initially really upset about it but eventually realized that it’s not as if we’re having to pay anything extra because Uncle Jim was replaced with Cousin Sally. And if anyone has an issue about our guest list then that’s their problem. Now I’m completely fine with it.
Your situation’s a little different in that you seem to resent her for not inviting you to her wedding, but try to be understanding and give her the benefit of the doubt. Most couples are under a ton of pressure to keep within a budget or within their budget’s space limit. It’s usually a hard job deciding who you can and can’t invite. I’m sorry you didn’t make the cut but try not to hang on to those hurt feelings. Honesly, I would let it go and let her travel with her mom. I, for one, wouldn’t want to go to a destination wedding on my own.
Post # 4
Ugh this sucks. I’m sorry. For a wedding that involves travel (ours is in Europe as well) people have ideas that have nothing to do with the wedding. People want to bring their children and their children’s significant others. And pets. And get all excited about seeing people that aren’t you.
I can empathize. My only advice would be to talk to your sister. Say that you know her friend is coming but that you will really need her emotional support and physical presence that week and to please not disappear with her friend or include her friend in everything.
Another option is to be a hardass about the invite and say you have other people that need the invitation. That’s hard though! I didn’t manage, even though, like you, we are paying.
The most comforting thought for me is that our wedding isn’t all about us. And I didn’t want it to be. So part of that is accepting that people will make other choices with their time and attention than I would necessarily hope. And that people I don’t know or love will show up, tagging along for some travel fun with someone else who I really do want there. Life, and marriage, is about compromise, and I guess planning a wedding is a really good lesson in that.
Good luck and all the best to you.
Post # 5
“I’m sorry, the invite was only for you and X. We still look forward to seeing you though!”
Though realistically, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.
1) weddings are not tit for tat. Just because she didn’t invite you doesn’t mean you automatically need to exclude her.
2) If your sister mingles or not, really won’t affect your wedding.
3) Your sister probably will mingle because it’s half her family anyways.
4) Traveling overseas alone sucks, and it would be a nice gesture to allow your parents friend a travel companion.
So even though you are 100% within your rights to not allow this person, I’d probably still let her come.
Post # 6
If they haven’t RSVPed or told you officially, is it possible that she would travel with her mom but not attend your wedding? I’m not sure where they are traveling from, but at least from the US it is not cheap to fly to Europe and they likely want to make the most of what they are paying to be there.
Post # 7
Oh that sounds so disappointing! Overall, I usually lean toward letting someone bring a different guest if they want to. I can easily imagine the mom wanting to go to Europe but not wanting to go alone! However, the other factors make the situation hard. I think talking to your sister is a good approach, too. Hopefully she will be on target of being there for you first! & For what it’s worth, I kind of imagine during your wedding and reception you’re really not going to be focused on who she is or isn’t talking to or mingling with…Hopefully getting married and your new hubby and just having fun will be taking all your focus 🙂
Post # 8
Whatever you decide to do, I would call the guests directly. When you go through someone else, such as your mother, you run the risk of your message taking on a different life when it goes through the grapevine and ending up with a misunderstanding on your hands. Remember playing the telephone game as a kid?
I would personally say “no” to the guest swap. It sounds like this girl is trying to take advantage of someone’s good will and, like you said, get a nice vacation out of it. You aren’t turning away someone who had an emotional investment in seeing you get married, you’re just not agreeing to be taken advantage of. I would call the guest and say something like, “So sorry to hear that Husband won’t be able to come. We would love to have you if you could come alone, but otherwise we’ll certainly miss your presence.”
Post # 9
Agree with everything she said. It comes off as kind of petty not to allow her to travel with her mother who will otherwise be coming all that way alone just because you have a grudge she didn’t invite you to her wedding (which i’m not really sure why you are upset about that since it seems like you don’t really like her)
And it isn’t like having to add an extra person, she’s coming in her dad’s place so whether the dad came or this girl came it would make no difference in regards to the extra people you didn’t get to invite in the first place.
I think you need to decide how important it is for your parents to have people to hang out with and go from there. Honestly, I think if you don’t allow the girl to come the mother probably won’t come either.
Post # 10
I forgot to put this in my original posting. I would go ahead and give a polite response stating that only your mother’s friend is invited and not the daughter. You’re obviously worried about this, and if you can’t squash whatever reasons for not not originally inviting her, there’s no point in being upset over it on your wedding day and worrying up until that point about it. If you can get over it, then it’s fine to invite her. (It does seem petty if there are no other reasons to invite her besides the fact that she didn’t include you in your wedding. However, if you geniunely don’t like the girl it’s more understandable.)
Once you give the response though that couple isn’t likely to come to the wedding. I would just let your mother mingle with the other couples you invited for her and your other family and friends. As others have said you have to figure what what’s the most important to you. Having an extra person for your mother and sister to mingle with, or let them mingle with those who are already coming.
Do not invite people who pose a threat to your comfort level. It will not be beneficial to you.
Post # 11
When you have a Destination Wedding I think you need to loosen up on these sorts of rules. I’d suggest you let it go.
Post # 12
I think it’s really rude to expect someone to go all the way to Europe for you but not allow them to bring the companion of their choice. You were already planning to pay for this lady’s husband’s plate. Who cares if his butt is in that chair or someone else’s is? As for the “well she didn’t invite me to her wedding” all I can say is it’s really childish to keep track like that. For all you know, she feels awful about not being able to accomodate you.
Post # 13
I really don’t think it’s worth the drama/headache that leaving her out will cause. There’s no nice way to say “you have to travel alone bc I’m holding a grudge”.
Post # 14
IMO, I don’t think this is a big deal. It sounds like you don’t want her to come just to spite her (since you weren’t invited to her wedding) rather than being truly concerned with her distracting your sister. Clearly, the husband doesn’t want to go if he so easily forfeited his ticket, and I wouldn’t want a guest to travel alone if I could help it.
If it truly bothers you, say something. But honestly, I’d just let this one go.
Post # 15
I do get where you and PP are coming from, but I just don’t find this rude. Because the husband can’t go, she obviously doesn’t want to go alone, so she’s asking to bring her daughter. I think it’s understandable and I would say of course! I don’t think it will affect you as much as you’re thinking it will, and with a Destination Wedding you have to be a little more understanding and accomodating. I think it will sound extremely rude and harsh of you to basically tell her to come alone or not at all.