Post # 1
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
I am not going into the reasons why we do not want children at our wedding as I don’t even think its anyone’s business. I want to know if I should put up a fight about the 2 children from my fiances side (cousins kids he doesnt even really know) who my fiance told his parents he would give the option to bring. He did not stay firm on our policy because of the major guilt his parents put on him (we are disaapointed; but our family is so small; your cousin and aunt may never speak to you again). This not only puts me in an awkward situation with my family but it affects me as I am starting to resent his parents, which I think can have long lasting implications. Should I just leave it alone?
Post # 3
Member
5480 posts
Bee Keeper
@aconnor82: I think it depends on the circumstances… who is paying for the wedding and reception?
Are these people travelling to be there?
How old are the children in question?
We had a mostly kid-free wedding, the exceptions were breast-feeding infants, my 5 y/o niece who was our flower girl, and some older kids (over 10 and very well behaved) whose parents had to travel from out of state to be there.
Post # 4
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
@DaneLady:
We are paying.
Yes, from Chicago and we are in NY. However, I have family from Massachusetts and Ireland who are coming and their children will not be invited.
The kids are 12 and 14. Again, my family has kids around the same age and younger.
Post # 5
Member
1817 posts
Buzzing bee
I would be more irritated with your FI for not having your back. Yeah, they can throw the guilt but it is his choice what he does with it.
Post # 6
Member
45534 posts
Honey Beekeeper
@aconnor82: It depends on if the people have already been told they can bring their kids. It’s realy hard to retract an invitation.
I wouldn’t resent his parents. They just did what many parents would do. What would concern me is that your FI didn’t stand up to his parents, that he made this decision without discussing it with you, and that he went against a decision the two of you had previously made.
I agree with you that it may cause problems with your other guests. Unless both of the children are nursing infants, which is highly unlikely, people will be wondering why their children were excluded.
Post # 7
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
@hermom: Exactly what I was going to say.
Having a child free wedding comes with its down falls. Some epoepl might not attend and some might be upset. The two of you made the decision you made together and should have stood by that decision. Even if your FI changed his mind (which might happen once he sees the downside) he should have talked to you about it first.
Post # 8
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
@hermom: I am trying not to be but I am irritated with him! I, however, eventually gave up and said they can come if its such a huge deal because my fiance was practically in tears. Now I regret it.
Post # 9
Member
1817 posts
Buzzing bee
You need to go back to him, tell him you guys need to have this talk again from square one and get on the same page with each other. If this is putting him in tears to be between you and his parents something isn’t right.
I am all for no kid weddings – really enjoy them. Does your FI REALLY want a kid friendly wedding or is he saying he does to make you happy? OR Does your FI REALLY want a no kid wedding and caving to his parents to make them happy?
You guys need to start from square one on this, decide how you both really feel about it and get on the same page. Once you are on that page there should be no caving.
Post # 10
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
@hermom: Good advice. I would hate to enter a marriage and family like this.
Post # 11
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
@aconnor82: I would personally try speaking with the aunt and explaining that no other kids are invited – if you have people coming from Ireland and having to leave their kids at home they may be very offended when they arrive to find other kids in attendance. Perhaps even worse for you than if you had offended only the aunt.
Post # 12
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
@aconnor82: At this point – if your fiance is on the verge of crying you need to compromise.
You have EVERY right to be pissed and yes he should have stayed firm but he didn’t and to undo it could cause a TON of drama.
Sometimes you gotta pick your battles and sometimes you lose them. Normally I would say hold your ground but he already opened the damn floodgates and if he’s really upset and it’s going to cause a ton of stress to try to fix it. Just let it go. He’s probably feeling really bad as is.
Post # 13
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
@JessicaJupiter: Yes he has reached out to his cousin to hopefully smooth it over. I know! My famiy will definitely wonder about that. It has to be all or nothing! I hope it works out. Besides that I dont think I will ever forget how his parents handled this and how they are willing to put me in this situation.
Post # 14
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
@aconnor82: Take it from me. I had a child free wedding but I caved and allowed a child to come.
My family was NOT pleased at this.
It has to be all or nothing or it will look like you are playing favorites.
I think you need to talk to your inlaws and remind them that you do not want to offend others.
Post # 15
Member
4780 posts
Honey bee
Well all I know is that if I came to your kid free wedding and jumped thorugh hoops to leave my kids at home and traveled without them to come to your wedding and I see that the other half of the guests were allowed to bring kids, I may never speak to you again.
Post # 16
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Usually expections to “no kids” are breastfeeding infants, kids in the bridal party or children of bridal party members, or immediate family members- i.e. siblings or nieces/nephews. Second cousins (or whatever the relationship is) are not immediate. Agreed that it’s all or nothing.
You can always offer to find a babysitter for these two for the evening, if the whole family is planning on flying in for the wedding. These two are old enough that they could stay with another family back home for the weekend, if needed.
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