Post # 1
I’m in desperate need of help but I don’t even know what will help anymore. Maybe typing this out will be therapeutic.
DH and I had our first baby 5 months ago. We had been married just over a year. My parents (who live on the other side of the country) came to help out. They stayed with us for a couple months and did not get along with DH. I can see it from both sides: they are traditional and haven’t seen me in a long time and wanted to help out and expected to be welcomed with open arms. They can be very critical and overbearing but I have missed them and was very happy to have them around. DH however found it stifling (which I can empathize with) and was anti social and not always friendly. He and I also got into a few fights (keeping in mind it was also a very stressful time with a new baby and the in-laws around), which led my parents to feel like he was a bad guy.
Anyway, now my parents still harbour extreme feelings about him. It’s to the point where I am flabbergasted. They say mean things about him when I chat with them, my mom cries all the time and says he mistreated them (she can be dramatic and uses her poor health as leverage), they won’t let me come visit home, and say they never want to see DH or even think about him.
I am so hurt and sad. I feel like the past 5 months have been spent agonizing over my parents and DH’s relationship and not spent being happy about my baby. It has made me so depressed. I am so torn because I miss my family and have wanted to move closer to them but now it seems impossible.
What do I do? Do I choose a side? Abandon my husband? Abandon my family?
If you read this far, thank you. I really needed to get that off my chest.
Post # 2
What were the fights about? I usually find parents (providing they are decent human beings and decent parents) are pretty cluey when it comes to who is suitable for you. I don’t know the full story so I can’t say but I am curious what the fights were about.
Post # 3
it was a range: sometimes we fought because I wanted him to make more of an effort with my family, I was mad he was out real late at a friend’s, he felt like my family was taking over the house etc etc.
Post # 4
What were the fights like? Did he yell at you, belittle you or call you names?
It’s concerning that your parents reacted so strongly. What reasons do they give? Were they like that with any of your prior SOs?
Post # 5
Okay, so obviously we don’t know what kind of things went on to give your parents such a strong impression, but I will say this (and I’m okay if you want to comment negatively on this, but don’t pretend like this can’t be a factor):
First time parents (or any parents with a newborn) are trying to navigate their way through tough times with little sleep and little routine. I’m assuming your parents were somewhat overbearing. DH wouldn’t have had a negative reaction for no reason – if he was going to be rude to your parents over nothing, it would have happened before the wedding or during that year of marriage prior to baby arriving.
In my life, my parents have always been happy to take a step back and let me make my own decisions and do my own thing at my own pace. That’s not to say that they can’t make suggestions or talk me through things, but I set the pace in my life and they follow my lead and support me from there. Now, if I was used to parents giving me that kind of space and then my SO’s parents came to stay for TWO MONTHS (that’s a long time!) and were more involved, opinionated and forceful in their ideas, I’d be pissed off too.
Of course, the other side of this argument is that if I was feeling this way about my in-laws, I’d be having a respectful conversation with my SO privately about my feelings and I would rely on them to tell their parents to back off.
So my question is… Does this sound familiar at all?
As for DH going out with his friends… I don’t think it would be a problem if it was a once-off, but if you had a 2 week old baby and he went on a weekend-long bender then I can see how bad impressions can be made.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
In all honesty, you made vows to your husband to put him first – there shouldn’t be a single question about abandoning your husband. And I sympathise with him – I like my inlaws but there is no way I’d want them staying for two months. It does sound like he needs to pull his head in a bit (staying out late with friends while you’re at home with the baby isn’t cool) but how much of that behaviour was because your parents weren’t there – has he done it since they’ve been gone?
Your mom is manipulating you as well. She’s trying to get you to leave your husband and bring your baby home so she can be the second parent to your child. Don’t fall for it. If they say mean things about him, end the conversation (“mom, you’re talking about the man I chose to marry. If you can’t be civil, this conversation is over” then hang up).
Post # 7
My mum tends to exaggerate quite a bit… it doesn’t help that my DH has a different religion and I converted.
I would avoid conversations about your husband with your parents for now and let it cool down a bit. They’ll want to see their grandchild so you can then go visit, stay in a hotel and take it slow.
Most important of all is your baby!!! Enjoy every moment!!!
Post # 8
My mom is the same way as yours it sounds. She’s extremely over bearing, and I can’t even imagine if I had a child. I’m sure she would just quit her job and move in without even asking. I learned a LONG time ago with her I needed to block her out and cut her off when she got like that. After she didn’t see me over the holidays about 11 years ago she really got her crap together. I would never imagine leaving my husband because my mother can’t act like an adult and tried to guilt me using her poor health (things mine does on a regular basis, but until last week had left my SO out of it). Why on earth did they need to stay with you for two months? Did you have a hard birth and need that many extra hands (2 to take care of you and 2 to take care of baby)? It sounds like you should have put your foot down with your parents a long time ago and unless there was some type of complications I cannot imagine a reason they needed to move in a take over your house for 2 months. If my SOs mom moved in for 2 months, I would have left him. And when my mom visits for a weekend here and there to help with wedding planning I encourage him to get out of the house and even stay with friends so he doesn’t have to deal with her. I would never subject him to her overbearing or guilt trips for more than a weekend. I really think you need to put your foot down with your parents and majorly appoligize to your hubby. I’m talking steak dinner and front row tickets to his favorite sports team with sexy underwear for after.
Post # 9
I think you make a very valid point here. We obviously don’t know the full story but from what I read I can sympathize with your DH. The situation was probably handled poorly from both sides and hopefully giving it some time for everyone to cool down will help.
As a side note, I do not like anyone who makes ultimatums. Your parents saying that they don’t want to have anything to do with you and the baby is just brutal, mean and childish. It should matter more to them that you and your family are happy than to be all huffy now because they feel your husband didn’t treat them right.
Post # 10
I would have crawled out of my skin if my in laws stayed for MONTHS while I tried to deal with a newborn. My mom came for two weeks with the understanding that I would not be hosting her in any way. She was there to be helpful, the end. Is part of the reason your parents are upset the “hosting” factor? Because no one with a newborn has time for that.
Also arguing the first few months is totally normal. Our friends agreed that nothing they said between midnight and 6 am counted haha. Hormones + trying to keep a tiny human alive will always lead to stress and disagreements. I tend to take your husbands side on this one. Also, there is no way I would EVER entertain my parents talking poorly about DH.
Post # 11
If my parents stayed with us for 2 months when my baby was born I think my husband would probably have filed for divorce. I 100% sympathize with your husband.
Post # 12
I feel like it’s a bit extreme questioning whether you should abandon your husband lol. My parents are very protective of me and they didn’t much like my ex husband. Although he was quite disrespectful towards me which is probably why. I can see your husbands point of view though – having the in-laws over at such a stressful, transitioning period in life is rough. I think until you and your husband have adjusted to being new parents you should see your parents alone with your son. When things have fallen into place and a routine has been established then you can have them back over. I would only host them for a couple of days. Two months is a handful regardless of whether your life is at a stressful point.
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel
From what you said he doesn’t sound very supportive being out late with friends while your at home with a newborn? WTF! Also being rude to your parents is not on, I understand your parents being worried
Post # 14
Just wondering, are you of Asian background with a white husband?
Post # 15
Honestly, if my in laws were in my home for months with my spouse and newborn, I’d probably stay out late too. It sounds like your husband didn’t feel welcome in his own home.