(Closed) Parents hate husband

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
10222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Oops.  I missed the part about the ILs staying for months.

I wouldn’t be able to handle that either.

Post # 17
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

i think your family is now your husband and your baby and both of them have to come first. Have you talked with your husband about how to solve the problem? Assure him that he comes first but you want to make things right with your parents.

i don’t believe he behaved appropriately by staying out late but can certainly empathise why. When things weren’t going smoothly with your parents staying, why did they continue to stay on and not make their excuses? I don’t really think they’re being fair to hold stuff against their son-in-law who had just had a new born baby… hopefully things will resolve with time (I have family issues too and am hoping for similar) but you need to make it clear to your parents that you and your husband are now one and you’re all family at the end of the day. It’s time to just let the past be the past and move on from it. I hope your parents can understand and accept that. 

Post # 18
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee

Without knowing all the facts I kinda feel sorry for your hubby. I would HATE to live with my in laws for any extended period of time let alone with a newborn baby. I’m sure they would leave with poor opinions of me too. Agree with PP’s that your new family – husband and Bub – come first now. Unless he has done stuff to warrant your parents hate…

Post # 19
Member
7974 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i didn’t even want my mom staying more than a couple hours each day, i can’t imagine the ILs staying for months.

i side with your husband on this one. it should have been the two of you bonding with your baby and making a routine.  your husband probably felt pushed out of his own home.

Post # 20
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m on your husbands side – sorry. We just had my husband’s parents at our house for 3 days around the holidays and that was way too much – I felt myself start to get cranky with them. I can’t imagine having a newborn and your critical/overbearing parents invading my house for months. I’m sorry but this is WAY too much. Some people just dont do well in those types of situations. 

Abandon your husband? Seriously? I’d start hanging up the phone with your parents whenever they talk bad about your husband. You need to stand up for him. 

Post # 21
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I understand both sides – I feel stifled too when my in laws visit – and usually drag my husband to our bedroom to yell at him to get out my anger at the ILs. I should point out we never fight or yell when we’re here alone. 

However, it was a difficult time for both you and your DH when the baby came – it’s very common to be stressed and emotions high. Maybe explain that to your parents. Tell them all the great things your DH does to help out. Tell them it was very stressful with the new baby, and he’s not normally like that. All you can do is keep reassuring them that he’s great, and very supportive. They’ll eventually come around to see what a great guy he is 

Post # 22
Member
2956 posts
Sugar bee

First piece of advice: never argue with your spouse in front of parents. Parents will forever take their child’s side and are not going to ever get over it.

You admit your parents are overbearing. While I can see both sides, I empathize with your husband, not your parents. How you parents are acting now is way out of line (based on the info you have given.) 

Post # 23
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
worldtraveler :  I wonder this too!

In my culture (Chinese) the grandparents coming to stay with the couple to help with new baby is par for the course and nigh on expected of them.  The expectation lies more with the husband’s parents though, but I see how it wouldn’t apply if the husband is white. 

I’m about to have a baby and my aunt is coming to stay with us for a month to help me out during the “sitting month”. My mom isn’t retired or she would have come.

Chinese culture has strong belief that new mother must be allowed to rest the first month or she will have lasting consequences.  I thought my husband wouldn’t be on board but he is Spanish and in Spanish culture there’s also a 40-day confinement period for new moms, so he understands. 

Post # 24
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

My parents can be like this, especially my mom who cries at the drop of a hat.

Let’s just say it was a big mistake to move your parents into your house for months. A week, maybe. But you are newly married and just had a baby. New parents need space and time to set up a routine and figure out how to take care of their kid without adding anyone else into the mix.

Time will be the best thing at this point. Let sleeping dogs lie and concentrate on your own little family now. The parents will come around eventually when they realize DH is not going anywhere.

Post # 26
Member
17 posts
Newbee

So there’s a cultural misunderstanding then. Did he know about this tradition beforehand? Is this a tradition you would like to keep? I think your parents are being overbearing but there needs to be a compromise somewhere.

I am Hapa so I understand the push and pull that is happening.

Post # 27
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
marriedbeebuzz :  My husband and my parents get along great, but I doubt they would if he were forced to live with them for 2 months, let alone with a newborn!  3-4 days is about our limit 🙂

I don’t think it’s fair that you expect him to vary from whatever his normal routine would be just because your parents are there – I mean, they’ve basically moved in!  It’s also not fair of your parents to freak out because you two had a couple of fights in front of them.  I mean, you’re adjusting to a new reality with a baby, and you can’t be expected to act like everything’s ok 100% of the time.  

Maybe he just doesn’t get the cultural differences – I know I wouldn’t.  Even if I understood it intellectually, the practical aspect is much more to handle.

Post # 28
Member
7240 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
camenae :  a resting month sounds DIVINE! 

OP- I would lose my mind if my in laws were in my house for two months after I had a new baby (I actually lived with my inlaws for a year after my son was born but they have a very large home and we had our own apartment and they are wonderfully generous and very into not invading others’ space- and I still would never do it in my own home).

I sympathize with you and your husband in this situation because having your parents come stay should alleviate stress but having overbearing people (who sound like they’re not great with healthy boundaries and what it means to have an adult child) in your home during what is one of the most stressful times in a life and a partnership just sounds like a recipe for disaster.

You need to show your parents that you are clear about your choices in life- when they start talking shit about your husband, you need to let them know that it’s not okay. And have your husband’s back. Then give them time to come around. A baby is a wonderful motivator for people to overcome their own foolishness.  

Post # 29
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
marriedbeebuzz :  It sounds like from your update that your husband  has done basically nothing wrong (what person on this earth wouldn’t be spending time out when their inlaws have taken over their home for MONTHS?). For the good of your marriage, you need to put up some boundaries and focus on your new baby and your husband. That means hanging up when your parents start to speak poorly of your husband. In time I am sure you will be close with your parents again, but you should focus on your immediate family now. 

Post # 30
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m living this from your husband’s side right now. My daughter is 2 weeks old and I’m 5 weeks into my In-Laws stay. They’re here til the end of February.  I’d rather they left at the end of my c section recovery at the end of January but DH asked them to stay until his birthday. 

We live in 4 rooms and are falling over each other.  It’s driving me mad. I feel like we haven’t been able to enjoy our baby together or realise what caring for her will really be like when it’s just us. I am grateful but it really is a massive strain and just because you’re happy to have them around doesn’t mean your husband has to be and the expectation that he should be is unfair. 

Also I have to question why you say your parents comments about your husband have “marred your opinion of him”. All due respect,  do you not know your husband well enough yet to have established your own opinion of him? I find it desperately worrying your parents can have so much influence over your feelings for someone you’re meant to have chosen for a life partner.if he treats you well, your parents shouldn’t get an opinion. 

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