Post # 1
I’m curous what other people would do in this situation. My husband and I are very fortunate that my parents are willing to help us with the majority of a downpayment on our first home. While husband and I make good money, we don’t have very much saved up due to student loans, paying down CC debt and the general high cost of living in our city.
We’re getting ready to move back near my hometown (where my parents still live), and they have graciously offered to help us with a downpayment so we can start building equity. We wouldn’t be able to purchase a home on our own (paying a mortgage is not the problem…it’s the downpayment) for at least another few years, so we would like to accept their offer to help, and consider it a loan.
But, now that the house hunting has started, my dad basically wants to pick the house for us. He’s looking at everything we’re interested in, but it’s “no, you’re too close to a busy street, what if the dog got out??” “That is WAY too small of a house”, “Taxes in that town will be too expensive”, etc. etc. I know he has nothing but good intentions but we would really like to have the say in the house we pick. I don’t want to feel like we’re picking a home because of what my dad wants.
He’s also kind of a hot head, so whenever I make a comment about not liking a place that he thinks is “perfect for us”, he’ll pull the “well, you two can do it on your own then” card. It’s the ultimate guilt trip… he always has to throw those little jabs in there.
I love my dad to death and again he has nothing but good intentions, but now I’m questioning if we should accept the help at all. But, we REALLY need the help to get into a house vs. renting, and financially, it makes so much more sense to buy (vs rent) in the area I’m from because rents are so high. Our mortgage (taxes, insurance etc. included) would be hundreds cheaper than rent.
I know I am extremely fortunate that my parents are willing to help in the first place, so this isn’t meant to come off as whiny. Just looking for some advice here.
Post # 2
I would just suck it up honestly. You are really fortunate. Who cares if that downpayment comes with an earful of advice.
Post # 3
If your parents are giving you the money to buy the house, then they get a say. If you don’t like them having a say, don’t take their money.
Post # 4
I would think long and hard about waiting a couple of years if I were you. It seems like your dad is already hanging the money over your head. A home is a huge purchase that you will be making payments on for years to come. If I’m paying for something, I want exactly what I want, not what someone thinks I should have.
Post # 5
I agree, either suck it up or rent a place on your own. My Darling Husband & I had to save for years and work our butts off to own a house. If our parents were handing us money, I’d accept whatever advice they had!
Post # 6
Sounds like that your dad come with you on house hunting. Can you just ask him of what is his check list of a ‘good house’; have discussion to make sure you both agree to the list (so nothing outrageous for you or something looks unhealthy/bad from his view); and ask, if you can get a house that fulfill around 80% of the list, will he let you get it? I am greatful that my parents able to help too, and similar approach (especially the discussion and setting up limit/clear targets) really help a lot in reducing their nervousness of us being first-time homebuyer and unnecessary debate.
Post # 7
I believe that a gift is a gift, meaning no strings attached- if your parents want to give help with a down payment, it is not them buying the rite to telling you which home to buy, but I understand everyone has different beliefs on this. Due to the fact that they believe lending/giving you money means that they get to choose the house, I might not accept the money, especially if I wanted to live in the house for several decades and was really opposed to the houses he liked. If you, your husband, and dad agree on what you like in houses, then maybe I would consider accepting the gift. Renting and saving up your own money is not a terrible fate, especially since you suggest that you are able to earn enough to cover living expenses and save up for a downpayment
Post # 8
jazzybee26: That’s how I feel too which is why I’m struggling with this. The last 2 places we found (and loved) were crossed off the list because my dad didn’t like them, but if he’s helping with the downpayment, I get that he does have a say. But giving us advice vs. saying “no” to a house we love are 2 different things. That’s making me lean towards waiting and saving up on our own.
Then I think about the flip side, how hard it will be to get in a place on our own, and I go back to accepting the help.
I’m really not sure what to do and I know I’m lucky to even have this “debate” going on but I’m trying to make the best/smartest decision. Husband and I would like to start a family soon and I’d really like to be settled in a permanent place before we bring kids into the picture.
Post # 9
Sometimes parent’s years of experience actually are worth something. Try to listen with an open ear. If considering the point of view of someone, who has your best interest at heart, is more than you can do – then decline the offer of the loan and buy the house you want – without input – when you can afford it.
Post # 10
lleello: Yep, he is house hunting with us. He’s also really picky when it comes to real estate which doesn’t help. My husband and I have a list of what we want, including non-negotiables, but we don’t have a list like that that includes my dad’s non-negotiables. That’s a great idea.
Post # 11
If his input bothers you so much, decline his offer and rent for a while. You can still start a family while you’re renting. There’s nothing wrong with renting.
Post # 12
Money rarely comes without strings.
You have to work out if you can live with those strings.
But I will say as far as strings go these are pretty good strings because the advice your dad gave that you posted is good advice. Living on a busy street sucks and taxes only go up.
Post # 13
Laur12: You need to determine if it’s more important for you to be in any house ASAP, or in a house you really love later down the line. Your parents are being very gracious for sure, but their generosity is coming with strings. It’s your HOME. I would rather save so I could have something I really love. I hate my current place and am miserable, luckily we are just renting though. Just my .02! Again, it’s an incredible gesture from your parents.
Post # 14
Are we sisters, lol? The stuff you said about your dad is so spot on for mine.
Like yours, my parents are very generous with money, but it always comes with strings attached in the sense that they want to make decisions for me. They have put money away to help me with a down payment, but my Fiance and I are going to turn it down because we want full control over the decision of where to live and which home to buy. Sorry, but I think you have to choose one or the other – take your parents’ money together with their input, or pay for it on your own and pick the house you and your Fiance want.
Post # 15
Have you spoken to him about it, explained you really loved those two houses, you really wanted to move forward but he vitoed it, and ask if maybe you and husband vs him have such different ideas as to what you and your husband need in a house that it might be best if you decline his very gracious gift. Don’t make it a threat, just.. let him know how you’re feeling.
I understand if it’s not an option because of his temper.. I just know that’s what I’d do with my dad, if I were in that situation. To be fair though: my dad has given me money with no strings attached in the past, just good solid advice, so he might just be a different beast altogether.