(Closed) Parents Meeting the Parents… I don't know what to do.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@akirasan:  There’s really no need for the parents to meet. My parents met his only twice before our wedding, but they didn’t really speak much. And I’m guessing our sitation is not unusual.

I assume your fiance meets your parents regularly though. If your parents are worried about him suddenly deserting you, then him meeting your parents is a bit of an insurance (because I’d be suspicious of any guy who didn’t want to meet his gf’s family), but I don’t see how it makes any difference if the parents meet.

Post # 6
Member
10588 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

As long as everyone is capable of being reasonably civil, I think having them meet each other is a good idea.  They don’t need to become each other’s best friends.  You have time on your side, it might be easier to get any personality clashes over with well before the wedding.

When it comes to actual wedding planning, it might also keep you out of the middle a little less.  I think many parents think that they are trying to come to a compromise with their (adult) children.  They don’t really realize that their children have already tried to come up with middle ground between the families.  The more they know about the other family, the more sympathic they may be about the compromise!

Post # 7
Member
1777 posts
Buzzing bee

How close are you to FI’s parents? 

Can you be honest with them and say what you’ve written here:  Please excuse my parents but culturally they have some beliefs that I don’t share, they feel the relationship is more stable if the parents meet.  So,  I’m feeling some pressure from them to meet you.  Please understand that my father can be abrupt and has no filter on what he says, PLEASE do not be offended.  etc. 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I guess this is one of those moments where you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and get it over with. The longer this is dragged out, the longer your parents are hassling you about this, and the longer you’re stressing about how the first meeting will go.

You do seem to have a lot of concerns about how your parents will act. Maybe try asking yourself… “So what if that happens? What if my dad is loud and appears rude? It will be embarassing, but it’s not a reflection on me and my fiance’s parents know that.” If you’re concerned about your parents bringing up marriage, try discussing it with them beforehand. Then if they mention it to your in-laws, you can say “No, mum, we talked about this a few months ago. We want to finish our studies before we get married.”

If it helps, maybe speak with each set of parents about what to expect (it sounds as though your fiance’s parents are pretty easy going, and will most likely understand that you’re stressed). If things do go poorly, what’s the worst that could happen? Your parents and your fiance’s parents just won’t spend anymore time together!

Post # 9
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@akirasan:  My parents (well one set, child of divorce) met my SO’s parents about 6 months after we started dating. We’re all very westernized, to the point where we don’t where we all came from! My family was here pre-Revolutionary war, and his… they’re not really sure!

SO wanted our parents to meet. I was very nervous but went along with it. Of course, his parents are amazing. But SO and I were having sex and I was sleeping over with him a lot, and his parents knew pretty much everything.

I did have him discuss things with his parents. His parents were raised Christian but no longer practice, my dad is a pastor. His parents are fine with me sleeping over, mine cut me out of the family for the past month because I let it slip that I have a suitcase full of clothes at SO’s place. His parents are cool like cucumbers, mine are crazy like… crazy.

They met, it was a nice night. His parents knew what I was worried about, as I was very open about the things they disproved of. They accepted that my SO and I were young adults and could make our own choices, and while they didn’t have to lie, I feel like they would have stretched the truth for us.

I think if you can be open with your FI’s parents about your parents, and their concerns, they will hopefully understand and while they may not like it, if you both talk to them and say, “This will really help my parents calm down and help us enjoy our relationship more because I won’t have my parents stressing me out all the time.” They should hopefully be helpful. If they’re so liberal that they can’t rein in their own opinions on life, then… well that stinks.

Post # 10
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re compromising your studies over this worry?  Have them meet as soon as possible.  Both sets of parents are adults and, from what you’ve described, have experience getting along with people who think differently than they do.

 

You will not be able to control their behavior. That said, both sets of parents will be on their best behavior when they meet each other.

 

The parents meeting each other is nerve-wracking at any age–I was in my mid-thirties and dreaded it, even though I didn’t worry about specifics on how my father would come across, I just felt very strange about it.  It was fine, and it be something of a weight off my mind on when we get close to the wedding day, that they’ve met.

 

One more thing–think about what you tell your parents about your FI’s parents’ business. If they’re offended by ideas such as renting a room, then they really don’t need to know about it, and the details of the financial reasons behind it. That drama is one you created by sharing that information.

Post # 12
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@akirasan:  Ah, gotcha.  In that context it makes sense.

Still, I think just having them meet, and getting it over with, is the best idea.

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