Post # 1
I was perusing the “Money” forums and it seems to me that while a lot of the advice on the Bee is to not take money from your or his parents, many of you do.
If you’re in that position – how did the conversation come up? What was it like? What was the resolution?
I’m not yet engaged, but will be soon (currently designing ring with my SO). I know a few years ago my parents funded most of my brother’s wedding, but we don’t really talk about money in my family so I have no idea how much that was or how they came to an agreement. Knowing my parents at least (and probably his, tbh), I feel like they would want to contribute something even just as a guesture, but I have no idea how we would broach the subject when the time comes. Really curious how other families discussed money when it came to their wedding.
Post # 2
apresallday : My sister beat me to the altar. They gave me the same amount they gave her. There were never any strings attached to the money with her. They made a very small number of requests for guests, which were happily accommodated.
I read some stories on here and am just grateful for my amazing parents. They just want me to have the wedding I want, and they have given me a very generous contribution to making it happen.
Post # 3
We pretty much let our parents come to us. We knew we wanted to pay for the majority ourselves because we wanted to dictate every last detail. My parents told us at some point they wanted to contribute and we said that it was very generous of them and that we didn’t expect them to. They insisted but we totally left it up to them. They gave us a cheque a couple days before the wedding.
His parents also contributed and it was the exact same thing. We got a cheque from them a few days before the wedding as well.
So if you are relying in money from parents then a conversation about expectations will need to happen beforehand for sure. In our case, we didn’t rely on it so we didn’t push or ask them about it so it didn’t matter that they contributed after everything was already paid for.
Post # 4
My parents always said they would pay for my wedding. When I got engaged they told me they would pay. They never gave me a set budget for the whole wedding. My mom told me what they’d like to keep the budget to for certain things and then with others I’d send her links and cost estimates to know if they were comfortable paying for it.
My parents were awesome in the process. They didn’t pressure us to do anything a certain way. Originally, my mom had wanted us to do an appetizer/cocktail reception but when I told her we actually wanted to do food stations because we’d get a lot more food for less money she was fine with that. And they requested that we invite certain people which I was also totally fine with.
Post # 5
I was lucky. When I told my dad I was engaged, he gave me a flat amount and didn’t care how I spent it. I had zero drama, thankfully. And I came in under budget!
The only thing that came up during planning was from my mom, who thought it would be SO cute to have my 5 nieces be flower girls. I shut that down immediately.
Post # 6
About a week after getting engaged, my dad informed me that he and my step mother would like to contribute some money towards our wedding. I told him that there was no expectation whatsoever that he do this, and he told me that it’s something they wants to do for all their children (I was the first to get married) as their gift to us. Around the same time, my Mother-In-Law informed Darling Husband that she would be giving us $X amount towards the wedding. She gave us the same amount that she gave my SIL when she got married.
There weren’t any strings attached to any of the money that we received. We did run things by our parents, as we felt that they should have some say because of their (significant) contributions, but they always told us to do what we felt was best/what was right for us. We are incredibly lucky that we have the parents we do, as all they wanted was to help us have the wedding day we wanted.
Post # 7
ctbxbee : I’m glad you had such an easy run with it! There sure are some horror stories on here of families buying a right to invitations, opinions, vetos etc. I know my parents would just treat it as a gift with no expectations. I’m curious though – how did the conversation come up with your parents?
mrspuppylove : That sounds like a great way to do it. We’re fine to pay for the wedding ourselves, so this could work really well.
Post # 8
apresallday : my parents gave us about 10K (they offered 15k, but we only wound up taking about 10). The key here is they *offered*. We never asked. We got engaged, and my mother said “we gave your sister 15k and will do the same for you.” Darling Husband and I were concerned about strings, and made it very clear that we appreciate the gesture, but we’re also on a different financial position from my sister (we were planning to pay for the whole wedding ourselves) and intend to plan the wedding WE wanted. My parents understood, and said they still wanted to gift us the money, no strings attached. We did then ask if there were any friends of theirs they would like to invite (but this was kept reasonable – I think they invited 5 couples, all of whom we knew). My mom wrote us a check for 2k every month for half a year. No issues. But we also planned the wedding WE could afford without them – their money was just a nice gift.
Post # 9
apresallday : I have been very blessed with a very hardworking and loving father and mother and about 3 weeks after we were engaged we all sat down at the kitchen table after dinner and had “the talk.” They offered to foot $20-25k for our wedding which is beyond incredible. In my current state I could not afford the wedding we wanted by ourselves but the wedding is coming together more like a family affair and not just some event for just fiance and I. Fiance is in the military but transitioning out where he will be paid more so we will be able to contribute some, and his parents have offered to pay for certain things like DJ, rehearsal dinner, bouquets, etc. So we are very fortunate in the help we are getting because at this rate the wedding will be about $50k (not what we expected to spend). However, a good number of people we have invited were from my Dad’s side, in another state, who are not super well off, so we do not expect them to attend. We sent out about 115 save the dates (to many couples and families) but we will probably get 80 guests at most. I feel bad that I am not more well of personally but my parents would rather me pay off my debts than have to pay for the wedding so they are being very generous. Luckily the venue is pretty much all inclusive save for florals and music, but it is an expensive venue nonetheless. We considered eloping but we just can’t fathom our parents and families not being there, or not including them in things, and I know from my Dad’s side we have invited a BUNCH of people as he not only has a big family but also is on a Board of Directors for a credit union and he wanted them all included. So if he is paying, it’s okay with him. Gah. Weddings are just too expensive. I want some nice flowers but the proposal I got is north of 6k…what the heck? We are definitely cutting down where we can.
Post # 10
apresallday : My sister just asked my parents if they wanted to contribute to the wedding, and if so, how much they wanted to contribute. My parents are divorced, told her they would have a conversation with each other and get back to her with an amount. They came up with a sum they felt comfortable, each contributing the same amount.
I didn’t have to have the conversation about how much because that had already happened with my sister a couple years ago. Once the conversation was had then, they made clear that the same funds would be available to me. No real conversation required…sorry, not much help in bringing it up lol!
Post # 11
My Mom is fairly well-off and has told myself and all of my adult siblings that she will give us 10k when we get married. My younger siblings will get 12k because of inflation. (There are 7 kids altogether.) I think bringing-up the subject yourself might be awkward. But it doesn’t hurt to try! Just bring it up tactfully and see what the reaction is. Good luck!
Post # 12
When my fiance and I started planning for our wedding, we expected to assume all of the financial responsibility for it and if either of our parents wanted to contribute in any way, it was appreciated. My parents have always been sort of tight with their money even growing up with them so I don’t really expect they’ll contribute to our wedding, but it doesn’t offend me in any way as long as I have their blessing. Since we are the first to get married in both of our families, his parents have actually been asking us in how they can contribute, like paying for the rehearsal dinner or giving us money towards the wedding. Once we decided on a date, we never asked our parents if they’ll be contributing since like I mentioned we were assuming all financial responsiblity because it is OUR wedding.
Post # 13
Our parents: ‘we’ll give you $x for the wedding as a wedding present’.
Us: ‘omg thank you!’
And that’s it 😛 I would not have brought it up myself and there were no strings attached. As it should be!
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
I didn’t raise the topic at all. When I got engaged my mother graciously offered to cover the wedding. She only had two requests, that shrimp be available during cocktail hour, and that my siblings walk down the aisle at some point (for pictures). I had zero interest in having a wedding party, so my siblings escorted my mother down the aisle to her seat. Other than that I could plan as I pleased.
Our original plan was to pay for it ourselves and we were very grateful that my mother offered to step in.
Post # 15
apresallday : If they are willing and able to contribute, they’ll bring it up. If they don’t bring it up, plan to have the wedding you can afford without their help.