Post # 1
I recently got engaged to a very wonderful guy! We’re extremely excited about our upcoming wedding. The problem is, my parents. Just after giving our exciting news, they both indicated they aren’t sure if they will come due to financial issues. My Mom referenced that she “could just enjoy the photos”. I’m really hurt they may not be able make it and that their response to possibly not coming to their only daughters wedding is so casual. It seems like it’s no big deal they can’t make it and I am just not feeling like there is any true effort going into them guenuinly trying to come. My fiance and I are stretching our own finacial situation for the wedding and aren’t even planning a honeymoon – helping them come out here could be a quick weekend getaway to Mexico for us (a mini-honeymoon).
It makes me angry because it’s not a destination wedding or anything – We live in Cali and they live on the east coast. They can look for tickets way ahead of time and get them for under 300 dollars each. And THEY’RE MY PARENTS for goodness sake.
I should add, before we were even engaged, we were worried about what to do with my parents. They have been divorced for over 15 years because my Dad was very controlling and physically abusive. He still tries to act like my Mom is his wife and she doesn’t tell him no, but just creates drama/hysteria about the situation. Like at my high school graduation, she was hiding from him because he wanted to sit with her “like a family” even though they’d been divorced for years. When I got off stage she didn’t hug me and definitly didn’t take any photos (never took any at proms either) just gave me a quick pat me on the shoulder and left as she was in a hurry to keep avoiding my Dad. My Dad, infuriated at her, drug me by my arm from the graduation floor out into the rain (without an umbrella) where he yelled at me about my Mom and then left. So, needless to say, I didn’t want any drama like this at the wedding (there are many other examples I could give but I will spare you). Let’s just say no big event in my life has ever gone without drama from either of them. In a way I’m glad maybe they won’t come. I am worried though because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me at the wedding because my parents aren’t there. I know it will draw questioning and attention. I don’t want people to think I am a horrible person and didn’t pay for them to come (although we can’t afford it).
My fiance says we shouldn’t feel at all bad for not being able to pay for them to come and we aren’t obligated to have to pay and organize their coming. I still feel a little bad, though and uncertain as to if we should try and help them.
I don’t know, what do you guys think?
Post # 3
It sounds like you are better off without them there. And if anyone asks, you can always say, “Yes, we’re so sorry they were unable to be here, and we know they are, too.” That takes the focus off their exact excuse, but discourages any pity parties on your behalf.
I can sympathize, though. My parents decided the expense was not worth it to attend my sister’s wedding–even though they had plenty of money. Even 30 years later, I don’t think she has forgiven them.
However, it is not your fault that they are the way they are. All you can do is appreciate the fact that your family of choice will be a whole lot better than your family of birth.
Post # 4
My FI’s parents wont be at our wedding (as well as his whole family).. i am a bit concerned that MY family will make a big deal out of it but I am chalking it up to being dark! LOL Actually I feel like there will be enough love in the room to overshadow any other issues (and there are A LOT). If I were you, I would thank my lucky stars they were not coming! I would rather people stay home than come and make drama
Post # 5
Thanks. That was an awesome response. I really appreciate that.
Post # 6
is exactly right. My best friend in college had her dad decide at the last minute that he and his mail-order bride (no really) didn’t feel like coming to her graduation. It’s one of, like, 3 times I had ever seen her cry.
She has since gotten over it and even built a decent relationship with him. But it was really hurtful at the time, and it was in no way her fault. The same is true of you – if your parents don’t show, it will absolutely not be your fault. It’s entirely on them.
That may not be much comfort, but I know you will have a beautiful, happy wedding with the family you are building.
Post # 7
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this–it sounds like your parents have been letting their personal drama affect their relationship with you for a while 🙁
I’m sure nobody will think you’re a horrible person for not paying for your parents’ plane tickets to the wedding. Some guests may think less of your parents, but that’s what they get for not coming.
Post # 8
Thanks you guys, really. Makes me feel so much better. Just the kind words and support from people who don’t even know me makes me teary eyed.
FYI – his family is AMAZING. I feel blessed to be coming into the love and awesomeness that will be my in-laws.
Post # 9
“Actually I feel like there will be enough love in the room to overshadow any other issues (and there are A LOT).”
I like the way you put that. . because that will be very true from my FI’s family and all our amazing friends.
Post # 10
I kinda have crazy divorced parents too who don’t get along…and its caused me alot of stress worrying about what will happen at the wedding….I think you should not worry t much about it…I understand your hurt feeling, but it will be ok…if they want to be there for you they will. They need to put their issues aside for you and if they don’t then you live and learn and will have to set boundres in your life where they are concerned…I know from experience this is not easy…it taken me a few years to come to tems with this…hang in there…I’m sending you love and prayers:-)
Post # 10
I feel for you! My entire family is refusing to go to my wedding because they would have to drive three hours to go. It has nothing to do with money just the effort is too much. My FI’s friends and family are all having to fly in but my family can’t stand to drive that far. My best friends mom is driving 10 hours to come but my own mother can’t be bothered to see her only daughter get married. It is really depressing sometimes but I had rather have people I know love me there then worry about people who don’t want to celebrate with us.