(Closed) Parents paying unequal amounts causing drama

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
46677 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are correct. Your Fiance needs an attitude adjustment. Gifts should always be accepted graciously and without comparing one gift to another.

Neither set of parents is under any obligation to contibute any amount to the wedding.

Post # 4
Member
9115 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Your fiance needs a reality check. A bride and groom should have a wedding among their means. Any money, from any side should be generously and graciously accepted. Just because your side is offering less does not mean they love you any less or want you to be happy any less.

I’d put my foot down and tell her you’re absolutely not uninviting guests to make things even. If her parents wanted to offer 10k, that is kind and generous of her parents, but yours chose not to for whatever reason.

Remind her that parents are not obligated to offer anything in these days, and traditionally, the bride’s parents paid for everything.

Also, this would raise a red flag for me. If she’s going to be petty over this, does that mean she’ll be petty about other things? Just food for thought.

Post # 5
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

@Nyd3030:  Neither set has to give anything. If she is so bothered then dont accept the extra 3 k from her folks. i’m sure the prospect of a less expensive dress and venue will alter her tune.

Post # 6
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Only accept 7000 from her family.That way both sides are paying the same amount.Pay the rest yourselves.

Post # 7
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Completely agree the Fiance needs an attitude adjustment. My parents are contributing 10k and my fiance and I are paying for the rest. We are not getting a dime from his parents and their side will make up about half of the guests. Unfotunately things are not always equal. I don’t know how I would handle this if I were you but I do know that you need to stick to your guns, you are completely right. 

Post # 8
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Hyperventilate:  +1 to everything said here.

This sounds incredibly petty and would be raising some serious concerns for me as to whether she will act this way in the future (if her income pays more of your rent/home mortgage, does she own the house?).

I can understand this being upsetting given that your family is inviting 60% of guests, so her family only get 40% and, if this means she is having to exclude people she would otherwise want at the wedding, then that really isn’t fair. You guys need to compromise on this. If, however, there is no one else she wants to invite, she just doesn’t want your family to invite more than hers, then that’s a childish, petty thing to do.

Traditionally, the bride’s parents paid for the lot, so if she wants to be petty, maybe mention that to her. Failing that, maybe say “My parents can only afford to contribute $7,000, so if you want it to be even, ask your parents to cut back on what they’re contributing.”

Post # 9
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I have a few things to say about this. The first and foremost is that your fiancee needs to recognize that you are lucky to have any help at all. Second, the money given doesn’t equal seats. This isn’t about making things even. if your side has more people that need to be invited, that’s just how it is. It would be impractical to divide the guest list straight downt he middle or to neglect important people for your family in favor of acquaintences and casual friends on her side because her side somehow bought more seats by contributing more. Third, if we’re going to get super technical on traditional etiquette, the bride’s side is expected to pay more (traditionally almost everything save the rehearsal dinner). (I’m asusming that you are a groom and not a bride as well in a same-sex couple since there is no indication in the original post.)

It’s not about what’s fair; it’s about what’s just and what’s right. It’s right to invite guests on both side that are of the same level of intimacy with you and your families, whether that means the numbers work our fairly or not.

Post # 10
Member
1654 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Coming from someone whose parents are insisting to pay for the whole wedding, and my FI’s side barely having any money to begin with, I say split it evenly. 7K for both sets of parents.

I’m refusing to accept my parents’ money because I KNOW it will start problems and they will control the wedding.

Your Fiance is being unreasonable. And like you said, gifts like these should be accepted graciously. And good on you for trying to find advice 🙂 

Post # 11
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Nyd3030:  Accepting money should be done graciously, and with a smile.  My Fiance and I are paying for all of our wedding as we don’t think our parents should be responsible for something we wish to have.  Not only that, but traditionally it is only the brides parents that typically pay for the wedding while the grooms parents cover the rehearsal dinner.  In light of this, there is not an acceptable way to ask the grooms parents for more money and that they are willing to contribute is actually really generous. 

 

That being said, this isn’t something that should be worth fighting over.  Also, any dispute that starts now may cause long term damage to the family relationship so should be handled carefully.

Post # 12
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Wow I completely agree that this would be a really big red flag for me….she’s being spoiled, entitled, and irrational. No one is obligated to contribute ANYTHING towards her wedding, she needs to just be grateful for what she’s getting. I definitely would tell her that if it’s such a problem, her parents can keep 3k of their money & it can come out of her dress budget!!

Post # 13
Member
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Nyd3030:  This sort of depends on why your side is 60% of the guests, who they are, and who wants them there. If you (or your family) are making unreasonable demands on the guest list (e.g inviting all the second cousins), then I can sort of see her point of view. Does she feel like it’s her family are giving 10k no strings attached, and your family is giving 7k with strings attached?

Post # 14
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Its nice that everyone is giving money yet if your parents are sayign that those 60% have to be there than I think they should be paying for those 60%.

Post # 15
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Great advice from the other Bees.

Indeed ANY Gifts should be accepted graciously by both of you.

I sort of get where you Bride is coming from… maybe even her Parents are putting some pressure on her “We are contributing more” (therefore they want more) … so maybe you need to explore her concerns further

(See the excellent Post by paula1248  # 12 above)

Otherwise… Weddings are just one way of seeing how well two people can work together towards a common goal.

Does she have hang ups about money in other circumstances ??

For example… are you guys after you marry, going to pool all your funds 100% and live accordingly… or is it going to be a case of “contributed shares”… such as 50/50 or you make 2x what she does, so 2/3 to 1/3

The problem with doing the math with contributed shares is neither of you are absolutely 100% ALL IN…

Something to think about / discuss.

I have a few good posts here on WBee on that topic… you can use the WBEE SEARCH feature to find them… they are about how the financial experts say sharing it all from the get-go causes the least amount of problems and no one has more control / power over the money or the relationship… there can still be autonomy no matter what the circumstances… how much money, who earns more… or even if circumstances have it so someone isn’t working for awhile (illness, mat leave, laid off) etc.

Because as history shows… and lots of topics here on WeddingBee… when it isn’t an all-in situation, then there are far more arguments about money (BEFORE or AFTER a Wedding) and how it is allocated / spent.  And that skews the balance in the relationship and causes resentment, and all sorts of other problems down the road (especially so the more entangled your relationship gets with a House, Cars, Kids, Investments etc)

Having a Wedding, and pooling all the money is one example, where you can put this into practice NOW.  You have $ 17,000 from family, and $ 8,000 from yourselves.  So $ 25,000 to work with… so how are we gonna spend that efficiently (not how much goes to the 3030 Family and how much to the 5050 Family)

Hope this helps,

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