Post # 1
Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I just signed up for an account today after reading around some different posts. So, sorry if this comes out weird or whatever.
I got engaged last May (2017) and am planning my wedding for May 2019. It’s been a pretty good time so far. However, last week my life sort of flipped upside down. I’d had a feeling about it for a while, but I discovered last week that my dad had been cheating on my mom. He had messages on his phone that clearly indicated that he was in, at the very least, an emotional affair with another woman. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was also physical. My parents have been married for 23 years, but over the past few years I’ve felt like a divorce would be inevitable.
My fiance and his family have been helping me immensely with this issue. They encouraged me to talk to my dad. I confronted him about this issue, asking if he was cheating on mom. He said “not really”… which just makes me want to pull my hair out because there is no “not really” when it comes to cheating– you either are or you aren’t. Then he pushed most of the blame on my mom, saying she hardly talks to him and hasn’t loved him in years. I don’t believe my mom is blameless in this, but when someone resorts to cheating they are obviously in the wrong. He told me that he had a long talk with my mom. However, he didn’t reveal the cheating, which I found out when I talked to her later and mentioned it, not knowing that she didn’t know yet. She has told me that she thinks she will speak to an attorney about divorce. I honestly can’t say I’m that sad. It’s almost more of a relief now.
But it still really sucks that this is happening during my own wedding plans. My mom is really mad about what she calls “my dad’s timing.” However I sort of feel like it’s my fault for bringing it up. I think he’s been cheating for years now, so it’s sort of my fault that I let it out in the open now. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t have said anything. I haven’t talked to my dad in a few days (not out of the ordinary for us, though). But I don’t want to talk to him now. If he wants to be with the other woman then he should just divorce my mom. I feel betrayed by him because he portrays himself as such a good Christian or whatever. I feel like I’m taking my mom’s side in this when I shouldn’t take sides as I’m the kid (their only child). Part of me doesn’t even want him to walk me down the aisle anymore.
Sorry for the long post and for rambling. I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. Maybe some advice on this situation. Thank you
Post # 2
Hi bee, welcome to the community. I’m so sorry for the situation that brought you here. I don’t have much in terms of advice with this kind of situation but I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone in this. You’ve got your fiancé like you said, and hopefully some Bees will respond that have been in this situation.
My parents have fought so much my whole life and they still bicker allllll the time, it’s toxic to be around. I have battled with their influence on my relationships for years and even last night was troubled by my mom and took it out on my husband.
I also feel like it would also be a relief if they got divorced, however my dad is too codependent on my mother to ever leave her. If it happens it’ll be my mom taking action to leave him.
I hope you realize this isn’t your fault and even if you did directly tell your mom about it, it was your dad’s decision in the first place.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this now. It’s one thing having parents getting divorced when you’re a child (like me). You barely remember it. But this is much more painful and you have my thoughts and positive energy.
It is bad timing, however you did know that something was amiss which makes me think your parents at least were thinking about it. Therefore I wouldn’t change wedding plans (at least things like walking down the aisle etc). I’m assuming you wouldn’t anyway but even though your dad did what he did, marriages aren’t black and white (which you’ve addressed in your post).
I would highly recommend reaching out to their close friends who are coming to the wedding and asking them to be focused on each parent, so they know who to go to in case they get upset etc. Weddings bring out the emotional side in people and this’ll make it much harder. Also watch out for relatives on both sides making it worse, I don’t know how your family works but it’s worth nipping that in the bud if it’s possible.
But throughout all of this just remember that they both love you as their child. Regardless of how it’s ending they wouldn’t regret that you came into the world. And you are an adult now so you’re allowed to set boundaries on how much you want to be there. Obviously the first instinct is to always be there for both of them but there are things which you may not want/need to know or may be more appropriate for their friends.
Basically focus on yourself and your wedding but also make time to spend with each parent individually. Maybe your partner could take some more of the planning on their shoulders if you want to take some time to process this.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck in navigating this crappy situation.
Post # 4
Man, you’ve been put in a seriously awkward and unfair position and that sucks.
I think the best you can do is just give yourself permission to make whatever decisions feel best for you and run with them. You’re not in the wrong in any of this and however you choose to handle things relating to your own wedding and their role(s) in it is entirely up to you.
Post # 5
My mom acted so odd leading up to and during my sisters wedding. Then she just packed up her stuff and left my dad when my sister was on her honeymoon. So I feel you. It’s not always better if they wait till after. I would make a rule like neither one of them can bring dates to your wedding you don’t need it being more awkward then it is. Place someone In charge of keeping an eye on them during your wedding so your not stressing out about it. When you take photos also take ones of just you and your mom and just you and your dad so you don’t have to here about how the other one ruins the picture. Seat them at diffrent tables. But going through a parent divorce as an adult is hard. Exspecially when they both start acting like a child. Focus on your wedding and if you have to do anything with the two of them try to have someone else with you to help diffuse any situations.
Post # 6
Thanks for the advice… I don’t know if they would be able to get all the way through a divorce before the wedding in 9 months. If they did, I definitely wouldn’t allow my dad to bring anyone with him. My mom is saying that she feels like she just isn’t meant to be in a relationship, which makes me really sad because I just want her to be happy. I think they can both behave at my wedding though, thankfully.
Post # 7
I know this is unlikely to be a popular opinionon a wedding site, but I don’t think you should let this be the reason your dad doesn’t walk you down the aisle.
I’m not saying what he did was right, but him walking you down the aisle is IMO symbolic of your relationship with him, and whath he’s done to raise you, etc. None of that has anything to do with his relationship with your mom, or what’s happened between them. He can be a great dad and cheat on your mom. The two facts can coexist.
I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be hurt and upset, just that maybe you need to let their relationship be between the two of them. They’re adults, and it’s their decision to make what they would like to do, and how they’d like to proceed. I think it would be a good idea to try and stay out of it as much as you can, because ultimately as their child it isn’t your job to be therapist or go-between.
Post # 8
It must be very upsetting especially right now. But, in the final analysis, it’s not your marriage and not really your business . I cannot imagine it can help anyone for you to be asking your father intimate questions about his sex life .
llf l were you l’d confine my involvement to being emotionally supportive to your mother without engaging in any of the the specifics of your parent ‘s marriage.
You will just have to trust that they will conduct themselves well on your wedding day, and as you think they probably will do this , just try and be calm and generous in the meantime.
Totally understandable you don’t want your father’s partner in adultery at your wedding of course, and if he asks for an invitation for her l think you are completely justified in saying not only ‘no’ but also ‘ and not up for discussion dad ‘.