Post # 1
SO and I are doing all the major pre-move in together checklists and expectations. And we’ve hit our only disagreement, and its a big one.
He doesn’t care to have parents over whenever and even if we’re not home, where I absolutely think there is no reason for anyone who doesn’t live at my home to just have “free reign” when I am at work.
Any of you Bee’s face a similar situation? Or have any of you had to discuss with your parents some boundaries? I could use some advice, and even stories of great compromise ideas 🙂
Post # 2
Why would they hang out at your home if either of you aren’t there? Just curious, since that’s so weird lol.
When we moved back to our home state, we bought a house 5 minutes away from both of our parents and worried if they would respect our boundaries. So far so good but I think it’s because they value their privacy as much as we do.
Post # 3
That’s really weird and would not be okay with me…
Post # 4
Whoa! Is your SO really close with his parents? My general rule is, if you’re not paying rent/mortgage on a place you don’t get a key/free reign. What reason would your SO’s parents have for hanging out in your home when no one is there?
Post # 5
Both of our parents have a set of keys to our house for emergencies, but they’d never come just hang out while we’re not there. The only time they’ve come over when we weren’t home was to check our mail and water the plants while we were on vacation. I’d be highly upset if they came over unannounced whether we were there or not.
Post # 6
futuredoctorbee: My parents have a key to our apartment, as well as my sister’s. HOWEVER, they do not just come over whenever, drop by unannounced, or hang out here when we’re not home. They have a key a) in case we get locked out and it’s late at night (our building manager charges us to let us in if we get locked out after a certain hour, and my parents only live 20 minutes away) and b) in case we need them to come get our dog for whatever reason (if we’re going out of town or there’s an emergency). We never set specific boundaries with my parents – they’re not crazy people, so we didn’t need to. Do you really think your SO’s parents would just come over and be in your apartment when you’re not there? If so, this needs to be resolved before you move in together or else this will be an issue forever.
Post # 7
futuredoctorbee: I am in the exact same situation as you. FI’s family has almost no boundaries, his friends never used to either. FI is extremely generous, too generous with his and our home and belongings and so I think that’s how it formed. Although I’m generous with my family and they don’t act like that lol. We compromise and while I’d rather not have them come over at all when we are not home, they are allowed to come visit the cat sometimes. Honestly we are still working on it but he knows it’s an issue so he is learning to say no.
They made me upset for good reason, like walking with muddy boots on my brand new light grey carpet and eating all my food and making huge messes and even breaking a piece of furniture without offering to fix or replace. Ridiculous things. He never used to think those things were odd until they happened when I was around and made me upset.
Hopefully crazy things don’t happen to you but it made it easier for Fiance to understand and put normal boundaries in place.
edit: his parents are used to having free reign in his old house but we bought a house together so they are slow at learning that this is a new house which is not only their son’s
Post # 8
When we first lived together, we lived in FIs house that he had purchased as part of his grandparents estate. His mother felt she had free reign to come and go as she pleased. It used to drive me frickin crazy, because even if I was home, she would never knock or ring the bell, she would just let herself in, sometimes with her friends.
When we moved to our new home, she recieved a key, but Fiance let her know that the key is for emergencies only and she needs to call in advance if she is stopping by. Her visits have dramatically decreased (even though we live closer to her now). I think part of it is that it is my house too, and that the old house she saw as more hers than FIs or mine.
Setting ground rules is a must. I don’t like people in my home unexpected when I am not there. Set your rules now and enforce them. There is no need for anyone to have free reign in your home.
Post # 9
My mom has a key to our house but doesn’t just come over and hang out when we are gone. She has dropped off dinner in the fridge a couple times- but that’s fine with me.
Post # 10
Before I met my fiance I would have sided with you and thought it was crazy that parents can come and go with thier own key. But I’ve lived with Fiance for a couple years now and I have a key to his mom’s house. So like when she is running late for work and it’s raining outside I will go over and let the cats in so she can stay at her meetings. We are close enough for everyone to have that level of trust.
That being said I have read some crazy stories on here of parents or inlaws that overstep thier bounderies and go so far as reorganize the house while the couple is out of town for the weekend. My inlaws would NEVER do that. So I guess it all boils down to…
Do you trust your inlaws? Are you that close to them to let them into that part of your life.
It’s okay if the answer is no. Hopefully over time the answer will be yes.
Post # 11
Meh I see nothing to weird about it. Both our parents know how to get into our house when we are not here. Due to sometimes (both live out of town) come here to stay with us say for a weekend for something and we are not home yet from work when they get here they have a way in. For example my mom is currently staying with us this week due to no daycare this week. So sometimes when she comes up here to say babysit when no daycare and if I am in the office she can get in the house before I get here. Same with my in laws
Post # 12
I used to live a few blocks away from my parents and they hardly ever came over although we are very close. I usually went to their house. They always called first to ask if it was ok to stop by and drop something off. They were very respectful of my privacy, which I appreciated. My parents only have a key to our current home for emergencies.
Unfortunately, my in-laws are the complete opposite and I have a hard time dealing with that. They live two hours away and aren’t here too often, but when they visit they sure make themselves at home! They have keys and often let themselves in (my husband doesn’t care). My mother-in-law cleaned our room while we were at work a few times, and it drove me crazy! I feel like it’s a huge violation of privacy, but it doesn’t seem to bother my husband. He grew up in a very small house where there was not much personal space, so I understand he’s used to it.
I don’t like to have guests in our house when we are not there. Even when we are home, it feels like my in-laws take over. It sometimes really annoys me and makes me uncomfortable. I’m trying to be more understanding though because they are from another country/culture, really are nice and caring people, and I believe they mean well…
If your finance’s parents live nearby, I’m not sure why they would need to hang out at your house when you are not there. Don’t give them a key! 🙂
Post # 13
What?! Why would they just come over if you’re not there? It’s different if there’s a reason, like to water your plants when you’re on vacation or something. But I would not be cool with my parents or inlaws just showing up uninvited, whether I was home or not.
Post # 14
My FIs parents have a key to our investment property and are overstepping the mark in terms of going there. I’m pretty sure they’ve been there more than us. My advice would be not to make the same mistake as me.
Post # 15
i would understand parents having a set of keys, but would find it weird for them to be in the house when i wasnt there.. what would the need be? also, wouldnt like them to just turn up when they felt like .. there has to be some privacy!