Post # 1
So, this is a long story but I will skip over the emotional details and get down to the point. I am Korean, my boyfriend, S, is Chinese. My parents have refused to acknowledge my relationship with S. Last year when I told them that the relationship is serious and headed towards marriage, there was a huge family battle and in the end, my parents said, "Keep up this relationship, or leave the family." I remained in the relationship and since last year, they have brushed the matter under the rug and have acted as if nothing has happened. My relationship with my parents is very strained but still manageable. S has picked the ring, and S would now like to meet my parents officially. I called my mother this morning and asked for a day for us to all meet. She downright refused and will no longer speak about the subject. I pressed her further stating that S and I intend on marrying next year and again, she refused to address the situation. She said, "Remember what we said last year. If you get married, we won’t come."
Why do they hate him so much? Because he’s Chinese and 3 years younger than me. Those two factors alone have caused all of this.
S would still like to ask my father’s permission to marry me, knowing he will be faced with anger and downright rudeness.
What do we do? Go ahead and get engaged without dad’s permission? Continue asking parents to meet him? Any one experience anything similar?
Post # 3
Im so sorry to hear that you are in this situtation. I dont have much advice other than to continue trying to talk to your parents. How do his parents feel about the situtation? Is there any way his parents could talk to your parents? That makes me so sad to hear that your family is threatening not to come to your wedding, I really hope things work out. Please keep us posted!
Post # 4
A friend of mine went through something like this, but not so extreme. Her parents had met him, but didn’t approve of the marriage.
She pushed a little bit, made it clear she intended to marry him, and eventually her parents came aroud (dad gave her away, everyone had fun at the wedding).
I would go ahead and arrange for him to meet your family- even if you have to show up unanounced at their house. If he is there, they may be less rude. Even if he doesn’t get to ask your dad- at least you can always say that you tried.
I’ve been lucky that my parents approved of my husband. However, if they disapproved for reasons as trivial and irrelevant as the reasons you’ve given, I would disregard them. I would go ahead with my plans and let my parents know that they would be the ones missing out on the rest of my life- my wedding, my children, all of it. I would hope that they would come around when it became clear I was sticking to my plan.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I’ll keep good thoughts that your parents come to their senses.
Post # 5
Bee wrote up the story of how I met her (Korean) parents:
I don’t think it would be wise to have him come over unannounced. Maybe he could write a brief and simple letter, explaining his intentions and asking permission… and asking to get together to talk to them, even if they disapprove.
Are you willing to be estranged from your family for a while? If not, things could get very difficult. 🙁 I was willing to wait up to 10 years, but I think that would’ve been very hard for Mrs. Bee.
It is a very tough situation… best of luck!!!
Post # 6
Do you have siblings or supportive family members that might be able to step in and speak on your behalf?
Also, can you speak to your parents about their concerns? Are they afraid that him being younger than you means that he’s immature? If so, point out all the things that show how he’s very mature. As for him being Chinese, maybe you can incorporate some Korean elements into the wedding to honor your culture.
I’ve dealt with a similar situation so I understand what you’re going through. It’s not fair for your parents to blackmail you this way so don’t let them hold your happiness over your head this way! Be firm and reasonable. Good luck!
Post # 7
MrBee’s advice is EXCELLENT. I just wanted to say I am sorry they are putting you through this and I really hope you can resolve the situation and keep everyone’s love for each other intact. Please keep us posted!!
Post # 8
Sorry to hear about your solution! Maybe you can find some ways to show your parents that your boyfriend is mature and able to support you? Are you parents unhappy becasue they feel like they cannot connect with a non-Korean as well and therefore has less trust?
In the end I think parents just want to make sure you are marrying someone that really loves you and can always be there for you.
Post # 9
Thank you, all, for the advice. Let me give some more details:
– S’s parents love and adore me. However, they do not know how my parents feel about their son. Between S and I, we don’t know how to inform them of this situation.
– I have a brother with whom I am very close with and he has assured me that he will advocate for us. However, my brother is also very close with my parents and I fear that when push comes to shove, it will be extremely difficult for him to "pick sides."
– It’s not that S is Chinese that my parents are being this way. It is because he is not white. Yes, white. My parents immigrated to Canada in the early 70’s and my dad has not returned back to the motherland since. He, I am sure, experienced a lot of racism as an immigrant and has perhaps developed similar ideas about immigrants/non-"Canadians". Growing up, I was taught that I was ONLY "allowed" to marry a white man. (There’s so much more behind all that – I don’t want to open another can of worms)
– S and I won’t just randomly show up unannounced because my parents would kill us both on the spot. However, we are both prepared to have an estranged relationship with my parents. I am prepared to not have my parents present at my wedding.
– Lastly, S and I both know that at the very, very end of the day, everything will work out. It always does. It’s just difficult getting to that point.
Thank you all for your kind words of support – If you think of anything else, PLEASE let me know! I will keep you posted. :o)
Post # 10
I was just watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding last night, and it made me think of you (in a good way!). I was thinking, you know how Gus is all against it and unhappy…right up until the wedding day. Then he turns to mush and supports them. So maybe just by sticking by you, Mr. S can show your parents that he loves you, is serious about you, and that nothing would keep him away. I like the letter idea. You can’t yell back at a letter. Have him send them a letter. Then just keep planning away. As the wedding nears, I’m sure they’ll cave. They just need a reality check. Hope it goes well!
Post # 11
I am so sorry. It is a very very hard situation. For a long while my family pretended that the FI(then BF) didn’t exist or that it was my first relationship so I will get over it. Finally I think they realized that was not going to happen. I was threatened to be kicked out of the family and disowned for dating him. Yup, just dating him. Believe me there were many of days I spent crying after I was on the phone with my family bc I loved them but I loved the Fiance too and I did not want to give either up. Let’s just say there was A LOT of hostility for a while.
But at the end of the day my family loves me and they want me to be happy. And I think your family is the same way too! The best thing for us was that they actually met the Fiance. Through all this I’ve been living away from home at school so when the ice had melted a little I would bring him back with me everytime and slowly they came to accept him. And now I am 150% sure they like him and realize how great of a person he is and how great we are for each other. The Fiance who is white was very adamant about the fact that we could not get married without my family’s well wishes. So because of that we dated 8 years before getting engaged. In fact my family ALL knew about the surprise proposal before I did!
Anyway, all I’m trying to say is I know it’s really hard but I think if your family truly loves you (which I’m sure they do!) they will come to accept him. The other thing I can suggest is are you guys set on getting engaged right now? Can’t you facilitate more meetings between them before him asking for your hand in marraige? Trust me! I have thought "they will kill us on the spot too!". Truly I have!
I wish you the best of luck!!
Post # 12
I am in the exact situation you are in. My parents wouldn’t meet Mr. SoniPapdi either and it took me four months to kind of "give up" and tell my dad that he was coming over one day. My dad refused again to meet him but Mr. SoniPapdi came anyways (I didn’t tell Mr. SoniPapdi about the refusal because my dad at point had said that he had no problem meeting my boyfriend at that time). Its all very strange. My dad talked to Mr. SoniPapdi very nicely when he did come over (however tried to leave the house as soon as possible). Later that night, I was told (as I was told prior to Mr. SoniPapdi coming over) that I had to pick the family or him. I told them that I wasn’t picking because it was unfair to give an ultimatium like that. The next day, Mr. SoniPapdi proposed to me which made matters worse with the family. I spent 3 months not talking to them. I’m slowly making my way back into the family but my mom still says she’s not coming to the wedding as "I do not need her anymore". My dad has settled with he will come if my mom agrees to as well.
So I completely understand your situation. I just advise you not to go the unannouced route as it will definitely make matters worse. However, you can do it like I did and tell them you are coming with Mr. S but tell them in a way that they don’t have a chance to escape. I know its bad to manipulate things but sometimes there is no other way. I do like the letter route, but it would not have jived with my parents as they would have said later that "he couldn’t have come to meet us first". Its a die if you do and die if you don’t situation.
Best of luck!!! My heart is with you. Keep us updated.
Post # 13
Some parents have lifelong expectations of their children and it can blind them in many ways. I’m sorry you have to go through this, it makes me emotional just imagining what kinds of things you have to face. But I agree with you in that everything will be okay at the end.
Persistence is important. Right now, your parents don’t trust that S is right for you but persistence will show that even though S is not caucasion, he loves you more than anything and that has to count for a lot.
I wish you well and hope that the sun shines through very soon!
Post # 14
Oh, goodness, this sounds incredibly difficult! A friend of mine is Indian and her boyfriend of 5+ years was white. Her parents GREATLY disapproved and refused to acknowledge her relationship. She kept warning them an engagement was coming. They kept fighting over it, constantly. She finally told them it was happening with our without their support, and if they wanted to lose their daughter over something as simple as race, regardless of how happy SHE was (she emphasized this a lot), then they would severely regret that decision. Push come to shove, the white boyfriend came over, had a VERY long discussion with the parents about WHY he wanted to marry their daughter and how he would take care of her, respect her culture and religion, etc, and wanted to raise their kids with that culture, too, and they gave their "blessing" even though deep down i’m sure they still wanted her to marry an Indian guy. When faced with the prospect of really truly losing their daugther and future grandchildren, they couldn’t do it. My friend’s grandmother (who everyone was SURE would be the most ‘disappointed) said to her daughter (my friend’s mom) that if she was happy and had a good man, then she was happy for her. Maybe some outside family members could help soften the blow? Your parents are maybe putting up a tough front just to see if they’re going to get their way. They may threaten and threaten, and realize it’s not worth it in the long run. Race is a tough issue, and it’s unfortunate that some of the older generation is still this way about it. (My grandmother is Korean, so believe me, I get it!!!!) Good luck. Ultimately, you have to do what makes you happy. And obvoiusly this relationship is THAT important to you. I think your parents will come around eventually…but it may take a LOOOONG time. They will miss having you around. My advice is to say nothing but fabulous things about your man. Never give them what i call "cannon fodder" or they’ll never let you live it down. And kudos to your man, he knows what he is getting into and he obvoiusly loves you so much he doesnt’ care that he has to put up with your parents’ attitudes towards him.
Post # 15
Oh, my indian’s friend white boyfriend brought flowers over for the mother…it "buttered" her up. Maybe he could bring something like that as a symbol of peace and also show he has excellent manners? What mother doesn’t like flowers? Your mom might be touched by the gesture.
Post # 16
peakay, I could have written your post myself. I have no good advice to offer, since I’m pretty much in the same state (not sure what to do, but hopeful that everything will turn out OK in the end). I hope you find some comfort knowing you’re not alone.