(Closed) Parents that don’t want to be involved?!? (super long post)

posted 12 years ago in Family
Post # 3
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would suggest you leave the issue alone, with both your mom and Future Mother-In-Law. Consider lesson learned regarding trusting your mom or Future Mother-In-Law to help out.
Future Mother-In-Law may have just been offering for the sake of offering, you know, that polite-i-should-offer-but-i-hope-you-don’t-take-me-up-on-it offer. Or maybe she didn’t anticipate you taking her up on it. Or maybe she didn’t want to do anything time consuming. And obviously, doing the flowers was more than your mom could/would handle.
As for the formal pics, let your fiance know. If he wants his parents in the formal pics, he should tell his mom. Maybe she thinks you’ll accommodate her and hubby and take the formal photos after the ceremony. But if that’s not an option, your fiance needs to tell her that. It’s not for you to convince her.
Good luck, and rely on the support of your friends and fiance!

Post # 4
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

Wow. Have your friends help you sweetie, especially if they are down to do it.  You can call Future Mother-In-Law and ask her what her deal is, but are you prepared for either hearing something you don’t want to hear, or a conversation that doesn’t resolve the issue?  As brides, our first inclination is to resolve whatver issues may arise because we don’t want anything to "spoil" our big day, but everyone else doesn’t always subscribe to that philosophy and they don’t always cooperate.  Until my own wedding, I never knew people could be so nasty or unreliable during what is supposed to be such a celebratory time!

I say, with eight weeks left to go, don’t even go there with her.  Her excuse will be just as lame after your wedding as it is now, so have that talk with her then.  Trust me, you will have so much going on and will be so happy that your FMIL’s disappointing behavior will be so far off your radar that you won’t even think about it. As for the pix, let your FH handle it.  Personally, if all other family is going to be in them, I would feel silly missing out – but let your FH deal with his mother. 

Post # 5
24 posts
  • Wedding: July 2009

This may be totally off, but maybe she’s coming to the realization that she’ll be losing her son and so she’s needing some adjustment time. I know I would be freaking out, just like you are, but I just thought I’d play the devil’s advocate for a second here…

Post # 6
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

How aggravating! That totally stinks how you got bailed on not once but twice. You’re doing everything right—you’re trying to include the people who say they want to be included, being gracious when they flake out on your for lame reasons, and finding others who will actually help you so that you don’t go totally insane.

 Do let your Fiance know about his mother’s intentions to essentially miss the photos. I am sure that they will want to be in them and will come to their senses on that front. Otherwise, I think you’ve just got to let it go. I think Krista was right—your Future Mother-In-Law might have said she wanted to help, but she didn’t really want to help when push came to shove. If she asks again, just tell her the best thing she can do for you is to come and enjoy the wedding. Smile graciously through your teeth and then forget about it and have a wonderful time. 

Post # 7
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

wow – so sorry you are dealing with this last-minute stress!

on the flower front, get your friends or attendants to pitch in and help out on the set up front.  if you can provide direction (drawings or pictures and descriptions of how things are set up) that may help people feel less stressed.  

for your Future Mother-In-Law, best to smile and let it go.  it may be that she’s wonkers and needs time to adjust to the idea of losing her son, maybe she is nervous about such a big task as the flowers, or didn’t anticipate being asked to do something on the day of the wedding.  in any case, no use making a fuss now.  cover your bases on the flowers with others and smile.

i agree with kristi and chelseamorning that you should let your Fiance know about the pictures. he can probably sort that out directly with your Future Mother-In-Law and see what the issue is.

finally, for your mother – lesson learned for sure!  that’s a terrible ball to let drop, but it sounds as if it is nothing new (unfortunately).  try to get through it with a bright face and focus on the love and support from your dad.

as my colleague told me today – chances are good that if anything doesn’t go as planned on the wedding day, the only people that will know are you and your Fiance.


good luck!

Post # 8
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

We paid for our own wedding and had offers for help. When it came to actually cashing in on those offers, NO ONE helped except my sisters and two of my Aunts (I had 5 aunts in town). My mother didn’t even help with anything- she couldn’t afford to help us financially, but she was in town on Wednesday and could have helped us with one of the last minute tasks like the cake or the flowers (we DIYed as much as possible). My Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law live in town (where we had the wedding) and they couldn’t be bothered to even help pick up or load up rental items because they were having too much fun showing their families a good time. MY family did all the day of set up, but the in laws sure showed up and drank up our bar tab.

Pissed, yes, but that’s your FH’s place to talk to his parents.  He needs to let his parents understand exactly what is expected of them- because if he doesn’t then YOU’RE stuck with trying to fix it and some of the pictures missing the parents of the groom (and the best man in the party pics).If you and your Future Mother-In-Law have a decent relationship, then you should confront her… but if you don’t, then leave it up to your future hubby. 

Check out your nearest sam’s club and call your local florist to see if there is ANY way they have ANY extra white flowers- no matter what, white flowers always look alright bunched together and no one will even know what’s gone on the week before the wedding.  Have a blast with your friends helping you (you are LUCKY to have friends like that and have a few drinks! Enjoy that time together! 


Post # 9
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

at this point, its definitely best to just ignore it….but I am curious….what does it mean "her husband will be sleeping"?  That is the oddest thing I’ve ever heard!  Even though its late to try and talk to her and all that, why can’t she help without him?

Post # 11
18 posts
  • Wedding: October 2008

My mother is no participation but full of comments.  She’s not even attending our vow renewal ceremony.  She announced that she’s going to the Patriots game.  But, she’s demanding that she receive a photo album, favors, ect from the event.

My husband and I just shrug it off and go with our day.  Happily married 14 years and renewing on October 12, 2008. 


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