(Closed) Parents trying to turn interfaith wedding into a Jewish wedding (bit of a rant)

posted 8 years ago in Interfaith
Post # 4
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Have you approached the supject with them like you did with us – explaining your menu wishes as a way of including and repsecting the traditions of your FI’s family? I’m sure, even if your family is kosher, that many of your friends are not, as well – it seems like there would be an overwhelming majority in favor of the non-kosher menu. Most caterers can do a smaller subset of special dietary needs dishes. Could your parents have a kosher meal, while still allowing everyone else to eat as they choose? I have always been a fan of allowing everyone to have their wishes met, as long as it isn’t forcing decisions on people – there has to be a way to give them the kosher food they desire without making everyone that does not share their beliefs partake.

Post # 5
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

(And PS I am marrying a Jewish guy, and my family is Christian, so i’m running into some of these problems….i’m lucky, though, that most of his family are Jewish by culture, but not religious. Makes things much simpler!)

Post # 6
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Are your parents paying for the whole reception?  If they are not then just nicely tell and remind them that you are having a jewish ceremony and that this wedding is not all about them and then order your own food choices keeping some options kosher

 

If they are paying for the whole wedding then thats tough and unless you can explain to them that is your wedding and not their’s there is not much you can do unless you or FI’s family pays for the food

 

Post # 9
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

@pb and j:

This is just an idea, and it probably won’t solve anything, since it seems that your parents just don’t want other people to think badly of them. But if you are having a cocktail hour, why not serve the shellfish there?  Sorry, probably a lame suggestion. Oh well. lol

Post # 10
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Just because it is kosher style doesn’t mean your caterer can’t come up with Italian style foods. My FI’s family is Italian and they serve many traditional dishes which could easily be made kosher style.

 

Post # 11
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If your parents are paying, even by choice, then obviously they get to decide what they’re buying. Does the argument that your FH’s family will expect certain foods hold any weight with them? If so, use it for all it’s worth! Sometimes parents are more respectful of the future co-in-laws than they are of the couple.

Post # 13
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

For our wedding my (Jewish) parents said they wanted a kosher style dinner, but the hors d’ouevres can be bacon wrapped or shrimp or crab cakes or whatever.

 

That is our compromise. (so far)

Post # 14
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

We had the reception for our (Jewish) wedding at Legal Sea Foods.  We made sure that one of the entree choices was salmon, since that can be eaten by most Jews who don’t keep strictly kosher (separate milk and meat dishes, etc.).  We also made a point of saying that although the first course was clam chowder, we would have no problem substituting another soup for anyone who couldn’t/didn’t want to eat the chowder.  None of our guests requested a substitution.

So long as you have some things that can be eaten by all your guests (e.g., a vegetarian option), there is no reason for your parents to object to having other things that are not kosher for those guests who want them.

Post # 15
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This is a very challenging issue that I dealt with in planning my own interfaith wedding with my Jewish husband and my Catholic family.  It can be so frustrating sometimes!  I often felt like his family was okay with our interfaith relationship so long as they could pretty much pretend that I didn’t have any other conflicting religious beliefs or cultural traditions, and so basically I was like a cultural/religious blank.  Weddings are about compromise, though, and there were several times when we had to point out to his parents that we were working really hard to make sure to include BOTH traditions.  We tried to make sure that we’d included many things that they felt were important as part of a Jewish wedding, and then asked that they try and be respectful of the things that my family felt were important and representative of us.  His parents often weren’t aware of how many things we had consciously included from Jewish wedding traditions because they take them for granted.  Pointing that out was helpful.  There were still a few really hot button issues, like having parents (not) stand under a chuppah, and dealing with those were unpleasant, but you have to do the best you can, compromise when possible, and stick to your guns when it’s really that important! 

Post # 16
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Why not consider having a kosher style and italian style option for dinner, if need be vegetarian too. clam chowder or matzo ball soup / lasagne with meat and cheese or beef with potatoes. That way everyone can eat what they want and you have mixed the two cultures with their ethnic food. 

Another option is to have a more continental wedding menu that has three choices: meat, chicken or fish And for the rehearsal dinner, which the groom’s side usually pays for have Italian with some kosher style options 

I also agree with one of the comments that suggest seafood options during appetizers, so you have some different options that satisfy the Italian, Jewish and Vegetarian guests

Yehudit Steinberg – Jewish Interfaith Wedding Network

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