(Closed) Parents used our gifts to pay for dinner they threw in our honor. Thoughts?

posted 8 years ago in East Asian
Post # 3
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I actually VAGUELY remember someone posting about this issue a long, long time ago. I’m going to go look for it. It was nearly the exact same situation with the bride’s chinese parents taking all the money…i believe the groom was american? *hunting*

Post # 4
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009 - Small church ceremony with mountain-view log cabin reception

aaah! I honestly have nothing to offer but I’m so sorry this situation happened. I *hope that this is a cultural norm and I’m not cringing for nothing. hugs:)

Post # 6
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

WOW.  Just WOW.  Trust me I understand what you mean.  My mom was insistent on me having a traditional engagement party “thrown” by her aka “Aubergold I need your money to throw you an engagement party even though I will tell everyone Im hosting it”   I had to shut that down real quick.  

Im so sorry this happened to you.  It’s really not fair.

 

Post # 7
Member
1222 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m not Chinese, but this is just bizarre to me! I’m really sorry that happened. Me and my parents would definitely be having words if they, what I consider to be, stole all that money from me.

Post # 8
Member
3374 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

WOW. Are you going to write thank you notes or is your mom?

Post # 9
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Were the gifts actually made out to your parents or to you and your husband?  I don’t know the culture.  But were you okay with letting them actually take all of your gifts?  Is this the norm for weddings in that culture?  I know I wouldn’t let anyone else take all of my envelopes, for instance.  Or was it that you had found out that you would be paying for the dinner with your monetary gifts and were okay with them taking them at the banquet? 

Just seems so unfair.

Post # 10
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@jayce:  I’m not Chinese and know nothing about the culture but this is just wrong.  I agree its not worth starting an argument over but…sheesh.  I’m sorry.

Post # 11
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

This is something that is very foreign to be, but clearly is the norm in your culture. I’m really sorry this is something you have to deal with, and hopefully, you won’t be doing this with your children since you saw how much it hurt you when your parents did it to you. It just doesn’t seem fair! I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this!

Post # 12
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry but this seems very wrong in my opinion.  I mean what’s done is done but I would have been clear that I would not accept a party if they’re going to use what the guests gave as payment.

Post # 13
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with each post prior to mine.  I am not familiar with those customs but it just doesn’t seem right to me.  Those guests gave you and your husband money for you to use and have as a married couple.  Essentially, the guests paid their own way to the party. 

Post # 14
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

If it’s their cultural tradition, than I guess I don’t have much to say about that. Who am I to say that some other culture’s traditions are wrong or bad?

That said though… what gets me is that you didn’t even want this party. THEY wanted to throw the party, so imo they should have had to front the costs for it. By using monetary wedding gifts that were meant for the couple to pay for the party they essentially had you pay for a party you didn’t even want. :

Post # 16
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think this is one of those cultural things (maybe a little bit similar to a southern bride’s mom planning the entire wedding?) that happens, is unpleasant for somebody, and then it is that somebody’s decision whether they will continue or break the cycle.

It kind of sucks for the one doing the breaking, because you get the short end of both sticks  (i.e. to break this cycle you would have to pay for your child’s reception out of your own pocket, even though your mom didn’t pay for yours).

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