- 2 years ago
- Wedding: December 2018
Here is your warning: I need a good vent. This is going to be long. My parents and I have a somewhat unstable relationship. Growing up they were very fickle and controlling. We moved a lot (not for military or work related reasons, they were just running from their own famiies or bored? idk) and we never lived anywhere long enough to set down roots, get to know people, become enmeshed in the community, create life long friends…you know, all that good stuff that makes your life fulfilling. They are very wealthy and they have no friends. Neither of them have any relationship with their parents or siblings, thus I have never had a relationship with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins..none of them. My father is hot and cold..sometimes he’s very loving and patient..catch him on the wrong day and he’s vicious, rude, offensive. He’s an extrovert and very intelligent, but eerily like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation if he’s in a bad mood, which is often. He’s also a narrcissist and loves to say things for shock value in front of strangers which makes me very nervous to introduce him to people. My mother is an extreme introvert with major body dysmorphia and an eating disorder. FI’s parents go out to eat often and throw parties and she refuses to join any of it. It is difficult to take her to restaurants or to anyone’s house for a meal because her eating is so strict and specific it makes the whole thing entirely awkward. It is not uncommon for her to order something at a restaurant, modify the hell out of it, then send it back because they forgot one tiny thing and not let them bring her something else..just sit there with no food while everyone eats.
My FI’s parents are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. I love to say, everyone they meet becomes their best friend, because it’s true! Their hearts are so big and they love to have fun with all the people they love around them. I feel so lucky to become a part of their family and it has really opened my eyes to some harsh truths regarding my own childhood. My parents never abused me and I was well taken care of, but there was always a big piece of something missing and this engagement and wedding planning is really starting to bring all that to light.
They are both being totally cold when it comes to wedding talk. Since my dad has a career in public speaking, I asked him if he would like to officiate, because we’ll be skipping a lot of the traditional wedding stuff (no dad walking me down the aisle, or father/daughter dance) so I thought I’d give him another big way to be involved. He accepted but didn’t seem nearly as enthused or touched as I would expect a father to be when asked to play such an important role. I am their first born daughter and the first to get married and they love my Fiance but they could not seem more disinterested in the whole thing. I bet my mom is already feeling the anxiety of having to attend this huge party and have some portion of the spotlight as “mother of the bride”, but it absolutely breaks my heart that my joy is pretty much her nightmare. I am under no illusion that this dynamic can be changed, I guess I’m just disappointed because I thought something like their first daughter’s wedding would ignite some sort of excitement for them..idk. I’m realizing now what a foolish expectation that was. After our engagement all my work friends and FI’s family and friends asked how excited my mom was and it’s embarrassing to have to admit that well, she doesn’t seem to care too much. I am very grateful that FI’s mom is so ecstatic.
My parents and I live very close to each other. My mom and I work in the same building. I go in and out of speaking to them on a regular basis because we’re good one second and then out of nowhere they start acting rude and uncaring and just like the kind of people who want to shut themselves inside their big house forever and be left alone. It’s confusing. I don’t understand why they push people away or how to get around their impulse to do so. I love them but they bring such a negative energy into my life now that several times within the past year my Fiance has had to hug me while I’m in tears and swearing that from now on I am definitely limiting our interaction to holidays only.
Does anyone have some advice for a daughter with two parents who seem to be suffering some sort of introversion disorder? I don’t even know how to define this because it’s not something I’ve heard anyone else describe. The older I get, the more I’m seeing that I need to distance myself from them, but it’s a hard pill to swallow. They’re my parents..but I wish we had the same kind of love my Fiance has with his parents.