(Closed) Parents wanting to pay

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

People want their children to have the best day of their lives… many parents dream about this day since their kids were babies. Let them have their way; especially if it’s not something that is going to hurt you

Post # 4
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like you guys are perfectly capable to host your own wedding then? 

I’m of the mindset that if you want to pay for it pay for yourselves.  You’ll get all the say and control.  If they want to pay for something, then maybe they will still feel like giving you a monetary gift as a wedding present – afterwards.

Or give his parents the rehearsal dinner, since that’s an old tradition, and one less thing for you to do.

Frankly, I think anyone who gets aggressive with me when having money talks is not someone I want dangling money in front of me and taking over my wedding!

 

“they often seem to think that fiance is still a kid who can’t take care of himself.”

Is this an ongoing thing that you have seen in other aspects – not just the wedding?

Post # 5
Member
4893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I have parents sort of like your FI’s. Me paying for my own wedding? Not even an option. Pretty sure they’d disown me if I even mentioned it. 

What about letting them pay for a few things? Rehearsal dinner is a good, traditional one. Depending on how much control they’d want, you could go for venue, photographer/videographer, catering, cake, flowers… something to let them feel involved. 

Post # 6
Member
2692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I guess it’s nice if they want to pay but to get so agressive about it, not cool.  If you want to do it all yourself,  I think its nice but not at the risk of hurting feelings or upsetting people.  talk with both sets of parents and maybe  to come to some sort of agreement of alotted expenses they can cover.  That way everyone can be happy.

Post # 8
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you are worried about this now (the parents having such influence in your FI), then yes you will worry about it in marriage most definitely.  It’s not going to just go away on its own unfortunately, and I think this is probably the root of the problem here.

Have you expressed your worries to your FI?  Does he ever attempt to stand his ground with them?

Pay and planning for your own wedding together can really be the first grown up/independent step you two make together as a couple.

Maybe give the ILs the rehearsal dinner as a comprimise?

Post # 9
Member
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with other posters. Give them something specific and contained that you don’t really care about too much. Like the rehearsal dinner. Let them pay for it all and go nuts. But if you start taking money for other things then they may want a say in how things are going to happen. And that can get tense.

Post # 11
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

“We’ve tried suggesting that they pay for specific things – they can pay for the photographer, alcohol, band, whatever! But they insist on paying half of everything, because it’s “their share.” They flip out if we suggest they pay for less than half.”

 

Well you can 1) cave to their tantrums and do what they want to do, or 2) stand your ground, be firm and don’t let their emotional guilt-tripping rule how you want things to go.

Sounds like your Fiance has been emotionally manipulated by them and caving to their needs for all his adult life. 

 

Post # 13
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry it’s not as smooth as you hoped!

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