(Closed) Parents who want their kids to “have it good” but not be spoiled!

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Sweet.Sugar.Rose:  I think about this too. My parents never bought me a car or paid for my school and working for those things myself gave me an appreciation that many of my peers lacked. I’ve already decided that even if I have the money, there are some things I won’t buy my kids so they will work for them.

Post # 4
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with you. My aunts kids are the perfect example of spoilt. Everytime they are good, they get a treat. Everytime they go to the city, they get a toy. Every “holiday” the get something. They are super disrepectful…It kind of drives me crazy. When i was little, I was good because it was expected. I got something on my birthday or christmas….OR if i saved up my money (as in my 10 a month for keeping my room clean and cleaning the bathroom once a week) then I paid for it myself! I wasnt allowed a cell phone until I was 17, AND I had to pay for the monthly bill. A treat for me wasnt a new toy..it was an icecream cone, if i was really good. When I was 14 I was working, and I wasnt allowed to miss work or school unless I was dying…..

Post # 5
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I definitely think about this, especially since I’m going to school to be a teacher, so I see both sides. I often wonder how I’ll balance it as a parent, but I think the fact that us bees are already thinking about it and will be considering it as we parent our children is already a step in the right direction.

Post # 6
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yes, oh goodnes… Whenever I see a bratty, whiny, child, I think (and Darling Husband and I ask each other,) “HOW are we going to not end up with a kid like that?”

My initial reaction is that you have to learn to say “no” to your kids. And expect resistance! Teaching them that they don’t just get whatever they want (at an age-appropriate level,) I think will help out as they get older.

I want to hear suggestions that others have!

Post # 8
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Sweet.Sugar.Rose:  I think you should start it when they are toddlers, even like one years old. Some might say that is harsh, but I’ve watched one year old I know get handed anything he wants to play with, even if it is something he can damage. I’ve seen them hand him more and more food as it falls on the restaurant floor making a huge mess for the poor staff. I see him get fed whatever food he points to and wants. I could go on, but I think you get the idea…and I can see it all going down a horrible path.

Post # 9
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Sweet.Sugar.Rose:  Yeah, I definitely think a toddler isn’t too early! Even a toddler can be taught the concept of “sharing” or “picking up” their toys (to some degree.) Anything you can do to help them gradually see that the world does not revolve around them…

I think a lot of parents don’t do this b/c it’s HARD. It’s a lot easier to just give your kid another piece of candy than to endure 15-minute tantrum!

My plan (haha, for my nonexistent children…) is to try and teach *at home* and early on that “no” really does mean “no,” and extra whining doesn’t get anywhere. Then, in public (as I know there will be meltdowns, and that is often when parents crack…and then the kid learns thats how they can make the parent cave!) I will still have a firm “no,” AND try and teach (through discipline) that there are serious consequences for “acting up” in public.

Anyhow, that’s a little different than your initial question I think…but that’s just some more of my rambly thoughts. I think as they get older, the expectations/consequences will be a lot different, I just haven’t nearly thought that far!

ETA: oh, but my children will be *perfect* so I’m sure none of this will actually apply… πŸ˜‰

Post # 10
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I’m 12 weeks pregnant and wondering about this πŸ™‚ Darling Husband and I both grew up in families where there wasn’t a whole lot of extra cash for treats, and where no definitely meant NO. We want our kids to also know the word “no” and not expect things to be handed to them, but at the same time we are more financially comfortable than our own parents were, and we already have so many fun things in our house (multiple computers including tablets, TVs including a projector for movies and games, Playstation 3 among other consoles, etc – Darling Husband loves his toys) I’m not sure how we’ll make sure our kids aren’t spoiled brats. But we’ll do our best πŸ™‚ I think that’s all you can do with any parenting decisions really!

Post # 11
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Your kids can have access to a computer/technology without them having their own. I think that’s a good place to start! I think having a “family” computer in a family room is a great way to do it. If the kids want their own, they can contribute to it once they can work.

I’ve been watching how my brother is raising my nephew with mild horror: at age 5, he has his own flat screen TV in his room, mounted to be able to watch it in bed. He has multiple game systems hooked up to it (in addition to the systems downstairs in the living room). He has his own iPod touch and Nintendo DS. My dad complained the other day that the only way to get him to interact with people was to take the batteries out of his game system.

That’s definitely something that will not be happening with my kids!

Post # 12
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think that, no matter how much Darling Husband and I make, I want them to get a job at 15.  (Even if it is just in the summers-)  Aside from that, I have learned from teaching 4 year-old preschool a few things- you have to be tough.  You have to be strict.  You can’t be passive.  You can’t let your kids talk nasty to you- they are so much smarter than many parents realize and I see time and again (every night when certain parents show up to pick up their children) kids turn nasty and abusive when the parents show up!  All of my hard work to help them be good little people seems to go out the window when the sweet, well-intentioned parents come to get them.  Often times, it is just that- the sweet parents with good intentions.  The kids need boundaries, and consequences.  Sigh.  They act out when the rules are not enforced.  They punch the other kids if they do something out of line.  Kids wants rules and consequences.  This I know!  They will push your buttons if you don’t enforce them! 

Parenting is a hard job and I think some people just don’t have the energy for it or the personality for it.  I understand parents are exhausted and do so much, I just often feel like people don’t realize just how much work it is and it makes my job hard because they are like different kids when they get dropped off, then all day we work on making progress, then they get spoiled again.  Sigh.  I think this does have to do with “not spoiling them,” because from what I see, it is mainly about how the chldren learn to act and how that is reinforced that impacts them.  I think if they are spoiled materialistically, it is not as negative a consequence as if they are spoiled with too much attention, a lack of consequences for their actions, and the like.  Just my experience!

My little sister (much younger, different dad) was spoiled in the wrong and most important ways- her parents don’t work and they spoil her with attention, lack of follow-through, and they basically revolve their lives around her.  This is the worst way to spoil someone, IMO!  She is something else.

Post # 13
Hostess
11167 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

This is a really interesting subject that my Fiance and I discuss quite a bit. He was raised with minimal spoiling as one of the middle children of four. I am only child and was given the best of everything…I was spoiled.

I think that a lot of negativity surrounds the idea of being spoiled and I can definitely see where some of that comes from. However, in my experience while I was spoiled I was also encouraged to do community service, focus on education and extra curricular activities, travel the world and see how others live, and my home life was less than perfect. Perhaps that allowed me to avoid the “spoiled” mentality and appreciate things a bit more, who knows?

I am incredibly grateful for the experiences and benefits that my family allowed me to have and I want to give those things to my children as well, he doesn’t necessarily agree to a point. One BIG factor, private school. I was taught in private school for nearly my entire life even up through college while he attended public. The differences in our educational experiences are dramatic (I mean our experiences overall not just the curricular itself).

We have yet to agree on where we stand in raising our future children and eventually we will have to figure things out….it is a hot debate.

Post # 14
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Definitely. My 10 year old cousin is a total brat. I love the kid with all my heart, but sheesh. He’s more like a little brother to me because his parents live next door to my parents (his dad and my mom are siblings). He got a Wii when he was 4, an Xbox when he was 5, a flat screen TV when he was 6, etc. He wanted a laptop this past year for Christmas…but thankfully he didn’t get one. His parents have gotten him cell phones (expensive ones) and he’s in the 3rd grade! He will get mad and then throw the cell phone on the floor, break it, and then a few weeks later he’ll get a new one. Everytime his mom goes out, she gets him a new toy, at EVERY single store she goes in that day.

As a preschool teacher I have seen it from both side: spoiled children with everything and children who practically just have the clothes on their back. So sad.

Post # 15
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m pregnant with our first and I’ve been thinking about this – most specifically, I don’t want her to value material possesions over life’s simple pleasures. Easier said then done, especially since she’ll be the 1st grandchild and my Mom and grandma have already said they wanted to buy her diamond stud earrings!!! =_=

But my Mom lives oceans away and we live simply, and so do the people around us. I’m not too worried about it, but I do want her to have “nice” things and expect her to take care of them (i.e. a nice computer when she gets older, a quality bike, nice sturdy shoes, that kind of thing). I don’t think there’s anything wrong with providing for children, as long as you can afford them. This doesn’t mean the latest posh bag every holiday or expecting a brand new computer to be replaced if a key is broken, but certain things, I feel, are necessities.

I also want to limit her toys. From the start I will only introduce a few toys and whenever someone buys her something, I’ll wait to let her play with it. I don’t want a room filled with toys that aren’t played with or valued because they all came at once.

I want our children to “want” something, whether it be candy or ice cream and then have to wait for it. When she’s older, I want her to learn to save her allowance to buy certain things. But most importantly, I want to emphasize simple, family activies like gardening or cooking or even cleaning together, instead of purely shopping.

Post # 16
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My kid is 3,5 years old. He is such a sweetheart. We have a cute little rewards board on our cupboard I made myself with stars, so everytime he does something that he doesn’t like (poo poo in the toilet etc, or taking a shower with me(he is scared of out electrical shower device) we give him one star. We literally advance, so now we give him one star for two times poo poo etc. He gets the point of it, and loves it! 

He wants to save his stars for a cinema visit or for a toy in the Disney store and that is basically 20 stars (He has 8 after 4 weeks). His reward can be chosen from some things that me and Fiance decide could be a good reward. At one point he was talking about saving up for a PUP (LOL, we are considering getting one for the fall). For the “small” (But amazing things we absolutely think he does) things he does, like helping me setting the table, picking up his toys etc, helping out in the kitchen, I usually give him alot of praise, hugs and telling him how good he is doing and he gets uber proud. He is positively affected by this in so many ways. He also have his little Cars wallet (soo cute) and we give him like a euro or two every saturday for his saturday snack (he loves shopping for his candy!!). He also has a little “goodie bag” with small small toys or snacks when he has been extra good or done something great that could be acknowledged. We have a little piggybank for him, so his saturday change from the candy shopping goes there. Works like a charm and he is happy about it! 

Whenever he sees something that he wants in the store I always tell him, that if you really want it, you can get it for your birthday or save your stars. No fuss, no arguing. He is fine with this because I think he gets this outlet with the star boards etc. He started with it just for two monts ago. 

When kids are small/young the most important things are to have shorttime goals and longtime goals. That pup will probably be coming in fall this year (a longterm goal), but in the mean while, we can treat him to small things and still have a really happy and positive outlook on behaving properly etc ( goodie bag, rewards board) 

I guess when they are older things come out naturally. I was doing extra chores at home, and I got extra shopping money for clothes etc. It really helped me understand the value saving money etc. They should have a good life yes, but also get an early understanding that “No, money does not grow on trees etc. My kid already asks about this, and he knows why we work etc.

I’ve been reading alot in “The Incredible Years” By Carolyn Webster Stratton and has worked so great with our kid. He has been so insecure and very aggressive with alot of negative attention from his biological dad. But almost after using the book as a tool to understand my child, it has been doing wonders. Highly recommending it! πŸ˜€ 

The topic ‘Parents who want their kids to “have it good” but not be spoiled!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors