Post # 1
My fiance and I got engaged in Feb. We originally planned to elope on a cruise with whatever immediate family or friends could or would attend and planned on a celebration at my Aunt’s when we got back. That was until I told my parents. They wanted me to have a traditional wedding with out family there. I have a HUGE family and my parents divorced when I was two and have been remarried over over 20 years. So my fiance and I decided that this was as much for us as them and are planning a modest but formal reception at a hotel banquet, as requested by my dad, locally.
I have gone as far as getting a sample gown, 3 dollar a piece centerpieces (I am making), my cousin is DJ’ing and many other frugil and yet fun things. However with a guess list of 215, and that is the short one, we started at 400, the wedding is 15000 total. Which is good I think for EVERYTHING!! My mom promised us 5000, my Fiance’s parents 5000 and we are contributing 5000 and of course I am covering anything we add that hasnt already been agreed upon.
Here lies the problem. My Mom has decided to back out of her commitment and although I understand, she puts us in a tenuous position because she insists that the guest list stay as it is. I am more than willing to be flexible but I dont see where else other than the guest list I can shave off money.
Also my fiance and much of my family is very angry with my father as he has refused to help but is also making demands of us as far as what to do and who to invite. I feel as though he should help. He has 3 children with my step-mom (my half siblings) and he paid for all of them to complete a four year college, as where I have had to put myself through school. He reasoning is that he is has 3 other children to worry about and my sister is months away from getting engaged and her wedding will have to be paid for. Am I wrong to feel hurt?? I told him that if they couldnt contribute financially, that would be ok, but I would want them to help out, if they were just involved and helped in more of a supportive capacity, but that hasnt happened either. He even forgot when my engagement party was and wont be able to come til late because he has other plans.
Please help, my fiance and I just want to cancel everything and are not sure how to handle this. Canceling everything would hurt those in our family who are happy for us and want to celebrate. Has anyone uninvited there parents??
Post # 3
I’m so sorry. I have not gone through this. If you do not want to cancel, the best you can do is cut the guest list. I think you are just in feeling hurt. If my Dad helped all his kids except me, I wouldn’t know what to do. Props to you because you seem to be handling this very well!
Post # 4
Ouch, this must be very difficult. Its an awful lot for everyone to make such demands on the two of you, yet offer so little or no help. I understand where you are upset about your dad…mine is the exact same way. Don’t let them all bully you though! If you need to scale back to be able to afford it, then do so! Its not fair for them to expect you to go through financial and emotional straights and then completely accomodate their needs.
I hope you sort this out. Good luck.
Post # 5
I don’t think you should uninvite your parents, that’s something they may never get over. It’s a big deal breaker. However, you need to set the line with your parents. They cannot demand anything of a celebration that THEY are not hosting. Hosting means FINANCIALLY contributing. Draw the line in the sand and tell them that you had planned to elope, but are instead celebrating as a favor to them. Insist that they either front the money they promised, or they lose out on the right to plan anything, and that includes inviting guests. I would IMMEDIATELY make a list of all of the people you plan to cut out if they cannot hold up their end of the deal. Give them that list, and explain that you do not have enough money for them, and they will not have a table to sit at for your reception. It’s tough love, but it isn’t fair for them to expect you to pick up their slack when you were perfectly comfortable eloping!
Post # 6
Agree w/ MightySapphire. My mom had a long guest list until I said, well, it’s XXX a head, and we’re paying for it all. That changed the conversation. You have already compromised a lot by completely changing the location and style of the event. This is your first night as a new couple and you need to establish yourself; don’t feel bad making these hard decisions. Good luck; I know where you’re coming from.
Post # 7
Yikes, I’m so sorry this is happening to you! Honestly, I would just create the guest list yourselves, and explain to your mom, “We have to pay $X per person, and since you’ve backed out of your comittment, we can’t accomodate our original guest list.”
If this we were me, though, and no Save-The-Date Cards and invitations had gone out, I would simply go back to your original plan on the cruise. Anyone who wants to come can attend. If anyone asks, just say, “We had to change our plans due to unforeseen events” and don’t get into any details. Have the celebration at your Aunt’s house and invite family and close friends.
Because your wedding is in October 2010, you definitely have time to think about it! I wouldn’t make any concrete plans until you and your fiance decide what you both really want, and if it’s worth it to please everyone else.
Good luck to you both! 🙂
Post # 8
What a tough situation! I’ve never been there so ((HUGS)).
The only thing I have to suggest is that your wedding is 15 months out so cut the guest list if you haven’t already done STD’s or heck go back to your original plan and do what YOU and your Fiance can afford.
This is one reason why I don’t like being lent money- they can not end up getting it to you or they want it back and you are SOL.
I’m not inviting my mom but she’s not in my life, either.
Post # 9
I don’t think your mom gets to demand the guest list stays the same but back out on her contribution. Remind her that you’re only having the wedding this way b/c she and your fiance’s insisted on it and you simply cannot afford the extra 5K.
Redo the guest list. I think you lose the “Right” to dictate a wedding when you don’t pay. Sorry, that’s fact of the matter. Plus, you guys were perfectly content with the cruise. Man, I’d go back to the original plan. Are you sure your dad is still going to help you finance it? At least your mom told you in advance, as opposed to a month before. And you’re right, at some point, you really can’t scale back a wedding anymore.
It won’t stop here. Save yourself the money and do what you wanted to do in the first darn place. You’ll be much happier without meddling fingers.
Post # 10
i had a very similar situation. both sets of parents approached us with huge lists for a wedding that we were paying for.
when you say your father refused, did you actually ask him and he said no?
I think @mightsapphire’s advice was right on. If no one has finacial contributions, no one has any say. I suggest you drastically cut the list. Or scrap the plans that are just for your parents and go with your original plan to elope.
I think weddings + parents = a confusing time in general. they have all these expectations and general assumptions but it never occurs to them that those only count when they are footing the bill.
Post # 11
I also agree with mightysapphire, give both of your parents a list of the people you will be cutting if they don’t contribute and leave it at that. Seriously, I think they can each manage to find $2500 for you, it’s not like you’re asking for tens of thousands of dollars!!
Oh, and your Dad is being a jerk. I can’t believe he is paying for your sister’s wedding and not yours!!
Post # 12
I know EXACTLY!! where you’re coming from- except our wedding is in 9 days!!
My FIs mom kept sending us lists in the mail of invites we HAD to send out- and being more than accomidating, we did so, however she has only given us $150!!! to put towards anything
(His mom and dad got divorced 23 years ago- and neither has remarried- dad has been with his significan other for 10 years-) What’s really annoying is that his dad refuses to help that much and has made comments to Future Sister-In-Law behind our backs about even having the nerve to ask for ANY money- he thinks that weddings only cost like $1000 RECAP: his mom and dad’s list combined= over 150!!
So here we are a week before the wedding and the catering and alcohol that his side of hte family was supposed to take care of is compeltely up in tihe air and i have already broke down crying 3 times today!!!
How is this even fair- his family keeps making these comments, won’t contribute, invited nearly their whole home town, and makes all these expectations- to top it off his mom threatened not to come bc she felt like she wasn’t wanted there.. i’m about having a heart attack today and my eyes hurt so bad!
I love my Fiance so much and can’t wait to marry him- and i never wanted to have to say this- but honestly I am excited to have our wedding day for US and MY family nad when it’s done— I’m glad i don’t have to deal with so much of the sneudyness and comments from his parents- he’s not even that close with them but his mom always seems to want to butt into our lives…
Post # 13
Your wedding, your money, your rules. I say tough snoogies if people have demands and aren’t contributing to help out with those demands.
Post # 14
Just wanted to give my supoort and say I agree with everything MightySapphire said!
Post # 15
Thank you sooo much for all the responses…The Fiance and I are going to sit down tomorrow and come up with a strategy on how to resolve this. I think MightySapphire has the right idea! I love my parents but if they cannot contribute then we cannot accommodate all of their added demands!
LilMisPriss – I feel for you! and I hope you wedding is wonderful!!
FYI – My dad actually said no before we even were able to ask him!! So just in case my Fiance and I formally asked him once we had a budget and said NO again!
Post # 16
Cancel everything and go on the cruise like you wanted! The people in your life that really want to be at your wedding will go on the cruise with you! Just pick a less-expensive one that most people can afford – give them a good 8-10 months warning to save money, and do what you want! It’s YOUR wedding and YOUR marriage.. why go into debt for something you don’t really want in the first place?