Parents"Its not our wedding but i control catering "

posted 8 months ago in Venue
Post # 16
12224 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I wouldn’t book a venue or pay for a caterer without doing a tasting either. I’d either accommodate your parents or pay for your own wedding if you think they are so difficult. And I don’t know why you are so resistant to a second walk through. That is common when more than one host is involved and you are trying to narrow down choices. 

If they are paying for the catering I don’t think what they are asking is unreasonable. It would, however,  be nice if they got back to you when you agreed to set up a tasting.

Post # 17
4578 posts
Honey bee

Since you don’t care about food (and by extension don’t care about how your guests are hosted or their enjoyment of their dinner), the simple solution is refuse their money and plan what you can afford.  And since you don’t care about food, it would seem the simplest way to solve this is by having a 2pm wedding, serve cake and punch immediately thereafter, and then get everyone on their way by 5pm or 5:30 at the latest so they can all have dinner on their own dime and you’ve simultaneously saved money and not had to care about food since you’d be having your wedding at an off meal time.

Money often has strings.  If you don’t like the strings, then your recourse is to refuse the money.

Post # 18
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

To me personally it is never worth it to be manipulated by anyone just to get money in return. The MINUTE they started acting demading i would have said, Thanks but no thanks you can keep your money, and your traps shut haha. 

I react very strongly to people trying to tell me what to do like that, so I would say no to the money and do it my way and in a budget I could afford. It doesn’t sound worth the money to deal with them at all. Cut them out. 

Post # 19
3062 posts
Sugar bee

candycane1611 :  Whatever you decide regarding your parent’s contribution, feed your guests. Feed them well. Your parents “get it”; you don’t.

Post # 20
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Save $275 every month until Dec 2020. Pay for it yourself and make all of the choices.  $6k isn’t that hard to come up with 

Post # 21
977 posts
Busy bee

Sorry but you care more about decor and getting pretty pics than thanking your guests properly by serving them good food? Yeah, nope. And your parents dont have to do any job for YOUR wedding. They’re helping pay! Not to mention I’d never book a venue/caterer without tasting. That’d be insane! Nothing is worse than crappy food when it comes to weddings IMO. Please get your priorities straight and be a good host. 

Post # 22
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Their money, their choice. 

The food is more important than decorations–cranky guests don’t make for good pictures no matter how beautiful the space is, happy guests do. 

Post # 23
6232 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

1- You are AWESOME for working hard to pay off your debts before getting married. It’s a very freeing way to start your married life.

2- As others have stated- your wedding is pretty far out. You could send your parents on food tasting adventures for the next year and STILL have plenty of time to plan your wedding.

3- Food might not be important to you but, as others have said, it’s a big part of a wedding- you are essentially planning a big dinner with a ceremonial component. The food should be as good as you can possibly make it within your budget.

I think you need to take a bit of time to decompress from all of this. Take a step back and figure out what your (and your FI’s) priorities are and, since you have said food isn’t one of them, let it be your parents’. In your shoes, I would find several venue options (that were pre-approved by us) and set up times for my parents to go to each of them for taste testing (without me- because all of the venues are places I/we (SO and I) had already decided we liked and were within our budget). I would also create a printable report for them where they could write down all of their thoughts/opinions on the food and what dishes they would suggest from that location (and what dishes they would stay away from), and then have them pitch me their ideas for why one place was preferable over another. Then, at the end of a set amount of time (say 4-6 months), they would have to choose one of the places on the list or have suggestions for other SOLUTIONS, not more problems or criticisms. I would also look into venues that have separate catering options so that you could pick your location and then send your parents off on their taste testing adventures with the list of approved caterers from the venue.

As an aside- We had people who were vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, and had food allergies as well as raging carnivores at our wedding. We found a great caterer who prepared all of the dishes as though geared toward the vegan/vegetarian folks and then had the meat dishes on the side. Everything was amazing- from the hors d’oeuvres all the way through the dinner. We got a lot of compliments on our food from our guests. If you happen to be in the SF Bay Area, let me know, I’d be happy to recommend them.

The other option is to simply have the wedding you can afford on your own or maybe elope and then have a reception . . . unfortunately- a reception would still involve the food selection element.

Post # 24
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - UK

I understand your frustration, nothing can really start until you find the venue. It took my fiance and me well over a year to find the right venue (but then we are very picky). That said:

-Your parents are right in that you still have plenty time to find a good venue. Don’t rush it.

-Food is important, it will be your biggest cost, its your thank you to your guests. Also just because your vegetarian doesn’t mean you cant have amazing food. In fact you should be even more invested in getting the right caterer because not all are great in vegetarian food, some are plain lazy, and I assume your not the only vegetarians in your friend group.

-I suggest you do the following. Make a list of all the venues you like in the area you are looking. Have a look around with your fiance and choose three you want to have a food tasting with with your parents. 

When me and my fiance where looking every now and then we would take a Saturday and go visit around five venues. We would make a hole day out of it. Have lunch together somewhere nice. It was fun. You should try and do the same, keep it fun, relax, realize there is no rush. Venues will try and put it in your head there is a rush in booking but at your stage there really isn’t. We found our perfect venue and booked the wedding for 10 months later and they still had plenty of space.  

Post # 25
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

candycane1611 :  Plan and pay for your own wedding. Simple as that. There’s honestly not much more discussion that could be had or advice to give about the subject. Either you pay for it yourself and do as you wish, or you play by mom and dad’s rules/wishes since they’re footing the bill. Furthermore, us wedding vendors are very used to dealing with crazy parents. It’s not THAT big of a deal to have two appointments with a venue. Set up the appointments that fit your scheudle to view venues. Once you’ve narrowed it down to a couple you like, let your parents set up a tasting. You’re making this a much bigger deal than it has to be.

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