Partner called off wedding

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6889 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Getting your relationship back on solid footing is absolutely the right thing to do before marriage. You have done some real damage here by insulting your fiancé and his family and generally acting the fool. Take time to prove you are more mature and in control of yourself than that and try to earn back some respect.

i don’t subscribe to the idea that people don’t have to accept any responsibility for what happens when they are drunk. We all know what alcohol can do, yet you chose to overindulge.  To accept the consequences, keep on the track you’ve started for yourself. A heartfelt apology to your future in laws as well as your fiancé could go a long way as well.

the fact that he gave you two choices, btw, tells me he’s not just doing what his parents want. I guarantee after your behavior they told him to just dump you. It’s fiancé who wants to give you that second chance with postponement.  Good luck to you!

Post # 3
Member
1495 posts
Bumble bee

working on the relationship sounds like a good thing. If my Fi gave me the ring back when drunk and insulted my family there is no way that a wedding would be happening anytime soon. I think there had to be some truth to what you were saying and reason you wanted to end the engagement. I don’t think drunkness causes random actions to happen.

 

Post # 4
Member
9068 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
nolongerengaged0408 :  You need to stop. You are blamng his parents for him making a very valid and reasonable request in the light of the horribly rude and disrespectful thing that you did. Just stop. Respect his feelings and decisions.

You are lucky he is willing to give it another go because I would be showing you the door. 

You seem to like to lay blame all over the place rather than accept responsibility for your actions and choices. You need to stop blaming him for your decision to get an abortion. It wasn’t a sacrifice you made for him, it was a decision you chose. 

Post # 5
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

Does your termination have anything to do with all this? You called it a sacrifce for him. Has this all been building up and you lashed out hell almighty when you felt you had an oppurtunity to do so and could blame it on all the alcohol nobody forced you to drink? 

Postoning your wedding is definitely the right thing to do and sincere apoligies will be required but I can’t help feeling maybe you need some counselling and help for yourself.

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you.

Post # 6
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You aren’t taking any responsibility for this at all. You sounded aggressive and abusive and you were the one who initially implied the wedding was off. You can’t make those kind of threats without having any fall out and it is no wonder he isn’t able to go through with the wedding as is.

In some ways it sounds as though you actually had an abnormal amount of freedom from your parents, and you can’t use this as a basis to judge your partners relationship with his own. 

Blaming it on being drunk isn’t acceptable, nor is limiting alcohol over the festive period. It sounds like you need to go off alcohol for a prolonged period of time to fully work on yourself, it isn’t normal to get that drunk at a work event.

Of course you both will have messy emotions from the abortion, but ultimately this was your decision. You were unmarried, in.a rocky relationship and your partner voiced that he didn’t feel ready, something he was perfectly entitled to do, and if you are going to stay together you can’t resent him for a decision that you made.

Post # 7
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry you have had a tough year. I think you need to take your parents vs his parents family dynamics out of this completely. It was your actions that caused your partner to call off the wedding. He sounds resonable and level headed in his request. 

I would take this opportunity you have been given to work on your relationship with your partner. Time to bring up all the issues not just the drinking.  Tell the absolute truth about how you have been feeling. The termination can be a trying time for any couple and a agonizing decision indeed. Have you been drinking to cope? I ask because you don’t sound happy about your decision since you called it a sacrifice. 

Post # 8
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

unfortunately its fairly common for my coworkers to get bombed at work parties… i  think everyone has had too much to drink before and acted the fool in one way or another. i know drunk-me has done some stuff sober-me would *neverrrrrrrrr* do, so i don’t drink to excess anymore. sounds like you’ve made the decision to do the same. kudos. 

from what you described you really acted terribly, drunkenly tried to end your engagement, and humiliated your partner in front of his father. i would think the idea to postpone the wedding would be his own, though surely supported by his family. it is going to be hard to work your way back into any of their good graces.  

also, you seem to really resent your partner for your decision to have an abortion. that is something to see if you can get past before marrying. good luck. 

Post # 9
Member
4911 posts
Honey bee

Alcohol doesn’t make you say or do anything you aren’t already thinking – it just lowers your inhibitions allowing you to do it.

Sorry you had a rough year, but you are damn lucky he even gave you the option of working on things.  Act like it.  Your post shows you accept zero responsibility for your actions (you blame alcohol, his parents, your different upbringing, etc.).  You talk like being able to be rude and disrespectful to your parents is some badge of honor – how about just not be rude and disrespectful?  This in no way makes your upbringing superior to his – in fact I’d say maybe your parents enabling you being able to be a brat without consequences maybe led you into the current position you are in because as soon as your inhibitions were lowered you seemed to think that was an acceptable way to act.  

If you really want this relationship to work, I recommend you do some deep soul searching and actually accept responsibility, apologize sincerely to him and his parents, and seek some therapy to help you with whatever underlying issues led you to this place and the clear judgment and resentment you seem to have for him and his parents.

Post # 10
Member
1764 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you should leave him. He’s not going to change, they control him. He chose them over trying to defend you when you were drunk. And I understand what you’re saying about the abortion and sacrifice- you gave up a lot for him. And he didn’t have your back when you needed him now. Everyone makes mistakes and this was a one-time incident, plus you were blacked out drunk (black out does not mean passed out, it means no memory). Fiance should have been more concerned/alarmed at how drunk you were and try to help you instead of freaking out over the beligerent insults.

You had a lot of frustration built up that you were holding back and the booze let it out. Nobody’s a perfect drunk lol. But this is his sober reaction- by work on things he means you’ll have to kiss his parents butts and conform like he does. Do not do it!! You’re better off walking away. His parents will never forgive you and they will always control him, your life will be hell. This is a blessing, girl RUN!!

Post # 11
Member
3240 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

To be honest if I was your boyfriend’s friend or family I would be tell him that he deserves better. You had a rough year but that doesn’t give you the right to lash out at anyone (regardless of your drunkenness). 

I would take a hard look at the things drunk you said and decide if you said them because you meant them. 

It sounds like there is a lot of resentment here so calling off the wedding was a wise decision

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

In vino veritas.  Being drunk doesn’t make people do things they don’t want to do; it just knocks down the barriers we construct to prevent ourselves from doing what we want if it’s socially unacceptable.

Maybe his parents did influence his decision or maybe not, but it sounds like the right decision nonetheless.  It definitely doesn’t sound like marriage is the right step for your relationship right now.  You seem determined to blame his relationship with his parents for what happened, rather than the fact that you called the wedding off and humiliated him in front of his family.  And you dropped the circumstances of your abortion at the end like flinging a rock at somone’s head.  None of that indicates a great start to a marriage.  

If you really love him, then do what he suggests and take this time to work on repairing your relationship.  If not, you’ve been given a pretty good get out of jail free card, so maybe use it

Post # 13
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
nolongerengaged0408 :  

Nobody caused you to get blind drunk and make an ass of yourself but you.

Alcohol doesn’t make people do atrocious things, it merely takes the brakes off.  Your drinking has reached a point where it has severely damaged your relationship with your Fi.  Take that very seriously.  It’s a clear signal that you’re in the danger zone.  Don’t kid yourself that you can somehow manage your drinking behavior on your own.

It is not normal or professional to get shitfaced at a work event.  Many careers have been blown over less dreadful behavior.

You were abusive toward your Fiband his family.  Why he’s willing to give you another chance is beyond me.  Show him you’re serious about improving yourself by getting into therapy, stat.

 

Post # 14
Member
13063 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think you’re lucky he was willing to give you a second chance at all. It sounds as if you haven’t taken the time to reflect or become self aware, rather all I see here is a blame on others and the implication that your former Fiance can’t think for himself. Which is a pretty ironic accusation to make given the circumstances. 

Nobody can make you say or do things you don’t believe. In his shoes you would not have your second chance. What you really need is alcohol abuse education and therapy and to show you are making an effort to address your own issues.

Post # 15
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
nolongerengaged0408 :  I think the way you were raised is tainting the way you view your oh’s relationship with his parents. The way your parents raised you is not better, it’s just different.  I’d also argue that they did you a disservice if they didn’t teach you how to disagree with someone without being disrespectful and rude.  That’s a basic skill any adult should have.  Also, wanting advice from your parents doesn’t mean that you can’t, or are afraid, to make a decision on your own.  Sometimes being an adult means accepting that you don’t know it all and need outside advice.  I think that as long as you see his upbringing as “wrong” and yours as “right” then you’re going to have a problem with your relationship with your oh. Now onto your drinking.  Getting blackout drunk is a problem. You’re an adult. Adults should never drink so much that they behave the way you did. You need to step away from alcohol,perhaps permanently, and get yourself into therapy. You are resentful of your abortion and oh and his parents.  All that needs to be worked out before you should even think about getting married. And as always, yep marrieds advise is spot wrong. 

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