(Closed) Partner hardly wants to have sex

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Twice a week is pretty good if thats consistent. If finding time is a struggle you two need to come together, and really talk about your ideal amounts of sex per week and then find a comprimise where you both meet in the middle. It sounds unromantic maybe but in grown up relationships we have schedules and responsibilities and making time for spontaneous sex can be hard work. If you have an established routine then you have something you can rely on and look forward to.

Say for example you want sex five times a week and he wants it once, you meet in the middle and have sex twice a week and once a week he gets you off another way without having sex so you get yours and he can maybe get his if that gets him in the mood. Or whatever works for you when you both work out what is realistic and fair. But being sexually compatible is very important and I honestly wouldn’t get engaged until you get this one sorted if it means that much to you. In the meantime buy a vibrator and USE it.

Post # 4
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

xotikk:  Yes, I have to agree with Yipeebee:  right down to get a vibrator if you don’t already have one!! My Darling Husband works late too and isn’t in the mood as often as I am as he’s so tired. It’s really difficult. That’s not to say that you should have to DIY all the time though because I know it’s not the same. 

It sounds as though it’s your work schedules conflicting at the moment and this happens to us all on occasion. Just make it clear that a bit of romance is important to you and you both need to find a way to fulfill your needs. Good luck frustrated bee!

Post # 5
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

xotikk:  rechargeables, lol!

Post # 6
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

 

xotikk:  I am glad I am not the only one!! I am in a similar situation, I am 23, my SO is 26. Our frequency has decreased the longer we have been together. In the beginning It was five to seven times a week and we are now down to twice a month!! I have always been very sexual, and he is no where near as interested as he used to be (before you ask he is not gay and is not having an affair). This has been the subject of many many many arguments but the more we argue about it, the less sex we have. It sounds really tragic, but I have resigned myself to the fact that we barely ever have sex. I’m sick of arguing about it so I take care of it myself these days. 

Post # 7
Member
3902 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

If the frequency of sex has decreased since the start is cause at the begining of a felationship people are more infatuated with each other and usually have more sex, now that this is a stable long term relationship you guys got your routine twice a week is fine if it’s consistent and stable with the occasional no sex week… or once a week… and sometimes 3 times a week… Me and Fiance have been together 3 years and 4 months now, livimg together for 3 yeats and 2 month….we had it more in the begining, now we have it twice a week usually, with the occasional once a week and the occasional 3 times a week, and we take a break during menstruation (both not into sex during that time) so the average is twice a week still and most of the time it’s great to epic lol. I noticed that sometimes when webhave it once a week it’s extra epic and when we have it 3 times is good. I’m 30 he’s 38. Works for us. I’m the initiator about 50% to 2/3 of the time, I have a somewhat higher sex drive than him, idk if it’s the age diff or the fact that I’m a little less out of shape than him or cause he works fill time and me part time so he is more tired, or it’s just cause mine is just higher but we make it work, at first when it went down to twice a week it was really bothering me cause i always wanted like every other day (so 3 to 4 times a week) but it worked out, I adjusted and like our twice a week now cause it’s so god ๐Ÿ™‚ so I think it’s what u gues are going though,the only other thing that comes to mind is maybe he’s bored? Cause he’s so young… and (this is just my opinion) i think men should settle down with anyone long term till they are like 30ish to get all the crazy sex out of their system, like fantasies they have… threesomes and such… and being with 1 girl may get boring if they are young and want more… Idk… it may be the same for some women too but I think it’s more like that for me. I hope it’s not the case with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and I hope you guys are just settling into your twice a week routine. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
Member
9819 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

We go a month or two without quite easily (as in it easily doesn’t happen, not that the lack of is easy for me), and it does bug me. My sex drive is higher than his I believe, and it used to be really really high. But some medication I am on for something else has lowered my sex drive so it doesn’t bother me as much. Sometimes there is a good reason for it not happening, like me being away recently or one or the other of us being sick. But when he rejects me, it hurts like hell. And given that I am a lot bigger than I used to be when we started dating, I worry it could be related to that even though I know I am not. He does still give me signs of wanting me, when I say how I am feeling about feeling unwanted anyway.

My advice is talk to him, and schedule some special date night to bring the spice back. But honestly I haven’t successfully fixed the issue in my own relationship (although we don’t live together yet) so I can’t give you the best advice.

Post # 9
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think of the two of us my drive is heaps bigger than his. We’re lucky to do it once a week (mostly once a fortnight) due to work schedules and other stuff. If you want to make it work with him then do what PP said and schedule a specific time when you both can. Or surprise him in an outfit?

Post # 11
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

xotikk:  Have a sit down conversation and book a few sex days a week in your diaries I think mapping iit out like an appointment could be quite sexy. You can also spice things up like reminding him in the morning, ‘Remember, sexy, I am going to make you feel so good tonight’ or texting him in your lunch break, ‘Can’t wait to let you undress me later. Thinking about your hands on my hips and thighs’ That could be a lot of fun and you get to play and set the scene so when it comes time, no one is allowed to forget and it may get him pretty excited!

Post # 12
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Once or twice a week sounds about average to me. I would plan on getting a vibrator if your sex drive is higher than his. 

Post # 13
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

xotikk:  please don’t let this knock your self-esteem though, this has nothing to do with your desirability! I know our minds can stray where we don’t want them to but the fact is that everybody’s sex life goes through ups and downs for various reasons. It’s important to be able to talk freely about sex with your SO. I certainly do. Sadly I can completely commiserate with the sheer frustration. I hope you two can work out a sexy arrangement soon!

There’s something called sensate which is a technique where you spend half hour on your partner’s body just touching in anyway you like so long as it isn’t sexual. You can massage, cuddle, stroke, lick and kiss so long as it’s not on genitalia. It shouldn’t lead to sex. If you do it properly it can feel gloriously intimate and pleasurable whether you’re the giver or receiver. You take it in turns and also take it in turns to invite your partner to the next session with a set date and time (so the effort isn’t just down to one of you). It’s not sex but it’s less effort so it can still work if you’re both tired. The receiver shouldn’t touch their partner back during the half hour. Darling Husband and I tried it after seven years together and we’d never felt so close to one another. I loved having total control over him! Then as the receiver I could just selfishly relax. It might be worth including it in your relationship if you get the chance, you still get appreciated but it doesn’t have to lead to sex.

Post # 14
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t necessarily agree that the longer you are together the less you’ll be having sex. My Darling Husband and I make it a point to try and have sex everyday because it recharges our batteries. I’m going to be in the minority here and say maybe you should talk to him and find out if this is something that can be improved.

Post # 15
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’ve been in your situation, and though things have gotten better in the last 3-4 months, sometimes it’s still hard. Since my Fiance and I started having sex, we’ve only really done it once a week, or once every 10 days. I have a higher libido than Fiance, and honestly, yeah. It sucked. It was hard trying to understand why he wasn’t interested in being intimate more often (he tried to describe it as like the cherry on the cake of our relationship, but that only bummed me out further).

It took a lot of talking and a visit to the doctor (for him), plus joining the gym and going 5 days a week, for his libido to slowly come up. Now we have sex once to twice a week, and we never go without for longer than that. It’s definitely a step in the right direction. It’s not exactly how often I’d like, but I appreciate that we’ve made the steps to make things more intimate in our relationship, and I know he’s trying.

Still, it took a huge hit to my self-esteem. We fought about it more times than I’d like to admit. I was rejected a lot, and I found myself initiating (only to be let down) 80% of the time. I’m not sure how to tell you not to take it to heart, but I’d encourage you not to let yourself feel like he wants it less than you because he doesn’t think you’re pretty, or isn’t attracted to you, etc. There could be many things going on outside of what he thinks of you! Exhaustion and stress are two huge factors that can really kill the desire to have sex.

Have you talked to him about this? If you approach him using “I feel” statements, maybe that will help the conversation move forward so he doesn’t feel attacked or pressured (if you already do this, great! I’m not saying you don’t, but I know this helped a lot in our communication when I used “I feel … xyz” instead of saying “You don’t … xyz”). Communication should always be the first step in fixing a problem. Otherwise, silent resentment will kill a relationship. Take it from me; we had some rocky weeks and months because I silently stewed on my anger and sad feelings and didn’t let him know the extent of how much it hurt me to be rejected like that. If you’ve already talked to him, I suggest trying again in a neutral place and time (aka not the bedroom, maybe during the day). My Fiance too felt “pressured” whenever I tried to talk to him about it, but after a while he realized that I wasn’t trying to nag him, I just wanted to help us both fix the problem so that neither of us were unhappy. It’s definitely not fair if he doesn’t want to talk to you about it and help work through the feelings. He needs to be willing to at least listen to you and think of ways to meet in the middle. A difference in libido isn’t something that just goes away if you don’t talk about it. I think sexual satisfaction is important for both partners, and if it’s not addressed, it will definitely come back to bite the relationship later on (whether through resentment, unhappiness, etc…)

Good luck Bee! I’m rooting for you.

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