(Closed) Partner moved back overseas now wants to give it another chance. Worth a risk?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2432 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’ve never been in an international long-distance relationship. How would taking extended leave from your job affect you financially? Would you have the financial stability 3 months from now to fly back home to Australia and rent a new place if things didn’t work out? 

Post # 3
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

It sounds like living in the UK is very important to him. I think you should probably not visit and find a flatmate. 1) if you want him to come and get you, you will need him to actually come get you. So far, all you have confirmed is that if he jerks you around you will jump, so from his point of view he hasn’t made a mistake. Ignore him for awhile and see if he gets more attentive or less.  2) it doesn’t sound like you are getting what you want from him (marriage, living in Australia, house) and could use some time to think about this and meet some new people. He did stick you with a large rent bill in a bad situation. Has he tried to make good on that yet?

Post # 5
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Let me get this straight: he lived with you for 3 years and couldn’t decide whether he wanted to marry you. Now he wants you to give up your exciting job and go live with him in the UK, still without any promise of getting married?

Post # 7
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee

It makes me uneasy how often he flips the switch.. He has pulled the rug from under you twice.

 

You are stuck paying double rent and struggling financially and he expects you to (on a whim) fly to the UK – not cheap from Australia. 

 

I’d be wanting a lot more from him than empty words.. “He will do this.. He will do that..” When he actually does it that’s when I would be considering giving him another chance. 

Post # 8
Member
3100 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

jennab28:  Don’t do it.  Don’t jump through any more hoops for him..  He told you when he dumped you and moved away,  he loves you but he’s not in love with you. Even now when he claims he wants you back so badly,  he is not committing to marrying you. 

Post # 10
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think he will move back to Australia.

Post # 11
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

I did the international thing. It’s extremely hard giving up your job, family, and friends to live in another country where you know no one. I understand him wanting to be in the UK bc his father is sick but if he also wants you there it should be bc you’re his wife. If he wants to be with you then he should fly to Austraila and propose asap. He also needs to help you put everything in storage and pay for it with his money that should have gone to your rent! I really don’t like that he left you without rent money though, that’s incredibly rude and I would be afraid he would walk out on me again in the future. 

Post # 12
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Don’t give him any more of your time. He isn’t reliable and he constantly refuses to compromise with you. 

Post # 13
Member
2976 posts
Sugar bee

Ive been married for 28 years (to the same man).  

This doesn’t necessarily make me wise about relationships but it does give me a sense of perspective.

With limited knowledge of the situation i would say to you the following things.

If you are not sure that you love this man, don’t go.  

If you love this man you probably need to go to the UK for 4 weeks and no more, but he must pay for your return ticket up front.

He should also offer to pay your expenses while in the UK.  You may choose to refuse this offer but the offer should still have been made. ( I would also hope that he previously paid his rent for your flat for the agreed notice period rather than just stopping when he left.  If this isn’t the case don’t go.)

If you love him you are going to have to put yourself in a make or break situation because then you will KNOW.  He, in turn, has to show total emotional and financial commtment to the plan. Treatment for the depression has also to be part of the package.

If you still have any doubts whatsoever at the end of this time then break up with him, go home to Australia and begin a new life.  You deserve a man who is prepared to be fully committed to you and one who won’t play with your emotions. Don’t be manipulated into staying.  Don’t accept any future plan of visits to Australia.  All or nothing.

I have to say that, like the other Bees, I see an awful lot of red flags. Just remember – all or nothing. Any doubts whatsoever then end the relationship. Any emotional blackmail end the relationship.If the relationship isn’t closer and better than ever before end the relationship. And if you feel uncomfortable at any time take an early plane home.

You might also like to consider whether you could actually live in the UK for any length of time.  We have lots of history and culture but the weather is awful.  You might miss Australia and your own family terribly.

Post # 14
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

I’ve been through this kind of thing before, and I’m a firm supporter of the ‘don’t do it’ camp. Or if you really must–make him prove himself to you. He’s shown you not once but twice that he’ll jerk you around and run off when things get tough, and I don’t see how you could trust him not to do that even after you get married.

Words are pretty cheap; he can talk as the day is long but until he actually does something about it then you’ve really got no reason to uproot yourself. You would have to sacrifice so much to be with him, and if he can’t make affirmitive action to make all that worth it then he’s being incredibly selfish and not a good partner to you.

Don’t let fear make you stay. He took the risk of losing you twice now, and in my opinion someone who is truly committed won’t get to that second time.

This may seem harsh, but it’s early and my patience is pretty thin with men at this point in my life. Live for you–it will be better I promise!

Post # 15
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

My vote: Don’t do it. 

The topic ‘Partner moved back overseas now wants to give it another chance. Worth a risk?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors