- 4 years ago
My partner of four years (34) broke up with me two months ago to move back to his home country (the UK) to be with sick family, start and business and get his ‘head together’ after he revealed he has had severe depression since taking a job he hated here in Australia two years ago.
We met in Australia (my home country) and lived together for 3.5 years. He left a good job to take one at a startup companya and ever since then the relationship was never quite the same. He went from treating me like a princess and always being there for me to rely on to going out very late drinking with mates, withdrawing from me and being reluctant to make any plans for the future ( completing a defacto Visa, getting married, buying a house etc).
I came home one night and he said he didn’t know what was ‘wrong in his head’ but that he was homesick and lonely and had to go back to the UK. He also siad he would always love me but was no longer in love with me and that he felt pressured by my constant asking about marriage and commitment as he feels he needs to get a stable job before he can support a family and have the wedding he would want (although I’ve never needed him or asked him for money and would not want a lavish wedding). He said he wasn’t ready for marriage.
Our relationship was once so easy and chilled and I truly thought it was forever until he broke up with me the first time, in November the year before last when his dad got prostate cancer and he freaked out and brought a one way ticket home. We got back together a day later and travelled over to see his dad together.
After we came back from the trip he says he felt homesick. He asked six months ago if I’d live in the UK with him for a year, but I was scared to leave my family and told him I would one day but wanted more of a commitment from him first.
Anyway, after the breakup we stayed living together until he flew out. We discussed a lot of the issues in or relationship and he left saying he wanted us to contact each other every day and that he needed a few weeks to get his head sorted then we would talk about what we should do next and if we both wanted to continue the relationship.
He has now been gone for a month and I am living alone in our two bedroom flat, struggling to pay two people’s rent while my sister decides if she wants to move in/ I get a flatmate/ I break the fresh 12 month lease and get a one bedroom flat. I have thought about things a lot and, while I am obviously very hurt I also miss him terribly and have thought about how good things were/ could still be.
ANYWAY – we texted every day as planned but within a week he calls me crying, saying he made the biggest mistake of my life and he wants me to fly over for Christmas. I told I missed him too but a week wasn’t long enough to truly regret what he did. And what if he changed his mind yet again? He asked me to come for New Year’s eve and I said I needed more time to talk and plan things and to know how he really feels. It’s been three weeks since then and he has called,e mailed and texted with ideas for how we could resolve things.
He has suggested I take unpaid leave from my job (which I am very lucky to have the opportunity to take) and live in the UK with him for 6 months – a year while he buys and renovates houses to make money for a deposit on our future home. When the time is up we will move back to Australia and buy a home and he will continue with property development for a job. He also suggested that he will complete a de facto Visa for Australia and we will take steps forward to getting married and having a family.
As I don’t want to move there on a whim, I thought I could use some of my paid leave from work to have a ‘holiday’ to see him for four weeks. See how I feel after that and what plans we discuss together, fly back to Australia and either stay without him and end the relationship or take a month or two to give notice for leave without pay from my job ( I can take up to 2 years) and put my stuff in storage.
In the meantime though, I’ve told him a phone call and texts saying I miss you isn’t enough. If he wants me, he’ll have to put up the fight he said he would if he realised he’d made a mistake. I told him it’s time to think of how he will clean up this mess and I’ll be waiting to see what he does before I do anything.
I think, seeing as he left me with double the rent each week, the least he can do is pay for my return ticket for the holiday. But perhaps he should come back to Aus to get me? Sort things out from our home before going back together? Perhaps he has taken it too far and I shouldn’t let him reject me another time? How do so many other people make international relationships work?
I love him, but my heart can’t work out what to do. What do you think?