Partner not comfortable with intimacy

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
610 posts
Busy bee

Mmm good luck. My ex husband was very similar, in the dating phase. Although the sex was really enjoyable, I was also the only one to ever initiate sex. When we were married he constantly rejected me and said I was “obsessed” with sex. The lack of intimacy was a huge issue for me and what broke the marriage for me. I tried many things to get his interest and wanted to do counselling, but he had no interest whatsoever.

I’m now remarried and realise I am not obsessed with sex at all. My now husband is very loving and affectionate and almost always the one to initiate when it comes to sex. 

I believe it is really really important to be on the same page intimacy-wise. If you are already feeling unhappy now, it’s not a good sign. It’s something you two really need to discuss.

Post # 3
132 posts
Blushing bee

If he’s not comfortable with it, that’s just something you need to respect. There’s nothing wrong with liking sexy talk and stuff, but just like any other sexual thing, if someone says they are uncomfortable with something we don’t push for them to do it more or expect them to initiate it. Like if this was a post about a guy saying he really enjoys anal. He needs anal to be happy in his relationship (of course, I’d argue he doesn’t need anal and you don’t need sexting, it’s a want). His partner is not comfortable with that. Of course (s)he wouldn’t initiate it! And he shouldn’t expect that. It’s either something you can deal with on your end, or you decide to find a partner who has compatible sexual views.


Invest in a vibrator if you don’t have one. 

Post # 5
2722 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think this is dire or a dealbreaker by any means — as long as your needs will be met once you close the distance, and assuming you do close the distance soon. Since you say you plan to this summer, is this something you can live with for a few more months? My Fiance is pretty private and not into sexting or porn either — but it’s not a problem becasue he initiates actual sex and we are both very satisfied with our sex life. I just chalk it up to the fact he was raised religious and I wasn’t, so I’m more comfortable with my sexuality. The fact that he’s more reserved around sexuality than I am isn’t a problem because it doesn’t impact our sexlife, but if we were long distance I could see it being more of an issue for the same reasons it is for you. 

Post # 7
4230 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It doesn’t sound like you’re sexually compatible. It’s not just sexy talk, you said he only wants sex in bed with the blinds drawn, won’t watch porn…and he has a right to all of those preferences. 

But never assume someone will fundamentally change who they are. He just doesn’t have as adventurous interests as you. He probably never will.

What you need to ask yourself is if nothing ever changes in regards to your sex life are you going to be happy and fulfilled in your relationship?

Post # 8
132 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
glutton :  I’m glad it got you thinking! It’s interesting you say that anal seems a drastic comparison–physically, sure, they’re on two different levels. Is it physically painful to sext? Probably not. But mentally? For him thats a yes, and that’s just as important as if he was physically in pain. Sexual growth can absolutly happen, I agree, but that takes a willing party that isn’t pushing past their limits to just appease/please their partner. I would be very unmotivated and resentful if my partner had that as an expectation or kept trying after I said or implied it was uncomfortable, and those feelings aren’t really good for healthly testing sexual boundaries. 

From what you wrote, affection is an important thing for you in long distance relationships. I think it might be important to ask yourself how else you can fiill your need without making him uncomfortable. Maybe it’s getting your rocks off privately, and facetiming him later and having a really quality (nonsexual) conversation for ‘pillowtalk’. Maybe it’s prioritizing trips to see him more often until you’re not LD. I dunno. 

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