Post # 1
My SO and I have differing sexual thresholds. When we are together, we love being intimate with each other and are pretty good in bed with each other. But we are also long distance, which makes it hard to see each other more than once every six weeks or max. once a month. I’m someone that is more sexually…er driven and need things like sexting, sexy phone talk, etc. to keep the romance between us alive when we’re not together. And I’m much more open sexually than he is. He is much more private than me and is not comfortable with anything remotely PDA, or sexting, or sexy phone talk. He gets very shy and is just not an initiator in that aspect. He says he will try but never actually does or if he does I don’t catch it.
Other aspects of our relationship are strong, and I know cheating is not a concern to be worried about (that’s really the last thing on my mind). It’s just…I know I shouldn’t keep outdated gender norms but it’s really hard for me to process that a guy wouldn’t enjoy sexy phone talk, sexting, etc. He’s so private that while we do have a great time when we are together, he still makes sure every blind is closed, we only are intimate in bed and not anywhere else, he’s a little OCD about the bedroom door being all the way shut…we tried watching porn together once and he absolutely hated it and we had a big fight afterwards because he didn’t feel comfortable watching with me.
I know he can’t help it because he was brought up very conservative and by nature is very private but sometimes his introvertedness and private nature just feels so stifling to me 🙁 I’m trying to cope and just push down my needs but sometimes I feel like shouting, DUDE, you are in a serious, long-term, monogamous relationship! IT’S OKAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF SEXUALLY SOMETIMES!! lol.
We have been together 3 years, but it’s always been long distance. We are aiming to close our LDR this summer.
Post # 2
Mmm good luck. My ex husband was very similar, in the dating phase. Although the sex was really enjoyable, I was also the only one to ever initiate sex. When we were married he constantly rejected me and said I was “obsessed” with sex. The lack of intimacy was a huge issue for me and what broke the marriage for me. I tried many things to get his interest and wanted to do counselling, but he had no interest whatsoever.
I’m now remarried and realise I am not obsessed with sex at all. My now husband is very loving and affectionate and almost always the one to initiate when it comes to sex.
I believe it is really really important to be on the same page intimacy-wise. If you are already feeling unhappy now, it’s not a good sign. It’s something you two really need to discuss.
Post # 3
If he’s not comfortable with it, that’s just something you need to respect. There’s nothing wrong with liking sexy talk and stuff, but just like any other sexual thing, if someone says they are uncomfortable with something we don’t push for them to do it more or expect them to initiate it. Like if this was a post about a guy saying he really enjoys anal. He needs anal to be happy in his relationship (of course, I’d argue he doesn’t need anal and you don’t need sexting, it’s a want). His partner is not comfortable with that. Of course (s)he wouldn’t initiate it! And he shouldn’t expect that. It’s either something you can deal with on your end, or you decide to find a partner who has compatible sexual views.
Invest in a vibrator if you don’t have one.
Post # 4
Hmm…the anal example you gave is good actually. I would never want anyone to force or expect me to initate that because it’s not something I’m comfortable with, at least not anytime soon. At the same time though, in my head your example is a lot more uncomfortable than my example of sexting/phone talk but that’s just me I guess. Also, you can always slowly work your way up to something more “advanced” like anal but once you live together there’s not as much need for sexting and phone talk.
Post # 5
I don’t think this is dire or a dealbreaker by any means — as long as your needs will be met once you close the distance, and assuming you do close the distance soon. Since you say you plan to this summer, is this something you can live with for a few more months? My Fiance is pretty private and not into sexting or porn either — but it’s not a problem becasue he initiates actual sex and we are both very satisfied with our sex life. I just chalk it up to the fact he was raised religious and I wasn’t, so I’m more comfortable with my sexuality. The fact that he’s more reserved around sexuality than I am isn’t a problem because it doesn’t impact our sexlife, but if we were long distance I could see it being more of an issue for the same reasons it is for you.
Post # 6
Welp, I hope we’re not headed in that direction! 🙁 But I’m really happy that you were able to find someone more compatiable with you 🙂
Post # 7
It doesn’t sound like you’re sexually compatible. It’s not just sexy talk, you said he only wants sex in bed with the blinds drawn, won’t watch porn…and he has a right to all of those preferences.
But never assume someone will fundamentally change who they are. He just doesn’t have as adventurous interests as you. He probably never will.
What you need to ask yourself is if nothing ever changes in regards to your sex life are you going to be happy and fulfilled in your relationship?
Post # 8
I’m glad it got you thinking! It’s interesting you say that anal seems a drastic comparison–physically, sure, they’re on two different levels. Is it physically painful to sext? Probably not. But mentally? For him thats a yes, and that’s just as important as if he was physically in pain. Sexual growth can absolutly happen, I agree, but that takes a willing party that isn’t pushing past their limits to just appease/please their partner. I would be very unmotivated and resentful if my partner had that as an expectation or kept trying after I said or implied it was uncomfortable, and those feelings aren’t really good for healthly testing sexual boundaries.
From what you wrote, affection is an important thing for you in long distance relationships. I think it might be important to ask yourself how else you can fiill your need without making him uncomfortable. Maybe it’s getting your rocks off privately, and facetiming him later and having a really quality (nonsexual) conversation for ‘pillowtalk’. Maybe it’s prioritizing trips to see him more often until you’re not LD. I dunno.
Post # 9
Hmm, yeah I guess I’ve always struggled to understand when something (not just intimacy) was mentally or emotionally challenging/uncomfortable for him or even for my friends that seemed to easy and normal to me. Guess I could try harder to understand his point of view and hope that quality pillow talk (which we do have and I do value/need as well) is enough 🙂
I think I could be if I really tried, but I sometimes exhibit tit-for-tat kind of tendencies so I would need some compromise eventually. His privacy struggle runs into other things as well beyond the bedroom – he’s really shy about PDA of any kind in public, doesn’t really like attention (for example, he wouldn’t like it if I decorated the door with balloons and a happy birthday sign), and for the longest time wouldn’t put our relationship up on social media until we were engaged and even then it was still a point of contention between us because to him, he’s not very public in general and doesn’t see a need to “show off”. We eventually compromised on the last part and posted our engagement pictures and changed our relationship status to “engaged”, but I had to wait it out 3 years for that to happen and only when we were “official” aka engaged and not before then because again, he comes from a conservative culture and family.