Partner too close to female friends – what is the answer?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

You are getting married in October and he is chatting to women he met online about the problems in your relationship?

Post # 3
Member
5068 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Attention seeking, lack of boundaries.. These are definitely issues. Perhaps therapy will give him an outlet to discuss all his concerns that would otherwise be too intimate to share with a friend of the opposite sex. IMO its okay for someone to be friends with someone of the opposite sex if both individuals respect boundaries. If boundaries are not respected then it could be preemptive to an emotional affair.

Post # 5
Member
9604 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would dump him honestly. Hes not trustworthy. He is looking for backburner ladies, needs attention, isnt committing.

Post # 6
Member
9131 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

This is an affair waiting to happen.  I would read the book “Not Just Friends” to help you wrap your mind around how inappropirate his boundaries are.  If he doesn’t recognize it and change his behavior, you’re better off not going down that road into marriage with a guy who needs his ego fluffed by extra women on the side.  He already shows that he doesn’t respect you enough to listen to your viewpoint and make you feel comfortable in your relationship.

Post # 9
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

lolot :  an affair waiting to happen indeed. Relationships are tough enough without an outsider involved. Dont give your all to a man who doesnt appreciate and value you the same way. 

Post # 10
Member
2925 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

rachel351 :  I don’t believe his crocodile tears for a minute.  You told him you were uncomfortable with his closeness with the first female, so what does he do?  Run to someone else.  Nope, not cool in my book.

He wants his cake and eat it too.  He loves the attention from other women.  This has nothing to do with you.  Some guys are afraid to commit to one woman. He’s already proven, a second time, that he can’t leave the attention.  I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that.

I don’t know.  If he really was committed to you, he’d stay away from these other women.  I don’t think he “needs” a counselor.  He needs to be able to put up boundaries that he clearly doesn’t want to.

Post # 11
Member
9604 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

yeah he might clean up his act for a bit, but rest assured this is his MO. And theres no changing that. How will it feel if this happens when youre married? When youre a mom? Just dump him. Really. 

Post # 12
Member
2508 posts
Sugar bee

He hasn’t done anything unforgivable yet.

An important note here, though, is that he tried to downplay or hide each relationship, so we know that HE knows that his behavior is wrong and disrespectful of you and the relationship. Yet, he did it anyway.

So. He is prioritizing his OWN need for outside/extra validation OVER you and the relationship.

These are 2 HUGE red flags:

– Selfish at your expense. Can you trust him to consistently prioritize you and the relationship? Definitely not.

– Has very low self-esteem. Some people can overcome this, but it takes YEARS, and it’s hard to grow past low self-esteem INSIDE a committed relationship.

I wouldn’t continue to date a guy who displayed either of these red flags.

Dating a guy with low self-esteem, while initially reassuring because you feel like they worship you and would never think they could “get better,” so you’re “safe,” almost always ends poorly because the guy winds up doing exactly that – thinking/hoping they could “get better” because that’s how they see the world.

The world is a ladder to them, and they are on the bottom rung – they feel inadequate, and the only way to feel better about themselves is to climb the ladder.

So they start feeling out their options.

But they don’t have the back-bone to do this WHILE SINGLE. Being single isn’t validating enough for them. So they do it from within the safe and comfy confines of a committed relationship. The relationship validates them enough to get up the courage to see if they can get more validation. It’s a validation teaser for these guys. They’ll never actually get ENOUGH validation from within the relationship – they’re chasing the dragon. It’s a type of addiction, for sure. 

And when they’re caught, hell yeah they’ll be distraught! They’ll cry and grovel and say they hate themselves and want to get better. Just like all addicts react when they get caught and taken to task.

But as soon as they’ve got their nice, comfy, safe, validating relationship back, they start jonesing for the additional validation again. Their ego feeds off it. 

I dated a string of guys like this because I had my own issues. Guess what – they all followed the exact pattern you describe, and those relationships all crashed and burned. And guess what else. Now that I’ve moved past my own issues, I would never, ever consider staying with someone like this. It’s unhealthy, plain and simple.

The fact that you are considering staying, to me, means that you have some work to do inside yourself. You deserve better than to stay with someone who will consistently disrespect you like this. His problems are his own – not yours to fix or nurture out of him. 

ETA: Just read your update on the fact that the entire content of his conversations with this new woman is you and the relationship.

This is NOT a point in his favor.

This is his way of peacocking from within a relationship. He can’t come right out and openly flirt with this woman, or he’ll look like a jackass. The next best option is to display what a great, perceptive, empathetic partner he is by discussing his relationship with her under the guise of “needing advice.” It’s pathetic in the extreme

Post # 14
Member
2925 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

rachel351 :  You feel sorry for him, why?  His tears are because he got caught.  He didn’t come to you willingly.  You caught him TWICE confiding about your relationship with other women.  You asked him once to stop…OK, I would give him the benefit of the doubt until he went and did it again.  Those are not the actions of someone that loves and respects you.  “Internal demons” my ass.  Maybe I’m just grumpy but I wish you could see what we see.  Please stop making excuses for him.  Relationships should not be this hard.

Post # 15
Member
2508 posts
Sugar bee

Obviously only you can decide what to do. YOU know the pros and cons of this particular person and relationship. I just highly encourage you to think carefully about your decision.

I don’t think anyone here thinks he’s crying ‘crocodile tears.” I’m very sure they were sincere tears. I’m sure he really DOES feel really bad about hurting you, and I believe that he REALLY thinks/hopes therapy will change him.

But feeling bad in retrospect does not save YOU from being hurt. He didn’t feel that bad when he initially DID the disrespectful things he did that he KNEW would hurt you. So he only felt bad in HINDSIGHT.

Do you want to spend your life with a guy who will only feel bad about hurting you once he’s ALREADY done it?

Like with any addiction, there IS a small chance he may come out the other end of this fully recovered and worthy of you. 

But the chances are much higher that he just continues along in this vicious cycle for the rest of his life and winds up either perpetually single, with a string of broken-hearted girls in his wake, or divorced.

If you DO decide to give him another chance, DEFINITELY sit down and set yourself some very firm milestones/expectations for both him and yourself.

For instance, if you stay:

– What will you do if this happens and third time? Go ahead and decide that NOW so that future you can’t just make more excuses.

– How will the two of you navigate his female-friend relationships/interractions? Will things be entirely transparent (I do not advise this – b/c it leaves you no opportunity to see if his behavior would continue, given the chance, and you don’t want to have to babysit him your entire life.)

– WHAT exactly will constitute “proof” that he has changed, and how long will you give him? 3 months? 6 months? At what point can you feel “sure” he isn’t just changing “for the time being” to get you to marry him?

So. If you think all his other merits REALLY outweigh having to deal with the above headaches for years to come… that’s your decision to make. For me, personally, no amount of merits would outweigh the prospect of spending the next few years (at the very least) of my life dealing with all that mess. 

Remember, people with low self esteem CRAVE your approval. So they initially come across as incredibly appealing. They have it down to a fine art. They know how to read a person and mold themselves to do and say the things that will garner that person’s approval. It’s the entire goal of their existence – get people to like them.

So try not to be tricked. Take off any rose-colored glasses you may be wearing. Watch him closely.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors