Partner too close to female friends – what is the answer?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
34 posts
Newbee

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  you are absolutely right , and I’ve brought up the exact same point you made. I do know that he has talked to her about her behaviour, because I’ve noticed now she acts a little more appropriate in my presence. However, I shouldn’t need to point out her behaviour is out of line before he does something about it . If it was some random woman (or random guy acting this way towards me) he’d know it’s not ok , but because it’s a friend that makes it different? 

Post # 47
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

duchessgummybunns :  This post, and the piece about insecure men viewing life as a ladder, was SO powerfully on-point to me.  I wish someone had sat me down and said what you said, to me, years ago, when I was emotionally entangled with a man like this.  Everything you said rang so true that it brought back simultaneous hurt and a sense of freedom from my past.

OP, please be careful with your heart.  I wish you all the best.

Post # 48
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

I’m going to go against the grain here and say he didn’t actually do anything wrong. And to everyone saying “affair waiting to happen…” dramatic much? He’s allowed to have female friends, regardless of how long or how well he knows them. I think a good litmus test is to ask yourself whether his friends are also friends of the relationship? In other words, even if they don’t know you personally, are they respectful and supportive of the fact that he’s in a committed relationship with you? I think the fact that he spends so much time talking to them about YOU doesn’t really raise any red flags since he’s not trying to hide the fact that he’s with someone. He may just need a sympathetic female ear to listen and give advive from a woman’s perspective. The fact that his opposite-sex friendships so happen to make you uncomfortable doesn’t necessarily equate to him doing something wrong. That said, it sounds to me like there may be some underlying trust issues. It sounds like he doesn’t feel like he can turn to you directly with a problem, and it sounds like you feel the need to snoop to find out what he’s been up to. While I’m in no way judging either of you for it, it can’t be healthy for your relationship. And as hard as it is girl, please take a look at yourself too and see what you could possibly be contributing to your relationship’s dynamic. It’s easy to place all the blame squarely on one person, but I’m sure that if we were to hear his side, he may have some concerns too. You both need to have a super frank discussion with one another in which you both very clearly lay out any and all boundaries of what you’re ok with and not ok with in your relationship that will help you both avoid a lot of unnecessary pain and confusion. 

Post # 49
Member
8830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

monkeyshines :  

he hates confrontation. — He hates confrontation with HER. Confrontation with you is ok.

He’d rather just ignore the problem and hope it goes away. — He’d rather nothing change and knows there’s no consequence.

That’s really sucky. Hope it gets sorted out.

Post # 51
Member
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

sunnierdaysahead2 :  I agree with this 100%. OP I hope you realize that this is his MO as other PPs mentioned.  When someone is truly sorry number 1 they don’t do it again, and number 2 they admit their wrongs in a forthcoming way. They do not wait to be caught in the act and then cry they’re sorry.  Regardless of how “broken up” he was about it, he wasn’t like that when he was confiding in these other women. Counseling is not something to be applauded, sorry.  Sometimes people do have issues they need counseling for but I think some people see it as an end all be all. Counseling doesn’t change or fix anything. It’s up to the person to do that and in reality most people don’t change. Applauding him for going to counseling aids his behavior and he can do things he shouldn’t do but then fall back ok counseling like “look at me. Look what I’m willing to do for you.” Ummm no. 

Post # 52
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee

rachel351 :  ” He said he is insecure, that recently he feels worthless and with no direction in life apart from our relationship which we claims is the best thing in his life. The conversations themselves aren’t even exciting, just pure day to day nonsense.”

If this is indeed all that they are, then why are you upset at all? No sane person would be upset about their partner having online conversations with random people about pure day-to-day nonsense. You simply have no reason to be. So the fact that you ARE upset suggests that YOU are now downplaying the gravity of his behavior, and that tells me you’re wanting to find “reasons” to stick this out. 

ETA: I understand why you’d want to stay in the relationship, Bee. That’s pretty normal. 🙂 It’s HARD to leave someone you love or to imagine that being with them could be worse for you than being without them. I don’t think any less of you for wanting to find reasons to stay or for wanting to support him through therapy. I honestly don’t know what the chances are of him changing–people CAN and DO change, even drastically, so it’s not out of the question for him to be yet another one of those people. But as PPs noted wisely, this sounds like an addiction of sorts for him, and addicts are rarely healthy enough for relationships. But, hey… prove us wrong. 🙂

Post # 53
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2018

ButternutPoppy :  I was married to him also and came home to panties on my bed that apparantly “he was wearing” haha. Sure. 

Post # 54
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

This is a case where I don’t think therapy for him would change a thing. I suggest you don’t stay in a relationship with someone who is a project and they need to be fixed. He is showing you who he is. Believe his actions!! Words (and tears) count for nothing. 

I have an ex who was like this. I forgave him so many times. I believed that he just needed attention from girls, he was just a flirt, he needed therapy, etc. It never changed. Never!! He broke up with me after he went on a weekend trip with a girl “friend.” We got back together. I broke up with him because he was spending way too much time with another “friend” (who later got pregnant and didn’t know whether it was my ex’s or her husband’s). When we broke up he got with a girl whose number he had gotten at a party while we were still dating! I got mad at him for having her number in his wallet. He gave me excuses, but ended up marrying her. He has been divorced three times now. Nothing ever changed with him. Nothing! 

Post # 55
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

The gender isn’t the issue. It’s him talking to someone else about your relationship rather than come to you which would really upset me. Also he’s clearly attention seeking which implies that he isn’t ready to commit. He needs to sort himself out but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with him in the process.

Post # 56
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

madison34 :  Omg, that’s what my ex said, too! Really?? Completely different sizes and everything? Buh-bye!

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