(Closed) Passive Aggressive Friend Upset About My Wedding Date

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Next time she brings it up, I would ask her understanding for the fact that weddings are difficult to orchestrate, say that you wished it would have been otherwise that she could have made it, but also note that she brings it up frequently and that you hope this will put it to rest – that you’d like to ask her to not mention it again. Or if you have a good mutual friend, maybe you can enlist their help in persuading your friend to drop it.  If she does after that, remind her that she promised she’d drop it.  And if she does so again, just be direct and confront her with a lot of what you said here. 

Post # 4
1114 posts
Bumble bee

I think it sucks that she can’t make it, but you picked the only date that you wanted/the venue was available that just happened to coincide with another wedding she’s going to. What’s done is done and she needs to move on from it instead of guilting you over it. Next time she brings it up, I would say “I’m so sorry that you aren’t able to attend. Is there anything else that’s bothering you, because you seem to bring it up a lot” and see what she says.

Post # 5
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I have a question. Your wedding is really June 2013, right? So is she a bridesmaid in this other wedding? If not, is it a family member’s wedding? Just trying to figure out why she’s so hellbent on going to that wedding and not your wedding, where she’ll be a bridesmaid.

I’d turn it around on her and tell her how bad you feel that she chose the other wedding over yours when the invitations haven’t even been sent. But that would depend upon whose wedding it is. If it’s her mom’s or sister’s, etc, fine. Otherwise, why isn’t she coming to yours?

In your talk with her you can say that you are disappointed by her choice, but you understand and are not harping on it.

But really, I think that if you did include her on the email, she’d be upset, feeling that you were sending her that while knowing good and well she wasn’t buying a dress, etc. So you can’t win unless you use the ammo I just suggested to at least break even.

Post # 6
6533 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

@honeybee1999:  +1

Yah, I’m assuming she had a good reason for picking the other wedding over yours but if she doesn’t… Yah, turn that shit around on her. 

Post # 7
2152 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like she had committed to this other wedding first, so it would be rude for her to back out because something better came along.

But I also think it would be best to confront this situation head on, and let her know that it hurts your feelings when she presents it in that way. If she still continues, you would be able within your rights to say things such as;

“Betsy, are you still going on about that?”

“Yeah, Betsy it’s all about you”

“Please stop bringing this up, I have explained to you 50 times that it was the only date available”

If she will not stop after those direct requests, then I would start limiting my time spent with her.

Post # 8
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Maybe it’s just the internet and not being able to tell tone, but I’m the kind of person that would joke about “Oh…she picked the ONLY day I couldn’t come!” Maybe she just doesn’t realize this is bothering you. And she’s probably still a little pissed about it. I get it’s your wedding, but people generally think about themselves and their situations. It’s difficult to put other people first, so I would be gentle with her.

I think you should just talk to her instead of ruminating over how she’s acting. Maybe she doesn’t know it bothers you. You can’t expect her to be a mind reader. If she still acts like that after you’ve talked, then you can start distancing yourself or responding coldly to her.

Post # 9
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

Maybe she was hoping she could be involved in the Bridesmaid dress shopping anyway, especially if all the rest of your close friends are going?  She might feel a bit left out if the rest of you are all going out and not her.

As for repeatedly mentioning it… some people I know will just pick a joke and run with it. She might be totally over it, and not realise it irritates you, just thinks that it’s a funny in-joke or something.

Hard to tell without hearing her tone though, or knowing her better.

Post # 10
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lilcshelli:  you are not being inconsiderate, while she sounds like she may be being a bit demanding, it also sounds like even though she can’t attend your wedding she wants to be able to be included in the stuff so she at least gets to be there for somethings. 

Post # 11
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

@andielovesj:  +1

I agree that you need to call her out on it- ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!

The only people you have to “schedule your wedding around” are your immediate family members and your bridal party- and even then- if someone’s on vacation and that’s the only day you can get your venue, they probably won’t be at your wedding. It was pretty ballsy of her to request that you schedule it around her, anyway, considering your relationship.


Post # 13
356 posts
Helper bee

There are only two ways to deal with a passive aggressive individual:

1. Let them make you so stressed out that you lose your shit and say something emotionally defensive; and,

2. Ignore them.

For your own sake, pick #2

Post # 14
228 posts
Helper bee

do you have older brothers? did they ever tell you how to cup a fart?  i’d do that…..



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