Post # 1
your thoughts please..
my SO & I have been together for a year and a half now. we have been living together for about a year.
After some time he has mentioned he is passive aggressive, almost in a flip kind of way. I have no experience with it and paid it little attention.
I have been experiencing some repeat behaviour of his such as pulling away, sulking, blaming my anger for our problems and when our situation boils to a head and we actually end in an arguement and he says he has been unhappy for awhile and claims we fight to much and he points out days, days later where he claims we made people uncomfortable because we disagree’d on something.
I am floored and we says this and don’t see it. This time I sent him an email while he was at work. I thought if I expressed how I feel calmly by email it might help.
It did. he came home and started apologizing and crying.
I had attached links about passive aggressive behaviour (I have sinced learned a lot, still researching) & told him how I felt. He cried and said he knows.
I feel awful.
I love him and don’t want to be the next person to abandon him or walk away. (he has parent issue’s and an ex wife who after 14 years they fell apart. think that really was the straw that re enforced to him not to count on people. love is fleeting)
But… I also not sure how much I can take either. I feel so unloved sometimes, I don’t handle silent treatment and cold shoulders for days on end very well at all. I am a talker, I speak my mind and I hate uneasy in a relationship. stresses me out badly.
It hurts when I think we are good and he says he hasn’t been happy for last while. (yet, he text me & tells me he loves me during those times and cuddles me ) he is so hot and cold sometimes or says one thing but acts a different way.
does anyone have any experince?? does it get better?
or suggestions on how to handle it or him?
Post # 3
Yes I have experienced this. It did not get better, not that it might not for you. I encourage counseling. If he refuses counseling then I would give it further thought, because like you I did not like the cold shoulder and believing that things were fine, when in all reality in HIS head they actually were not. I wish you luck and strength and hope he does do the counseling if this is what you end up working with.
Post # 4
It’s the fine line between being supportive and enabling…I would suggest therapyt for both of you so you guys can learn how to communicate and satisfy each other’s needs with a third party to help get everything started. Sometimes it really helps to have someone to bounce ideas off of and give you guys some really good tools to use in your relationship.
If things don’t get better, decide a point in time where you would be done putting in time and effort. Let him know that you want to be there and support him, but that his behavior hurts you and that you’re willing to work on the problems as long as there is progress.
It is important that he has someone who he knows wants him to get better and who cares, just don’t put up with being treated that way because that gives him no reason to change. He needs to know his behavior isn’t okay and hurts you, but in a calm and not accusatory way. Try using “I” statements. “I feel hurt and unwanted when you say you’re not happy because I don’t know what you need from me and I feel like you’re not giving me what I need from you, which is ________.”
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Relationships can be hard, but if he really does put in an effort and things get better it’s worth putting in the work. Otherwise, walk, because it’s not fair to be in a relationship like that forever.
Post # 5
Passive aggressiveness is one of those things that you have to address up front and just not accept it.
DH had a tendency to be like this when we first started dating and I just very simply told him that I knew what he was doing and that I would NOT accept that as how we dealt with things in our relationship.
My dad was VERY passive aggressive and it took a huge toll on my parents marriage and was a huge factor in it ending.
NO sulking or wallowing is allowed in our house… which means there have been plenty of times (at first) when I reminded DH “quit sulking” and “you need to stop making this about you”.. and deal with things head on rather than letting them stew
If you address it WHEN it happens then you can both recognize it and move to not do that anymore….
It’s a behaviour that your SO is very used to and even though he knows he does it, he likely doesn’t know HOW to react any different.
It’s time to learn… with both of you on the same page to grow in acceptable and beneficial communication about things you CAN fix this.
If he doesn’t want to be abandoned and alone then he needs to handle your relationship in a way that you can both grow and flourish together… (again… no sulking and wallowing or making it about him when it’s really about you or y’all)
Hope that makes sense… and Goodluck
Post # 6
I dont see how this can get better with out getting help. You should have a talk with him about going to see someone so he can work through this
Post # 7
One thing I know I can’t live with is more than light type of passive aggresiveness. If it can get better by professional help and a bit more efforts on BOTH you and him, I can see the light. However, if his passive aggressiveness takes a bigger toll on your general happiness than you would like to handle, I think you should expect it NOT get any better and reevaluate what you want in a partner.