(Closed) Passive Aggressive MOH/Best Friend Ignoring Me Post-Wedding. What to do? *LONG*

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How would you deal with a passive aggressive BFF/MOH that is ignoring you post-wedding?
    Don't make any effort with her & ignore her right back until she changes her behavior : (11 votes)
    32 %
    Make the first move towards resolution - call/txt/go to her house until she talks to you. : (16 votes)
    47 %
    "like" on fb to subtly show your feelings but let her keep her distance until she's ready. : (5 votes)
    15 %
    Other - Please explain. : (2 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7872 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    So she has ignored you since Sep 2012? I would do something in between the 2nd and 3rd options: “like” things on facebook, but also private message her on Facebook. Not “why aren’t we talking”, but ignore the drama and ask how’s married life etc etc. And talk to her at the May wedding. But I wouldn’t drive up to her house.

    My ex BFF (who was my only BM apart from my sister) hardly talks to me any more. But after not talking to me for years (admittedly partly because she’s interstate) we at least email occasionally now.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1470 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Call her! her behavior is very immature. Your friendship should be worth a real conversation. This sounds very high school. I’m sorry she’s being such a jerk. Good luck!

    Post # 5
    Member
    361 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Do not “like” her stuff on FB, to me, that is a cop-out of friendship. It is a very passive aggressive way of friendship. I realize in today’s age and technology, that is how many friendships remain in tact, but “liking” something on FB just doesn’t say friendship to me.  I completely believe in the straight forward approach.  I am so so sorry that this happened to you, it is such a sad thing in life to lose a friendship. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    734 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    She’s being very immature. Honestly, if I were you I wouldn’t really care to have her back as a friend after being treated like this. I don’t care if she’s a “victim” of someone else or not. She’s had more than enough time to talk to you and if you really meant a lot to her, she would. She just does not respect you… and personally, I wouldn’t tolerate it.

    Post # 7
    Member
    145 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2016 - Mexico

    Sorry you’re dealing with this. Being blown off by friends is so hurtful. Good friendships are hard to find, so I wouldn’t give up on fixing things. Clearly something happened that you might not even be aware of that upset her. Maybe she felt like you were copying her wedding ideas, trying to one-up her with your plans or maybe she feels like you were too absorbed in your plans to show interest in what was going on with her. I’m totally guessing though b/c I don’t know your situation, and it’s definitely immature that she’s choosing to ignore you rather than address the issue.

    If it were me, I’d e-mail her and ask how things are going with her and newlywed life. Maybe say you feel like you’ve been growing distant and you’re not sure why, but she means a lot to you and you’d like to get in touch and catch up. I hope things work out for you!

    Post # 8
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Have you tried to actually call her on the phone and speak with her? You don’t mention having tried that. I’d try calling or texting her a few times, like over the course of two weeks, and then if she doesn’t answer, just treat her as you would any other acquaintance. Don’t ignore her, but don’t go out of your way to “like” her stuff on facebook unless you’d like it if anyone had posted it. In other words, be normal.

    Post # 9
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee

    @KimmySumShuga:  sounds like a lost cause to me. Either sit there and pout about how you miss her, or move on and connect with your own friends. Life is too short. I don’t know the extent of your relationship with them, but was it like this before the wedding? Did the wedding drive you guys apart? Or were so caught in your own wedding that you didn’t realize you offended them? 

    I had a couple people who deleted me on fb out of no where. But I know the reason why, it’s because I never spend time with them or care about them enough to be friends with them. Some people click, some don’t. Don’t dwell, just cherish the ones who you care 🙂 

    Post # 10
    Member
    233 posts
    Helper bee

    @KimmySumShuga:  I feel so sad for you especially the part where you said you cringe when you see R in your photos. I can’t believe someone can treat you the way she has with no explanation so soon after being a bridesmaid at your wedding.

    As for M,I would try a more direct approach such as calling her ,maybe even from a different number so there’s less chance of her ignoring it since she hasn’t responded to your email. I really think speaking to her is the only chance you have of salvaging your friendship and to be honest it sounds like that would be more than she deserves.

    If she is hurt and angry it seems like its from some imagined wrongdoing on your part. You had your wedding 3.5 months after hers,maybe she thought yours was better and its jealousy thats her problem. You have bent over backwards to be a good friend to her and she isn’t doing the same. I would make one last stab at contacting her and if its unsuccessful try and let it go as hard as that may be. I certainly don’t think from what you have written you have anything to apologise for. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    3042 posts
    Sugar bee

    @KimmySumShuga:  I am wondering why you would want to be friends with someone who would treat you so terribly? I just can’t wrap my head around someone that loves you treating you this way. Why are you so accepting of this and assume you did something wrong? You seem very sweet & you deserve better friends in your life. 

    Please think about how bad you feel right now and decide whether someone deserves such a high status after treating you this way. Flip the script. If this were me I would absolutely stop chasing her with texts and emails and let her come to you. When she does reach out, you’re the one that should be deciding whether or not to forgive her. She needs to work to rebuild this friendship, not you. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    8120 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Obviously she does not wish to be friends with you and you said yourself that you cannot see yourselves as friends in the future. Why do you want to push this? Is it because you care or because you want to win?

    Also she isn’t being passive agressive. She is ignoring you and clearly doesn’t want to be friends any longer. If she does not feel like explaining why, well that is immature but it is also her perogative. Maybe you pissed her off at some stage during or up to your wedding but unless she wants to tell you then it will remain a mystery.

    If you must persist and be in my opinion confrontational then call her or go and see her in person. But don’t expect it to end in rainbows and puppies, if she hasn’t responded to you by now then chances are she is the type of person that will hold a grudge forever.

    Post # 16
    Member
    2053 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

     @KimmySumShuga:  You have a good heart. Don’t let people like M and R trample it.

    If M couldn’t get past her own insecurities about the proximity of your wedding to hers, if M couldn’t reciprocate the support for your wedding that you gave to her for her wedding, and if M proceeds to withdraw now, then this is a very lopsided friendship. I’m betting that if you look at your friendship prior to both of your engagements, there were signs of a lopsided friendship there, too.

    I’ve come to realize that weddings are a marker for many things, and especially help to gauge the true nature of friendships. It may well be that this friendship, after 10 years, has run its course and you can actually celebrate not having to chase after, as @Sheepshead: so eloquently put it, M for her approval, for her acknowledgment, for anything. It is not entirely a surprise that often on the Bee you will hear of 10, 15 and 20 year friendships come to a conclusion during and post weddings. I experienced both a 10 and 20 year friendship come to a screeching hault. But I am so glad those women are out of my life now.

    If you do contact her to get to the bottom of it, be prepared for it to get nasty and for her to manipulate your emotions further. You need to listen to the part of you that cringes about this kind of treatment from her.

    Ultimately, I’d wish her well, and let it go, and put energy into friends that have stuck things through with you. Put energy into friends who are willing to talk with you if they have a concern instead of turning something into a FB battle of ignoring and whatnot. 

     

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