- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
I have a moral dilemma and I’ve had enough of my heart breaking.
There is a girl I consider one of my best friends (M) that will not speak to me or acknowledge my existence via email, facebook or real life in general…
and its breaking my heart.
Let me give some breif, concise background.
We got engaged in the same year (M = May & Me = Aug 2011) and married in the same year (M = June & Me = Sept 2012) and I thought it was going to be all amazing best friend type planning process but no. M got angry that I was getting married “so close” to her date, chose a diff Maid/Matron of Honor (one of our mutual BFFs “R”) and proceeded to get all weird and secretive about planning and making it into some kind of competition.
We had completely different wedding ambitions (M wanted rose pink & ivory/vintage and I wanted navy & gold/nautical) and our weddings were 3.5 months apart so I thought everything would be fine! I was wrong and things haven’t been the same since.
M’s wedding was beautiful and I was a supportive Bridesmaid or Best Man the whole way through offering to be much more helpful than she ever needed/wanted me to and everything went off without a hitch… I really did try because I love this girl!
The summer rolls in and M moves an hour away to be with her husband and becomes too busy to really help with the plans of my wedding so I felt the need to have TWO MOH’s cuz I started becoming closer with another BFF of ours (L) and thought they would do well to share the role which both girls seemed to agree on and were excited about.
Anyway, my wedding comes, we smile for photos and M helps where I need but then disappears outside with R (a Bridesmaid or Best Man of mine) the whole night and I don’t see them until the after party where again, everything seems nice and happy… then both of them skip out on the hosted brunch the next morning and I never see them again.
I go on my honeymoon and when I return, email M about how I miss her and want to see their new place now that the wedding craziness is over and that her & R didn’t take their Bridesmaid or Best Man gifts but took the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses that they said they didn’t want (so I paid for) and I didn’t get any response…
THEN, I realize both girls have untagged themselves from all photos associated with the wedding…
AND THEN, then a week or so later the Bridesmaid or Best Man R deleted me on fb altogether…
They live 2 doors down from each other so I can only imagine the smack talk between them about me and the wedding and etc and it makes my heart hurt and blood boil to think girls I once was so close with would treat me this way… but we’ve always been able to resolve our problems eventually because our foundation of friendship is 10 years in the making… but to delete me on fb altogether after you were just a Bridesmaid or Best Man at my wedding?! How RUDE! I cringe when I see her in wedding photos now… I feel like such a fool.
Anyway, it happily surprised me when I realized that M and I were still friends on fb because I was sure R tried to talk her into deleting me too – she is easily controlled/influenced by R; another thing that upsets me – but she DIDN’T! That made me feel so happy… even though it wasn’t a reply to my email or anything, it still meant she cared for our friendship.
I sent everyone (including R) thank you cards for their gifts and support on the big day – even though it took me a few months – and I literally don’t know where I should go from here.
I posted a few photos from the wedding via instagram and 30+ mutual friends of ours “liked” each one and I even tagged her in one… yet she didn’t allow it on her timeline and hasn’t interacted with me at all…
I get it, she’s passive agressive but I am a great communicator and a firm believer that life is too short to not resolve conflict quickly and her lack of communication/behavior upsets me sooo much its not even funny!
Now I see her post cool things she makes or get a new puppy and all kinds of things that I’m so happy for her about but I find myself resisting the urge to comment and/or “like” her stuff because I:
a) don’t want to feel like a fool being nice when she hates me
b) don’t want her to feel like I’m pestering her
c) think its a little strange that we haven’t spoken about why we’re not speaking!
I am genuinely happy for her and I miss her in my life…
I just don’t know how to go about all this with a passive aggressive person like her who “needs time” to process when she’s hurt or what not…
I don’t see us never being friends again…
I’m just confused on how to deal with this!
She’s a very sweet girl and I love her a lot but she’s awkward about emotional stuff and passive aggressive. We have never fought like this but I have seen her fight like this with R and she seems to take like 6-9 months to process something before she misses someone enough to allow them back in her life.
But I can’t imagine waiting that long!
It kills me everytime I see something or do something that I wish I could txt or call her about but can’t… and I feel like the longer we go without talking the further apart we drift and our lives get increasingly different.
I want to make the effort, i’m just scared she won’t want me to yet.
Yet, I’m also scared she won’t want to repair our friendship because she has R.
The other kicker is – we’re both invited to a wedding in Portland this May. So if they have the money to go, I am positive I’ll see her at this small wedding of our mutual friend but I don’t want to wait that long and have it be awkward.
Does anyone have any advice dealing with passive aggressive characters?
Any advice in general about repairing friendships?
She is obviously hurt or angry and I feel the need to apologize but then I get upset all over again thinking she is super selfish for not being lovingly supportive throughout my engagment and wedding like I was to her!
Sheesh… I can’t believe someone actually read this much…
I hope I can get some sound advice from y’all cuz I don’t know how much longer I can let this go on before I just drive to her house, knock on her door and demand a chat.