(Closed) Passive-aggressive mother?!

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Don’t get me started on my mommy issues! I would just have a conversation with her and say, “If you are going to be in my family’s lives then we need a, b, and c from you. Lay down the ground rules and tell her if she can’t follow them, then it’s on her and not you. Otherwise she will just continue to do what she does best 

Post # 3
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Oh hunny I feel ya. My mom is very passive aggressive. She has always been this way when she feels like she isn’t in control or something in her life is going to change. I am 27 and have been dealing with the majority of this since I graduated from college when she saw that my life wouldn’t be as stable with college, classes, and work as it used to be.

We used to get into verbal arguments over the phone a lot. At this point I was trying to get her to understand my POV and stand up for myself. That totally didn’t work. She just wanted to keep arguing with me to the point where we were both arguing about things that we were so passionate about we would get no where but even more pissed at each other.

That’s when I stopped arguing with her. She would call and go on a tangent about something and I would just reply to her with “k” or “hmmm” or pure silence. Basically I just let her vent and would give her no opinion/advice/input as to how I would resolve the situation. She started to realize that I was DONE with this stupid passive aggressive back-and-forth crap.

Our relationship isn’t perfect by any means yet. We still have our moments when we both feel differently about things but now she has learned that I am an adult and I’m going to do whatever I damn well please whether she likes it or not.

It has taken me about 4 or 5 years to learn how to handle her so just keep that in mind. It might be a long road ahead of “training” your mom to step back but it will get better. Don’t let her get under your skin and continue to seek happiness for yourself, husband, and baby each and every day.

Post # 4
Member
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

loveinfinitely:  My mom has a need to control things, but I have had a major breakthrough with her in the last few years. It has taken time though. We are very close, but she is happiest When I take her advice and gets frustrated and used to give me the silent treatment while complaining to my siblings when I didn’t follow her edicts. 

After I got tired of it, I sat her down and explained that she had done a phenomenal job of raising me, but that her job was done. I explained that I can talk to her like a friend, but that I refuse to be controlled and that when she went into that place I would be distancing myself until we could regain the balance in our relationship. And then I followed through. We’re still not perfect, but SO much better! When she gets too controlling, I cut our conversation short or like 

TriPaC87:  said, I refuse to comment. My best advice to you is to ignore the silent treatment. I have learned to appreciate the silence actually AND like I would a pouting child, I ignore it, so if my mom is all silent and I want to talk about something with her, I call her and don’t even acknowledge that she was ever mad. If I don’t want/need to talk, I don’t. She typically gets over it more quickly and it’s saved us from becoming distant while maintaining boundaries. 

Post # 6
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m going through this this my mom too right now. Every time I think we’re making progress and I’m setting down the rules she then steps up the passive aggression and the negativity/judgement/guilt tripping. Either that or excusing herself with, ‘I know this is a really bad time for you because you’re so stressed, but….’. 

 

I think it’s about finding a way that you’re comfortable with in dealing with the silence. I used to let it ride out but that was annoying me, so now I change the subject to one I’m okay talking with her about. Another thing I’m finding hard to do, but quite useful, is just noticing when she is overstepping the mark or being controlling sooner than I would have before. It still hurts when she’s like this and I don’t know why she is, but it helps me step back from it, though it sounds like you’re doing a great job at that already ๐Ÿ™‚ 

For me and my mom, talking about it doesn’t seem to have lasting results and she slowly breaks down the boundaries I put in our relationship. But I’m hoping that over time, I’ll get better at noticing when she is becoming more controlling so that I can consistently make sure that she’s not over stepping. 

 

Like you said, you have a husband and a baby on the way, your priorities are different. Maybe she’s jealous of that? And maybe you’re pulling away from her and finding your voice and your strength. She won’t like that because it takes away the hold it sounds like she has had over you. But you’re doing great and if you keep at it and be kind to yourself, then I’m sure you’ll find a balance with her that you can cope with ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

She’s away and hasnt checked in. Thats not the silent treatment, thats just normal. Or she had a stroke. Do you feel you should check in with her, make sure she is okay? Or will you pay for doing that? Have you had therapy yourself?  

Post # 9
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

loveinfinitely:  my mom has been in therapy and she’s gotten worse not better! 

I really feel for you this isn’t a nice or easy thing to go through, especially when your priority should be on your baby, family and yourself. 

If you feel it’ll help to clear the air for your trip then absolutely do hash it out with your mom. I don’t know if it’ll work though based on my experience, so it might be an idea to not be too emotionally invested. 

It definitely is a form of abuse and it’s so subtle that it might not seem like it all the time and I think that’s when it’s most dangerous. 

Are you sure you want to go on this trip with her? You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. It sounds like space and radio silence might be the best thing for both of you. 

I don’t have hope now that things with my mom will get better, so I just need to find a level of communication that I’m comfortable with and unfortunately having to stay on my guard because she can hurt me so easily. We can control ourselves but not our mothers! 

Stay strong, you sound in a good place to negotiate with support from your husband. Good luck! 

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