Post # 1
I’m a new poster but longtime lurker. I’m not sure if I am posting this in the correct spot, but here goes:
My SO have been together for almost 3 years. We’ve had our ups and downs but for the most part are happy. My guy generally does not hold back when he doesn’t like something – whether it’s what I’m wearing or the type of perfume I choose – and will tell me what he doesn’t like and why. This bothers me at times, but at others I appreciate his honesty. Fortunately, he never does it in an inconsiderate manner. So here’s my issue today – I have dark hair with red undertones (dyed). My SO prefers brunettes and has never much liked blonde hair. Yesterday he sends me an image of a woman from a magazine with the following message: “Hi baby. This is probably my favorite hair color. Not sure what you would call it, but just to let you know. You don’t need to change anything.”
Um… first of all, he’s never discussed my hair color with me other than the fact that he likes dark hair in general and has only dated girls with dark hair. This picture was of a woman with dirty blonde hair (close to caramel color, I suppose). I wasn’t sure how to take this at first. For starters, the hair color is so against his “type”. Second, he’s never had much to say about my hair so this seemed a bit out of the blue to me. I text him back if he wanted me to color my hair to match the model’s in the picture and if this was his way of telling me such. He replied, in a nutshell, that I should do what I like – whatever makes me feel sexy and attractive – and that he’s never dated anyone close to that hair color (I think, well yeah because you’ve constantly said you do not find lighter hair attractive) but that it won’t change his opinion of my beauty. For some reason this whole thing has rubbed me the wrong way. I feel it is passive aggressive. I messaged him that he’s always proclaimed he only likes dark hair so this preference as his favorite hair color caught me off guard. (This was all done in text message as I was at work at the time.) I then said I could change it but it would take a while and it would be expensive as it would require lots of color correction to get to that shade, which ironically, is close to my natural hair color. His final message was this: “Okay fine BittyBird, don’t do it if it’s expensive. But wash the red out. I hate red.”
I dropped it after that. Just not sure how to feel about this whole thing. One, it’s such a non-issue (hair color) but I feel it has deeper implications beyond that. Like… what is he really attracted to? I don’t know.
Post # 3
@BittyBird112: Oh, boy. Sometimes men can be just so …. infuriating is a good word, lol. Thoughtless and insensitive are a couple more!
Here’s what I’d do in response – send him a magazine image of a really buff, gorgeous guy (like Ryan Gosling) with six-pack abs and say the same words back to him that he said to you, “This is my ideal, honey. No need to go worrying about it or try to change or anything, but just wanted you to know my ideal man-fantasy.”
And I would absolutely not change one thing about my hair. In fact, I’d probably head straight to the salon and have more red added in, lol. 😉
Post # 4
@BittyBird112: What? I, like you, am super confused by this. I have to agree with @Sunfire and say I would totally go all red haha. I don’t understand why he would text you and share his “favorite color” that he hasn’t liked before, but then he tells you that he hates the red…?
Men can be so stupid.
Post # 5
Yeah this is bizarre behavior. Why does he have such strong feelings about your hair color that he wants you to change it? It sounds like you haven’t asked “what hair color would you prefer me to have?” so there is no reason for him to chime in with it.
I agree with Sunfire, send him a picture of someone that is your ideal and ask him to try to look more like them. You should dye your hair blue if it makes you happy.
Post # 6
This has got to be one of the top ten weirdest text message arguments I’ve ever heard…for one thing, in my experience here’s what men notice about hair: 1. Is it on her head? 2. Is it anywhere else? Done….but I’m willing to accept the idea that there’s a man out there with some very definite and specific hair requirements, like yours….but changing what you like for his satisfaction is stupid and THAT is why they invented wigs honey…
If it were me, I would go buy a wig JUST like Miss Slutty Britches in the picture he sent, show up unannounced in nothing but a pair of heels, a trench coat and said wig…let him get that caramel haired hussy out of his system and go back to being your fabulous dusky haired self
Post # 7
Have you even tried to ask him why he sent it or what he wants out of that exchange? It actually sounds like he isn’t a passive aggressive person. So just be direct with him, and let him know how it made you feel.
Not communicating with him about it, reading into it, and asking strangers to interpret his actions is way more passive aggressive.
Post # 8
Thanks for the replies! It helps to know that I wasn’t the only one who thought the text message was strange. Honestly, it made me wonder if there is a woman he knows (maybe from work) who has that hair color and now he finds that attractive because he finds her attractive. I mean, it’s so bizarre that I can’t seem to fathom his reasoning for sending me that image in the first place. After years of him saying on a rather regular occassion how he does not like light hair, this is just a “Whaaaat?” moment. And it’s not like he has just mentioned the hair color issue in passing – he’s said numerous times that he’d never date a blonde, that there’s only been a small handful of women with light hair he’s found attractive, etc. It’s almost like someone constantly commenting on how they hate German made cars and then all of a sudden saying “that Mercedes is my favorite car, by the way”. Just so strange.
Post # 9
@BittyBird112: I would avoid acting like a child and being passive aggressive in return. I would however continue to do and be what you think is beautiful, don’t dye your hair just because he saw a pretty girl and has decided to turn you into her.
If he hates red but loves you, he’ll get over it. I don’t know him so obviously take this with a grain of salt but he sounds judgey. I would be wary of letting him dictate who you are or how you present yourself to the world.
Post # 10
@Sunfire: +1. THIS is what I would consider doing
But really…I would just talk to him about it if it’s bothering you.
Post # 11
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
@BittyBird112: This would actually really upset me.. Maybe I’d be overreacting, but it might even make me rethink…everything. I’ve never been with someone so outspoken about his preferences though, so I guess it’s just not something I’m used to. I did, however, date a guy when I was 18 (I’m 30 now) who one day felt the need to point out all of my physical flaws in a “joking” manner. Sadly, I can still remember his exact words, and am still self-conscious about the things he pointed out.
Post # 12
@frugalfiance It does bother me. Quite a bit. Guess that’s why I’ve been thinking about it for almost 24 hours now. I keep going back to the text message and just feel perplexed and conflicted every time I do. Mainly because I fear/think it has more to do something other than hair color. It is difficult being with someone who is so verbal about what they like/don’t like, but I’ve become rather accustomed to it. This one, however, really eats at me. I think it if were a picture of a dark haired model it wouldn’t bother me as much simply because it wouldn’t be so contradictory to what he has expressed as his preference time and time again over the years we’ve been together. The fact that this model looks so unlike anything he’s claimed to like before causes me to question 1) his motivations in sending me this image and 2) his attraction to me. He tells me how beautiful he thinks I am regularly, but now I can’t help but put a footnote on his compliments that reads *but you’d be even more beautiful with this caramel hair color*.
Post # 13
@BittyBird112: Maybe it’s just his weird, roundabout way of saying he likes your natural hair color. I agree that it’s a weird text, but it’s probably him just feeling awkward bringing it up. I’d say just talk to him, maybe he wants to be included in your beauty regimen.
Post # 14
That would rub me the wrong way too. It’s mostly the way he did it. It doesn’t annoy me when my Darling Husband points out things he likes when we sees them, like “I like that kind of hair style” or “That sort of dress is really cute” and such, but it’s done in passing and not so… direct? If my husband just sent me a picture being like “Hey this is my favorite hair colour, By The Way, but no pressure”, I would be kind of put off.
I would just ask him about him and let him know how it made you feel. Maybe it’s just a miscommunication.
Post # 15
I think HE thinks he’s being sly and smart. Men are dunderheads. You said that the picture he sent you was close to your natural color, correct? Perhaps he misses your natural haircolor and this was his way of telling you.
It was dumb, but there you go, men are stupid. I don’t he ment any harm. If you tell him he hurt your feelings, I’m sure he’ll say that wasn’t his intention. ::hug::
Post # 16
Thank you for the perspective that perhaps it’s his way of hinting that he likes my natural hair color. I wish that were the case, but I doubt it. He is generally so incredibly direct and blunt that if he did prefer my natural hair color, he’d simply say so. He indicated that he’d never really seen the color of this model’s hair before and to say he’s never dated anyone with that hair color is a side note that is so completely offbase in my book. I wish it were just that he likes my natural color, but again if that were the situation I know he’d say flatout “I like your natural hair color. Maybe try that again next time you get your hair done.”