(Closed) Passwords and Cellphones

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 46
839 posts
Busy bee

I think sexting falls into the cheating gray area. I know FH and I would both see it that way, and I would demand transparency if I found him doing that. I got upset over porn once, a few years ago, and after promising he’d only look at it when we’re apart (business trips, trips home, etc), he lets me look whenever I want at any of his devices.

We both have iPhones with passwords, but it’s the same password. I originally had a different passcode, but FH asked me to change it to the one he uses. He does not mind if I look at his phone or computer, and will often have me respond to texts when he’s driving or look things up on his devices.

Post # 47
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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writersteph:  “It’s usually the people that are so intent on their privacy that have things they are hiding.”  THIS!  

I understand boundaries and privacy, but to not even tell you WHO he is texting when you are right next to him sounds weird to me.  I agree with previous posters who are validating your feelings.  He’s given you reasons to be suspicious and then refuses to discuss it with you.

Post # 48
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, I think your question/issue goes much deeper than passwords on phones. My question to you is this: When you’re together and he gets a text, smiles, responds, and then goes back to what you guys were doing together – do you ever ask who he’s talking to? Does he openly tell you?

If not, why not?

My fiance has a password on his phone and I do not. I know his password, and we both openly and freely use each other’s phones all the time. We have no secrets, and trust each other implicitly. 

I don’t mean this to sound harsh OP, but I would leave a man like this. :/ You don’t (can’t, shouldn’t) trust him, and he’s done nothing to earn your trust. Frankly, he sounds scummy – titty Tuesday, really?! I would be extremely offended if I found out my fiance was sending that kind of stuff around with his friends.

I think you guys need to seek some counseling about this issue, and you need to decide whether you can live with a man who isn’t trustworthy. 

Lastly, like a PP said, please dont’ compare yourself to someone with trust issues. You RIGHTFULLY don’t trust someone who has PROVED himself to be UNTRUSTWORTHY. That’s not “trust issues” – that’s common sense. 

Post # 49
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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forgottenme:  we both have them just to protect out phone in general. We both know each other’s. Same for email- accounts- etc…

not a “give me your password so I can go through your crap” type situation. It’s more like, my phone is dead… Let me use yours type deal… Or can u pay this from my account etc… so we know. 

Post # 50
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Our Church

I have a password( he knows it) but he doesnt have one. Idk why he doesnt. But it is his phone.

Post # 51
296 posts
Helper bee

We both have passwords on our phones, but that is mostly just so it’s a little harder for someone else to pick them up and try to go through them if for some reason the phones are out of our sight (it’s just peace of mind).  We both know each other’s passwords and for us, it’s basically whoever’s phone is closest at that time is the one we will use.  We don’t hide anything from each other and I wouldn’t find it weird to see DH playing on my phone at 3am because he couldn’t sleep.  We use each other’s phones like they are our own and don’t think twice about using it without asking.  It may be weird for others, but it’s what works for us.

Post # 52
2189 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

We have passwords but they are not to prevent the other person getting in – they are to stop others getting in. I know his code and he knows mine.

I don’t think having a code is a problem. It’s common sense. 

Post # 53
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

Why do women marry guys who cheated on them when they first started dating and expect their marriage to be any different? If you check his phone every so often and there is always ” something” on there what made you continue to be with him. If I were you I wouldn’t trust him and if he wanted to stay married to me he would be attending therapy with me and there would be no lock on his phone. I would also request that I be able to look at his phone if I please if he didn’t agree I probably would be weighing my options. Most people who cheat will not offer up their phone.

My ex always had a lock on his phone and one day he left it unlocked and I looked though it. We had some other issues so there were already problems with trust. I found a conversation with his friend where his friend asked when he moved if I was coming with ( we lived together at the time so that seemed like a weird question). He responded that ” why would I take her there you know that’s where I get my side action”

Relationship over!

My Fiance has a lock on his phone for work but I know the password if I wanted to use it. I have 100% trust in him so I feel no need to snoop. I didn’t like the person I had become with ex I had never been a snooper before and have not snooped since. I feel like if you need to snoop there are major issues going. I didn’t want a relationship where I have to be a personal dectective.

Post # 54
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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forgottenme:  We both have passwords on our phones- mainly because we don’t want snoopers like our family, ppl at work, or strangers if it’s lost to see all our pics & account info. We know each others because we get the phones together and have been using the same passcodes for everything for years now (I know his bank account & e-mail passwords too but only because he calls when he is out of net service to get me to check them for him). Occassionally one needs to get a # or pic out of the others phone as well. We’ve never thought anything of it- if either of us were to change our password it wouldn’t matter in the least whether they give it to the other person or not. We also don’t go snooping around each others phones when the other isn’t around and have never had a reason to suspect anything funny… 

Post # 55
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

We both have passwords as well, I dont want random people going through my phone if I leave it somewhere! Lol – but we both know each others passwords. No secrets here 🙂 A relationship is built on trust, I couldnt handle someone being secretive about their phone.

Post # 56
3146 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

we both have passwords but know each others pass codes. Main reason is a curious toddler 🙂 

Post # 57
8067 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

We both put passwords (pattern swipes) on our phones because now the toddler can’t unlock them as easily (though she somehow always seems to access the emergency dialer so maybe I should figure something else out ).  He did tell me the pattern but I already forgot.  He would tell me again if I asked though.  We never had them before though for whatever reason.

Post # 58
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

We both have passwords on our phones. I know his, and he knows mine. A lot the of time if we want to look at something online we just grab whichever phone is closest. And we mostly use his phone in the car because he has unlimited data and I do not. 

Post # 59
1640 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

We both have passwords on our phones. They are the same password though (he liked mine so he stole it!) My thumbprint also unlocks his phone and his thumbprint unlocks mine! No privacy from each other when it comes to our phones. Neither of us just goes through the other’s phone, but we both take pictures, send texts for each other, and play games on each other’s phones. He also does all the app updating on my phone because if he didn’t, nothing would ever be updated haha!

Post # 60
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I totally disagree witht he idea that it’s ever ok to snoop in someone else’s stuff. Not because you don’t want to be “that” girl, but because I might be married, but I am still my own person, with a right to privacy. My friends text or msg me things that are none of my husband’s business. I msg my family things that for whatever reason I can’t discuss with him. It is not his right simply because we’re married to go through my things, nor is it mine to do so to him.

OP, in your case he has broken your trust. More than once. The problem is not his phone, the problem is that you have never healed or actually forgiven and moved on from what happened 3 years ago, so you’r eliving in a constant state of fear and paranoia. He doesn’t seem to have done what it takes to help you to move on. And maybe you never can. But if that’s the case, then honestly I would leave. Who wants to spend their life looking over their shoulder and snooping through their partner’s things? Who wants to live with someone who’s doing that? You need to either move on from what happened, and actually let it go, or you need to leave. Anything else is just wasting your time.

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