(Closed) Past abuse creeping up and causing issues in current relationship, anyone else?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@mixtapehearts:  I have some of the same problems. My biggest issue is being held down, especially by my wrists. Even if it’s just goofing around wrestling or sex I have to feel like I could get up and leave if I wanted to. If I feel trapped I will cry in about 3 seconds. I get so scared so fast. Fiance only did it once, accidentally. We were messing around on the bed, I was trapping him in my legs, he got out, got on top of me and held my wrists. I panicked, cried, he felt like shit. It was supposed to be fun, but I really don’t have any control over it. In those 3 seconds I go right back to the day this guy was about to rape me, holding down my wrists and I tried so hard to get free. I just didn’t have the strength to get away. It freaks me out. Luckily I screamed bloody murder and he got off me, but I still remember that fear like it’s happening right now. It happened over 20 years ago.

I also had an abusive relationship for 8 years and I know it causes issues to come up. Fiance is such a nice, gentle man, but still, when he gets a little too stern in the way he talks to me I get very defensive and overreact sometimes. I am also overly sensitive to a lack of acts of love and a little insecure. I don’t really think Fiance will leave me, he never calls me names, he really cares about me, but there’s always that little voice in the back of my head that my ex put there saying “No one will ever love you, you’re a piece of shit, fat cow, bad mother, etc…” over and over. I try really hard to remember that Fiance is nothing like my ex. But sometimes the little voice gets the best of me.

The good thing is that now I’ve been with Fiance for over 2 years and it’s been 3 years since I finally got my ex to move out and quit stalking me (and he’s also married now, which really helped him leave me alone) and as time passes I can tell I have a little better of a hold on my sanity each day. I am hopeful that someday (sooner than later) I will be able to completely let go of all the bad feelings and insecurities and get back to feeling like my whole self again.

Post # 18
8573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m sorry this happened to you!

I know exactly how you feel, I was in a past abusive relationship [my first ex], and totally understand how it can affect you, years later. When my fi & I got together, he always loved touching my neck and I would get flashbacks everytime he would, as my abuser used to choke me, many times until I passed out. Also if my fi raised his hand quickly, I would also scrunch down and cover my head/face. After explaining to him about my past relationship, my fi totally understood and really tries not to make me uncomfortable in anyway.

I’m sure you’ve discussed it with him, but maybe he doesn’t quite understand the severity of it? I also agree with bringing him to a few sessions to get a real idea of what you went through, sometimes light being shown from a different perspective can really hit home.

Post # 20
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@mixtapehearts:  big heaping non-confining hugs and prayers going out to you.  

I cannot imgaine what you are going through, at all, but I think you have received some good advice here that may help you in the future.


And honestly, someone dumping ice on me during a shower would piss me off to no end.  Practical joke or not, I think its a bit mean.  My shower time is my total relax time, and if it got shot to h*ll like that, I would not be in a good head space for quite a while.  

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