- 9 years ago
I’ve been lurking for a couple of months but have never posted. However, I’m really feeling like a need a little advice. Sorry for how long the post is.
My SO and I actually met as roommates. I lived with a female roommate in a three bedroom and we were looking for a third roommate. We were going off Craigslist, and i really wanted a female roommate for safety purposes. She insisted on a male roommate, and since she was the lease holder, there wasn’t much I could do about it. I did retain veto power however. Anyway, we interviewed a bunch of people before my SO who were ok. After SO interviewed, I turned to my roommate and said “I want him.” I kinda picked him out like a puppy! 🙂
I had just moved to the area, and didn’t know very many people. SO and I ended up becoming my best friend. When we met, I was even in a long distance relationship with someone else, although I was trying to end it. (I had been trying to end it prior to meeting my SO, roommate at the time). SO and I remained friends and roommates for about half a year, mainly due to the fact that it is insanely stupid to date your roommate just in case things don’t work out.
Prior to dating him and while we were friends, I made a bunch of statements about how I never wanted to get married, which was true at the time, and how I was going to be a crazy cat lady. I’d never dated anyone who I wanted to marry, and all my close friends were women. The only reason I continue to stay in relationships with guys I liked, but didn’t love, was because regular sex was nice. 🙂 Additionally, I made statements saying I would never wait 5 years for a guy to propose. All of this was said to him as a friend, and he disclosed a lot about his past relationships to me too. All of his previous girlfriends really pressured him for marriage early on in the relationship (often within a couple months of starting dating.) He was never sure that they were in love with him or marriage. I think one of things that attracted him to me was my total disinterest in the subject of marriage.
After we started dating, SO and I moved very fast. We lived together and it was like our relationship was on hyper speed because of it. We said I love you wihtin two months, and talked about the possiblity of getting married within 4 months. He was the one who had to initiate all of these conversations. I’d never said I love you to anyone or wanted to marry anyone so everything felt quite scary. Around 10 months into the relationship, we decided to move out together and into our own place as we were having problems with the 3rd roommate. (He had initially wanted to move out earlier, but I said no because the relationship was too new.)
We’ve discussed marriage in the past and both agreed that we were in no particular rush although we expected to get married to eachother.
Fast forward to now. We have beenI’m 27 and my SO is 29. We will have been dating and living together for 2 years. Recently, I’ve been really wanting the SO to propose to me. I started feeling that I wanted more of a commitment from him.
My feelings have gotten even stronger since Hurricane Sandy. We lived in a beach town in NY, and our apartment completely flooded with sewage and seawater. Almost everything we owned was ruined and we were homeless. The thing was, we worked amazingly together. Everyone told us this would test our relationship, but it didn’t. It actually brought us closer together. We actually managed to crack jokes and laugh as we cleaned up our sewage soaked apartment, salavaged what we could, and looked for a new place to live in NYC. Emotionally, it was difficult time, but us being together made it ok. We knew when to give eachother space, comfort or just to be funny. If I had been alone, I don’t know what I would have done.
Since the storm at the end of Oct. I’ve felt even more strongly that I want to get engaged and committed to him. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but I would like to know it is on his mind too.
The problem is, I know its not on his mind. He’s a procrastinator and will wait until the last minute to do everything. He’s happy with the status quo. It is easy, we are happy. I know that while he wants to get engaged to me ‘someday’, I very much doubt that he has any plans to do it this year or the next. Sometimes he jokes that he will propose 1 day before the five year mark, (the arbitrary timeline I set for relationships and told him when we were just friends.) At one point this really annoyed/pissed me off, and I told him if he tried to do that I would say no.
I also think me telling him that I want to get at least engaged is going to be a massive shock to the system, and I suspect it won’t be taken well. He’s just so used to me not wanting to jump the gun. Why did my past-self suck so hard, think marriage was something she would never want and express that sentiment to the SO? 😛 i DO think after the initial shock, he will probably be kinda excited about the idea. But I think saying I’m intereted in getting engaged will make him feel a little scared. Additionally, a lot of other girls in his past demanded marriage and it didn’t go over so well with him. He felt like they wanted marriage more than him. A lot of my friends have been getting married recently, and i’m not sure if he might think this triggered my sudden desire for marriage.
I just don’t know how to bring it up. I don’t want to give him a timeline, I just want him to know how I’m feeling and see if he’s ready or will be soon. How would you do it? Or would you do it at all? I’m also concerned that I will come across as demanding or issuing ultimatums. I’ve tried indirect hinting, but he is a douf and really hasn’t picked up on it. I’d say the topic of ‘when we get married’ comes up pretty often, and its about 50/50 who mentions it, but we say nothing more concrete than that.
Additionally, I know he’s not saving up for a ring. We had a very frank discussion of our finances after the storm and I know ther is no money saved up for a rng. Financially, we are actually ok even after the storm, so money is not the issue.
How did other people bring this up?