(Closed) Pastor lied to us

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 30
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh and you don’t want to go to church becasue of the way you’re living?  You do know that God can see you even when you are not in church…lol   So, he already knows, it’s no secret.  And probably 99% of the brides on here are living with some sort of sin, should they stop going to church??

Post # 31
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee

@bride21:You have to understand that you and your Fiance are the ones that broke the agreement. The two of you stopped being members of the church. He did not lie to you. The pastor thought that your membership would continue and he made the comment about the church being free because of that. He is not a psychic, he had no idea that you were going to disassociate yourself with the church and still want the benefits of a member. That makes no sense. Sorry.

Post # 32
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Amaryllis:  You are right, the pastor probably does have the more correct version of how this scenario played out….I was just stating that based solely on what she wrote, there was no contingencies (according to what she wrote)  So if it happened exactly how she states, then I think she should be  a little irked.  I dont think the pastor lied to her, I think he planned on doing it for free and later changed his mind, for whatever reason. 

Post # 33
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Just go the JOP route. That’s it. You are not attending church and it’s unlikely you will do so in the future. Maybe a few Sundays but I don’t see this turning into a regular thing. You are set in your ways. Don’t irritate the matter more. Just do a courthouse wedding and be done with it. You can throw a big wedding party later and wear your dress etc., on a year’s annivesary. Then start saving up for that and hopefully your Fiance will also have a job and be able to contribute to that. Right now, just do JOP so you have that paper in your hands that says you are married. If you can wait it out, then just wait till next year when you can afford the wedding that you want.

Post # 34
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You’d be hard up to find somebody to marry you for free. If you’re truly that hard up for $350, perhaps you’d be better off selling the used wedding stuff you bought on Craigslist and going to the courthouse. $350 shouln’t be a make it or break it amount.

Post # 35
Member
3974 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

We’re all sinners and all sin is equal in the eyes of God. Everyone at church is a sinner, so you would not be hypocritical for going. I digress though…

I doubt you’ll be able to find someone else to marry you for free, especially on such short notice. Could this have been some sort of miscommunication? I think you have every right to be upset… I don’t have much advice to give you, though besides try to scrape up $350.

Post # 36
Member
3060 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

$350 is totally a steal for what you are getting.  We paid a $200 donation to our officiant, a $200 donation to our organist, $750 for the church, and $625 for the reception site.  BUT, I totally get that you aren’t upset about the price, I would be irked too if I found out more charges a month before my wedding.

And if you attending church was what you needed to get this awesome deal, why didn’t you just go?  I lived with my DH well before we were married, or engaged, and we still went to church.  I know God wasn’t thrilled with our pre-marital sex, but he would have been less thrilled if I had done it and not gone to church, LOL. 

Maybe you can meet with him and see if you can work out a payment plan?  At this point, no way you are going to find a better deal than $350.  I went to college in your town for a year, and that place is expensive, LOL.

Post # 37
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I know you feel like everyone isn’t really seeing your point on this one, so I’m going to start off by saying that I’m sorry that the Pastor has changed his mind. I’m sorry that you now have this unexpected expense that is crucial for your wedding and you are in this stressful position.

What I find the most interesting isn’t your attendance record at the church itself, but rather why you didn’t keep in continuous contact with the Pastor anyways. That way once he had any questions or issues to provide you with the church and services for free (like he said) he would have been able to talk to you immediately about it, instead of having you hear it through the grape-vine.

I really don’t think you are expecting any special treatment, in terms of your financial situation, but are just frustrated that you didn’t receive notice right away.

Like pretty much everyone has suggest before, go see him right away & find out the real deal, cause your best bet so far is staying with that church for the ceremony.

Post # 38
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

Everyone seems to be making up a part of the story to support their view! PEOPLE – NOWHERE DOES IT SAY THAT SHE AGREED TO OR THE PASTOR TOLD HER THAT SHE MUST ATTEND CHURCH FOR HIM TO MARRY HER FOR FREE!  You can’t all just assume that he said that!  The OP said he said he would marry them for free because they have an extremely long relationship with this man and he has married the entire family.  Being a man of God, which would hopefully make him compassionate, he told them specifically that:

1. He had already expected to marry them

2. He knew that they don’t go to that church, but OFFERED them the church and connecting building for free BECAUSE he’s known the Fiance all his life.

So that in no way sounds as though he expected anything from them and instead was helping a couple of a family that he has known for decades that were in a difficult financial position.  Taking that information, for the pastor to ‘change his mind’ or turn this compassionate act into a business transaction is unfair and the OP has every right to be upset.  If you don’t add things that you think, hope or assume may have happened, and just read the post, it’s strange and cruel for the pastor to do this now.

Also, please to the people saying that $350 is cheap, there are many in our country that would need to save for some time.  If you so strongly need to say anything, say ‘well, $350 is cheap for me’ although it has nothing to do with the OP or her story.  And to say that someone who didn’t think they would need to budget for something and is in a financial hardship doesn’t deserve a wedding celebration is pretty awful.  Way to hate on the lower income, people.  I don’t think the OP was asking any of us to comment on her ability or whether she ‘should’ get a wedding.  Off soapbox now. Thanks

Post # 39
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

Also, I think the OP does need to contact him right away.  To not only change the fee he is charging at the last minute but to not even contact the couple to tell them that seems mean spirited.  So maybe it IS the Future Sister-In-Law embellishing things.  You should find out for sure.

And I LOVE the suggestion of another poster to go ahead and see if you could barter something for it, like cleaning, painting or repairs or something.  That’s a great idea.

Post # 40
Member
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Almost everyone has to pay to use their ceremony venue. $350 is cheap – just an officiant usually costs that much or more, let alone the ceremony venue. I think you should go ahead and pay and have the ceremony there. I don’t think it will be cheaper to go somewhere else, and it will cause a massive headache for you and your guests!

Post # 41
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

@luckyprincess: <— what she said. Especially this part: And to say that someone who didn’t think they would need to budget for something and is in a financial hardship doesn’t deserve a wedding celebration is pretty awful.

Post # 42
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I came back because I am hoping bride21 will update after she actually talks to the pastor — I would like to see this happily resolved for all parties.

But seriously, @luckyprincess:, you’re lambasting us all based on one side of a story, and our comments about expecting church attendance are based on many, many, many peoples’ experiences with many, many, many churches. It is not unreasonable to think that the pastor expected church attendance. And sure, I can completely see how the shock of this news would upset bride21, but it does not mean that she is completely blameless in this fiasco.

But the main thing I wanted to comment on is that no one said she doesn’t “deserve” a wedding. Comments like yours breed exactly what I was referencing in my post, which I assume is one of those to which you are referring. No one, of any income, “deserves” a wedding. They are just parties. An industry designed to want your money has marketed itself to be indispensable, but it’s not. So now the people who can pay, do, and the people who can’t pay are left wanting or in debt for it all based on the false premise that these things are required or justified by their inherent specialness. They’re not. Also, even those in financial hardships can have a wedding celebration if they adjust their expectations. I’ll say it again — go to the JoP and out to dinner. It can still be a celebration, but it doesn’t have to cost $$$$. No one is hating on those in financial hardships. Most of us are paying our own ways, and it’s not easy. We know this. So we scale back. Sometimes situations are such that one should scale back even further. I think that when some people see “wedding” they put on blinders to reality because magazines and the media tell them that this is what a wedding should be for it to count or be special enough.

Well, I’ve been on my soapbox long enough, but suffice to say that I think everyone should have a happy wedding day and enjoy it within their means.

Post # 44
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Amaryllis: I agree with what you’ve said.

The fact that she’s listing reasons why they aren’t able/don’t want to go to church makes me think that, whether it was said or not, it was an expectation by all parties.

I know that our pastor is doing our ceremony for free because we know him well. But if  our wedding was set for a year from now and we stopped all contact with him and his church for the next 11 months I wouldn’t expect to call him up and say “Hey, what time will you be there next week?” You can’t break all ties and expect the same treatment, pastor or not.

 

And to quote from the original poster: “What bothers me is that he told us he would do it for free and then changed months later just because we didn’t start going to church regularly. For all he knows we could be going to a different church except my Future Sister-In-Law probably told him that we just don’t want to go (which isn’t the case).”

So the pastor did give their attendance as the reasoning.

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