Post # 45
“But seriously, @luckyprincess:, you’re lambasting us all based on one side of a story, and our comments about expecting church attendance are based on many, many, many peoples’ experiences with many, many, many churches. It is not unreasonable to think that the pastor expected church attendance. And sure, I can completely see how the shock of this news would upset bride21, but it does not mean that she is completely blameless in this fiasco.”
I didn’t mean to lambaste, sorry. What I’m saying is that the comments about what the pastor expected of them and saying that she didn’t uphold her part of the contract are crazy. She has explained clearly that he didn’t give her a stipulation of ‘ok, come to church regularly and we’ll let you use these building for free’. Even if that’s what everyone assumes is the case because of their experience, it’s unfair and just wrong to think that this applies to this situation. The OP clearly said many times that he told them it would be no cost BECAUSE he has known FI’s family for his whole life and expected to do it anyway (he expected to do it and told them there was no charge and she has mentioned they’ve never gone there together, so he couldn’t have assumed they would now) and was doing it for that very reason alone. So even though other people think that because the pastor that has known their family for decades would never marry them for free if they didn’t attend church, clearly that isn’t the case with the OP. So to adamantly assume that their is fault to assign to the OP is wrong, if we’re to take posts as written.
Plus, the pastor didn’t even bother to let them know that he has since ‘changed his mind’ and will be charging them. That coupled with the fact that he is going to charge them for something that he didn’t stipulate to them in the beginning is wrong. I don’t see how it could be anything else and I feel badly for her.
On your other point, I agree completely that the industry makes people think they ‘need’ a wedding party. However, my point was more to the fact that people are acting like she doesn’t at all deserve to have one because she is in a financial hardship. That’s a really awful conclusion. If she was thinking for months that she was going to be able to have the wedding that she wants because the pastor was good enough to help family that he’s known and had a relationship with for years and now can’t it’s pretty icky to keep hearing ‘you can’t even pay your rent!’ ‘just go to the courthouse’. Just thought it was pretty judgemental – and I dont remember whose posts it were because my memory sucks 🙂
Post # 46
There’s a lot of speculation going on about the true nature of your agreement with the pastor. None of these opinions are going to help or hurt your situation though, the only person whose opinion matters is that of your pastor.
It seems unlikely to me that the pastor would have this change of heart out of malice. The only solution will be to show up in church on Sunday and talk to the pastor. It was probably all a big misunderstanding, and I’m sure he’d be willing to hear you out.
Post # 47
@kala_way: Good one!! So there WAS that condition.
Post # 48
Hi! I think if you re-read it he only gave that as reasoning after he changed his mind so there wasn’t that requirement. In the first post, she states that he said he would do it for free because he has a relationship with FI’s family even though he knew they didn’t attend. I hope she comes back after talking to him so we know what happened.
Post # 49
We have yet to talk to him after this because our son again has to go to the ER because he isn’t able to keep any food down so maybe what the told me to do will work this time.
Anyway, we are planning on talking to him on Sunday and if he still says he will charge us we are going to try to find a different place cheaper. My Future Mother-In-Law said her pastor might let us use his church free of charge because of how close to the family he is. I have noticed that some of you are saying we haven’t gone there in 7 months but I never once mentioned the last time we went and only mentioned 7 months when I stated that was the age of my baby. We arranged everything with him in September and went to church a few times in October and then again around Thanksgiving and Christmas but that’s when our son got sick and he still hasn’t gotten better. He never once said that we had to start going to church because he was doing the wedding but we thought it would be nice to go occasionally but since we aren’t going every week I guess he got irritated and decided to charge us money even though he didn’t say he wanted us to start going.
To those mentioning that since we don’t have money for rent we should just go to the JOP and get it done, well, my Fiance has his heart set on a real wedding. I have mentioned many times that we could go to the courthouse and I would be just as happy but he won’t listen. He wants it perfect. We haven’t been taking our rent money to buy stuff for the wedding or anything. We are just taking every spare dollar each month to get a few cheap items here and there and have been doing this for months so we have all but the tuxes and cake paid for and that will be a last minute purchace. Everything I have gotten has been cheap. My dress was 1/6th of the original price, our decorations were half off, my MOHs dress was $10, etc. Even the cake is practically free! There are a lot of people I know that are willing to help us have a nice wedding cheap but we weren’t plannig on having to pay for the church.
What I said about our reasoning for not going to church before is just our view on the matter. We feel that it is hypocritical to go to church when you are living in sin and not planning on changing but that doesn’t mean everyone feels that way. I didn’t say that everyone living in sin should stop attending, far from it. My dad’s 4th wife was a hypocritical christian. She would go to church to get people to think she lived one way but then would cuss and do whatever she wanted to when away from the people of the church because she didn’t want to change. I don’t like people doing that. It gives christians a bad name. I feel that going to church and then going home to sleep with my Fiance is doing the same basic thing and it’s not right. When we are married and right in the eyes of God and the people of the church we will start going back regularly. Until then we just want to be able to visit on occasion without being looked down upon. Every time we step foot in there we are bombarded by people asking when the wedding is and if we are going to baptise our son. This started even before we decided to get married!
Post # 50
@bride21: Why do you need to wait until you see the pastor at church? Why can’t you pick up the phone and talk to him about the situation? I feel that you’re getting second hand information, and you shouldn’t be assuming something b/c of hearsay. You know what they say about people who assume…
Pick up the phone and call his pastor. Communication is key when dealing with any situation. Letting him know how much trouble you’ve been having with your son and how concerned you are may make him have a change of heart. But you can’t bad mouth him about how awful he is until you actually TALK to him about it.
Post # 51
@2PeasinaPod: We don’t have a way to contact him until church because we have limited minutes on our phone and I used most of them calling the doctors about our son. This can wait until Sunday but my son might need something important that the minutes can be used for first. That’s why we haven’t called him.
Post # 52
@bride21: I’m usually a no-nonsense advice kind of person, but I think people are being waaayyy to harsh to you right now. I think you will be able to work this out with your pastor when you speak to him on Sunday. I get it, you aren’t upset that he is charging, you are upset that he is telling you this NOW. I’m sure he is a reasonable man and you will be able to work something out on Sunday. This just sounds like a misunderstanding that can be worked out. I hope your son is doing much better soon!
To the people saying $350 is a steal, Yes for you, that may be true. For most church weddings that would be a great deal. Before we all jump to conclusions about the OP saying things like “just go ahead and pay it” or “forget the wedding and go to the courthouse” please remember that everyone deserves to have a special day whether that be a courthouse wedding or an intimate church wedding. $350 is chump change to some, but for some it can take months to save up that much. The OP has a sick baby that she is trying to pay medical expenses for. It’s a month before her wedding, and she is freaking out, not only as a mother, but because now she is worried that she won’t be able to have the wedding she has been hoping for all these months. So let’s embody what this community is all about and show some support and compassion ok?
Post # 53
@bride21: totally understand. I think though before you jump to conclusions and write him off, give him a chance to explain. If for some reason, something comes up on Sunday, try to get an email address for him or do something to try to at least get in contact with him. When you’re face to face or talking to him on the phone, I’m sure his reaction won’t be as strong…especially once you explain the situation you’re in.
Post # 54
I’m stressed from reading this! I’m so glad I’m getting married outside.
Post # 55
I’m on the same page! I hope that @bride21:
your baby gets better soon, and you have a wonderful wedding day and a long and happy marriage. 🙂
Post # 56
@bride21: Sorry about your son being so sick, I know that is a stress all it’s own. I will send good thoughts his way!
Post # 57
@bride21: I hope your son starts feeling better soon.
Post # 59
I agree with a lot of posters.. A lot of churches ask for a fee or donation to be married there, I don’t think $350 is out of line at all. Considering all the invites are sent I would just do what you can to come up with the money, even if you have to borrow it from someone.. Good luck!