(Closed) Pastor never asked, should we tell him we live together?

posted 7 years ago in Christian
  • poll: Should we tell the pastor we live together even though he/the church didn't ask?
    Yes, tell him! : (6 votes)
    17 %
    Nope, he doesn't need to know! : (28 votes)
    78 %
    Other, see below : (2 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    3601 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 1992

    Personally, I think it’s only a big deal if you make it into a big deal.

    Post # 4
    1501 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @helenberrycrunch: agreed!

    If they didn’t perform a ceremony because of this then they would have asked you. I wouldn’t worry about it.

    Post # 5
    6998 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    i was never asked either – and i got married in a catholic church and living together is usually a big no no but they didnt ask at all and i didnt offer up the information.


    Post # 6
    2465 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    if they don’t ask, they don’t want to know.

    Post # 7
    3866 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @MissKatelyn: This is when “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” applies.  If they don’t ask, you don’t tell!!!

    Seriously, it’s not a big deal.  MANY people live together before marriage for a plethora of reasons.  

    What he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him. 😉

    Post # 8
    916 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I don’t think it’s a big deal, but if he doesn’t ask you then I wouldn’t tell him as long as it doesn’t effect anything else.

    Post # 9
    13096 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    If he really wanted to know for some reason or was going to care, he’d have asked.

    There is no need to volunteer information that they obviously don’t care about.

    Post # 10
    1209 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    It depends on what you’re comfortable with 🙂 I think he probably would’ve asked if it were necessary for them to know… I know our pastor asked (even though he already knew?, but I guess he had to formally ask us), and since we do live together he won’t be officiating our ceremony, but he will be attending the wedding. Bummer, but oh well… we found a non-denominational officiant instead.  

    Post # 11
    843 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I wouldn’t say anything.  If he doesn’t ask, the church didn’t ask, and there’s no material saying they wont perform a marriage if you live together…then don’t tell.  No reason to bring it up if they didn’t.

    The church I attend where I live specifically says on their website they will not perform marriages for people who live together first.  They will provide pre-marital counseling, but will not perform those marriages.

    My pastor who will be performing the ceremony (from my church in Texas) has never asked about our living situation and I haven’t offered up the information either.  If it mattered, he would ask.

    Post # 12
    767 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    We did the research and knew that our religion (Anglican) didn’t really seem to mind on the issue.  When the question came up in the meeting, we hesitated but ultimately we told the truth (I mean, lying to the Reverand…yikes!) and knew that the truth was the better option.

    Our Reverand told us, “our church would be irresponsible to ignore the reality of couples today and besides, I prefer to marry people who have lived together because they know what they are getting themselves into.”  I loved that response.

    Is “not telling” the same as lying?

    Post # 13
    2821 posts
    Sugar bee

    Sometimes I think they avoid the issue because they don’t care but technically the church can be finicky about it.  Our priest had us both list our parents addresses instead of our own.  I never asked him why but I had a suspicion it was because he personally didn’t care (he knew we lived together) but maybe the church would care, I donno if that was why though.

    Post # 15
    1126 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I think it would be super crappy of them to cancel on you, and it’s probably not an issue since he didn’t ask.  However, I think you should tell the pastor, because do you really want to stand up on your wedding day worried about the fact that you’re keeping something huge from the person who’s blessing your marriage?  I would just mention it for peace of mind.

    Post # 16
    2116 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I think its worse to be a liar than someone that lives with their fiance. If he outright asks, I wouldn’t lie- I wouldn’t offer the information up though.

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