(Closed) Pastor was offensive, mean, and mocking in counseling session-what to do?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I am so sorry that preacher treated you that way. Shame on him. What would Jesus do, indeed?

I don’t think this is the right person to marry you. I know it stinks to be in a small town and not have a lot of options, but is there another church? Maybe in a neighboring town?

Post # 4
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Why don’t you just have a friend or relation get ordained through Universal Life Church?

ETA: I’m ordained and have done several weddings, if you’re in or near Oklahoma 😀

Post # 5
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I would not have a religious ceremony if neither one of you are practicing the faith. And I definately would not get married by this guy. I would find an ordained minister and get married in a neutral space.

Post # 6
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow, I actively attend church and I am utterly appaled that this happened to you.  I would ditch this guy.  Either find a nonreligious person to marry you or try someone else.  It is most certainly not worth putting up with his crap.  Not all religious leaders are such jerks.  🙁  Sorry that happened to you.

Post # 7
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@caitlinrider:  I, personally, would not feel comfortable having this person perform my wedding ceremony, something I want to be very personal and he clearly does not agree with your personal beliefs.  I would fear that he would opening do this during the ceremony or throw a jab in that would be cruel/mean/arguementative.  I think your mom will love you no matter what and you should find someone else to do it.  You can try a Justice of the Peace too, some states have lists of JPs on their websites.

Post # 8
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Like @KCKnd2 said, I don’t think he should officate the wedding. You can tell your mom that you don’t feel comfortable with the meeting and that the pastor didn’t seem to be a good fit. 

Also, like @EffieTrinket said, maybe a ceremony outside of the church would be right for you. You could have a friend officate or find an experienced on online. You can tailor the ceremony to include as much or as little relgion as you want. 

Good luck, no one should ever judge anyone else on their beliefs – and I’m sorry you had such a bad experience! 

Post # 9
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m so sorry, that must’ve been horrible! I agree, I would kindly (if you’re feeling like the bigger person) explain to him that you’ve found someone else to perform your wedding. I know you’re in a small town, but a lot of officiants are willing to travel, so I wouldn’t rule out finding someone. If that doesn’t work, I would definitely have a friend get ordained. There’s no way someone who was that mean should be marrying you!

Post # 10
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think everyone had good suggestions. Remember that this is your wedding day. You need to find an officiant who treats you with respect and contributes to your great memories of that day. No one should be allowed to belittle someone the way that preacher did to you. I just don’t understand that. What a horrible person.

I am not religious either, so I sympathize with what seems like a difficult situation in small town where you have more limited options. I absolutely agree with others who suggested finding an officiant who can travel. One option is to see if there is a Unitarian Universalist congregation somewhat near you. They are technically a religious group, but happily accept atheists, agnostics, and gays and lesbians. It is a really open minded faith (obviously, haha.) Basically, they have no creed or dogma. They love different points of view. It is the perfect congregation for couples who come from different religious backgrounds. I sometimes attend their services, and I have always enjoyed it.

Keep us updated! Best of luck.

Post # 11
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I live in tiny town also and had this happen to me with the Catholic Church here (and I’m catholic!!), so I just said forget it and we’re getting married at the Christian church and I LOVE the pastor there. We actually attend church there now. My Mom is not happy but it’s our wedding. So girl, do what makes you happy. Don’t let someone who makes you uncomfotable marry you…And start looking pronto, your only 2 months out!!

 

PS we’re date twins!! Good luck!!

Post # 12
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

He shouldn’t have hounded you like that, but I guess I don’t get why two non-relgious people would want to get married in some random church by some random preacher? I say, forget him, find a JOP or have a friend/family memember ordianed and have someone who means something to you marry you! 

Post # 13
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Who cares why these two want to get married in a church?

OP: I would absolutely not allow him to marry you. 

Post # 14
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Run, run, run, run! You don’t want to start your married life with someone like this presiding. Get a justice of the peace, get a friend ordained online, find a nice Unitarian Universalist…just do not stick with such an abusive person.

Ministry: U R DOIN IT RONG.

Post # 15
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow, that guy just sounds like a huge jerk. I would definitely find someone else – anyone else.

That is not the normal way for a pastor to act in a counseling session. I dealt with a very good Catholic priest who was totally non-judgemental. 

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