(Closed) Pastor wont marry us (long)

posted 4 years ago in Christian
Post # 2
1894 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Don’t let it stress you out. I think it was actually a really good thing. 

IMO a real church wouldnt judge their members, but rather fully accept them- “faults” and all. This isn’t the kind of church I would want to belong to, or be married in. 

Post # 4
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

I am so sorry that this happened.   My home church did the same thing to a friend of mine.  I didn’t even bother to ask.  Our chaplain will be free.  He is a military chaplain.  Do you by chance have any military ties?  There is also an online site that allows anyone to become ordained.   Is It possible a friend could marry you?

Post # 5
232 posts
Helper bee

That’s so bizarre. I’m Catholic and even they’re not that strict.  It must’ve definitely been that specific church community. If it’s last minute and they’re not already booked, an officiant may lower their fee especially if it’s not peak season? Best of luck to you!

Post # 6
5226 posts
Bee Keeper

LeonardLady:  This isn’t going to be a popular opinion, but I don’t think they are wrong for standing by their convictions. It sounds like a VERY conservative church, and that you knew that going in. If they viewed you living under the same roof as living in sin regardless of whether you two have a sexual relationship, then it doesn’t surprise me that they would withold membership until you were either married or seperate(strange, because Mary lived with Joseph platonically before they were married. That was part of the “betrothal” period). Being unequally yoked is something that even more moderate churches frown on. If this church is very conservative, it also doesn’t surprise me that they would take it as far as not being willing to marry you. I think the comment about not taking marriage seriously was totally unnecessary though. You don’t have to be a Christian to understand and value the institution of marriage.

When all is said and done, I think this is for the best. You don’t seem to be as conservative as this church seems to be. You are probably better off finding one that will be a better fit. Good luck on your search! Hopefully you will find a place that your Fiance will enjoy going to.

Post # 8
5226 posts
Bee Keeper

LeonardLady:  Yeah, they can’t predict the future, and it was an uncalled for comment. 

Post # 10
1313 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

LeonardLady: Wow. That is awful. Look for a different church. Can you imagine (even for a second) Jesus saying “no, you can’t belong and worship my father here because your living arrangements are making some other people feel uncomfortable”? That’s the message they’re giving by not letting you be a member.

Don’t feel bad. You feel judged because they judged you. It wasn’t their place to judge you. Stuff’em, their loss.

They also can’t predict the future of your relationship, unless they have some special magic powers…but if that’s the case there’s a whole different issue. 

Post # 11
1984 posts
Buzzing bee


LeonardLady:  I do think their comment about your marriage ending in divorce was uncalled for. But I think they were right to stand by their convictions.

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  MrsWoods47.
Post # 12
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

What will you do if he decides he doesn’t want to follow your religion and doesn’t believe in it? It seems very important to you that he does and you seemn very sure he will.

I hope that isn’t offensive at all as I am not religious 

Post # 13
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry to hear that the pastors were insensitive in their delivery. Some of the comments were indeed uncalled for. I don’t think you weren’t taking marriage seriously at all!

However, they brought up something else that is important. My only thought is, you have got to make sure that your Fiance is approaching religion because HE is curious for his own sake. My only fear is that if he explores it for your sake, it will feel like he is doing it for you, for life. And that won’t do you or him any good.

I say this because I am a a believer and at one point dated someone who tried to convert for me and we almost got engaged. I received similar push back from pastors, other believers, and I also didn’t take it well at the time, but now looking back, I know they were being consistent with their beliefs and were speaking out of love. Ultimately that guy and I broke up and I am now happily married to a great Christian guy. 

I hope everything works out for you and that you will also find a church that can be much more loving to you! I recommend looking for non-denominational churches. 

Post # 14
3712 posts
Sugar bee

Walk away from that church and don’t look back.  You deserve better.  Bet my bottom dollar they have no proven ability to predict which marriage will/will not last. Join a church that is loving, inclusive and supportive.  Let your Fiance develp his own beliefs in his own good time.  Mutual tolerance is a great foundation for marraige.

Post # 15
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

That sucks. I hope you can find someone. Would it be an option to have a friend or family member get ordained online (free) and hold a religious ceremony for you?

I do wonder if you’ve had an extensive series of talkswith your Fiance about how you both will handle any possible outcome of his spiritual exploration. As PP said, you seem very confident that he will become religious, rather than accepting that there are a wide range of possibilities for how his beliefs or lack thereof will develop. I know I wouldnt want to marry someone who was assuming that I would start to develop a certain amount of religious belief and basically required it (as head of the family / example to the children / etc). So in that way, I think the pastor and his wife have a valid point. 

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