- 6 years ago
I’m new here, but I’ve been lurking for a couple of days! It’s such a relief to read posts by people who have such similar feelings, as well as by those of you who have made it through this weird waiting period. Apologies for the length– I was figuring out some of my feelings as I wrote!
I’ve really been having a hard time with this “waiting” for the past year or so, and this fact alone has really been bothering me, too. I’m not a demanding person, but I consider myself to be feminist and independent, and I’ve never been afraid to ask for what I want in a relationship (in fact, my current boyfriend and I started officially dating because I said that it was a “real relationship” or I was leaving).
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3.5 years (living together for almost 2). We’re ridiculously compatible. He’s my best friend, my favorite part of the day, and I am so looking forward to making a family with him someday. Over the past year, we’ve had an evolving (and emotional) discussion about marriage: starting with him completely unable to discuss it (the future seemed to just be this big, vague, scary blob to him; I felt like that meant he wasn’t excited to be with me, and that he should know how he feels about me after almost 3 years of dating), and ending with him, in December, saying that he “wants to get married” and that he “has a plan.”
This was so out of left field. I’m the planner in our relationship. He’s Mr. Go-with-the-flow. I resisted my control-freak urges and decided to let him have his “plan.”
We spent Christmas apart, reunited for New Year’s, and I got my hopes up that a proposal was coming. When it didn’t, I was fine. I ended up going ring “browsing” with a couple of friends that month because I realized I didn’t even know what kind of ring I would want. I told him about it (and about the crazy expensive, beautiful, art-deco style ring I tried on for fun at Tiffany!), and asked him if we should talk about how to pay for the ring (split the cost?), and if we should go shopping to pick one out. He said that he thought he’d pay for it, and that no he didn’t want help. I pressed it a little more (doesn’t he want to know what I like??), and he said that he had actually already looked at some art-deco style rings online.
This got me super excited. More evidence of a real plan!
Valentine’s Day came and went. I had a wonderful time, but that gnawing was there again. It’s just this fear that his intentions are there now, but the action might not be. I realize how ridiculous I’m being. He says he’s in! I’ve realized that I have no idea what that timeline is, though, and I feel like I’ll sound like a brat if I ask for one now.
I’m also annoyed at myself for caring. I feel envy toward my other friends who are getting engaged, and I hate myself for that too. My bf and I are both on the same page now, it shouldn’t matter when we’re officially engaged and married, right? But then again, I don’t even know if his “plan” is for this week, this year, or in 5 years. I hate just “waiting” and feeling powerless, like some damsel waiting around for a man. But I also want to give him the space to have fun with it (if he is actually planning something). How do I reconcile my need for control and a plan with the whole “let him surprise me” thing?