(Closed) Patient Girlfriend vs Powerless Damsel

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
3384 posts
Sugar bee

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camcambee:  If you’ve been dating for 3.5 years and are planning a future together, you shouldn’t be worried about being a “brat” for asking for a timeline.  It is just as much your life, as it is his.  That being said, that doesn’t mean he will give you one.  However, I think asking for a rough timeline is a good compromise, i.e. will it be within the next year?  That way it will give you peace of mind, but still allow him the element of surprise.

Post # 3
Member
2256 posts
Buzzing bee

That would’ve been my question– what’s your timeline? Men can have very different ideas of when a good time is. He can give you some info without giving it away. If your birthday is in April, he could say “by the 4th of July”. I think it’s unfair for you to have him to start getting your hopes up though if he’s talking about looking at rings etc, but he’s more than a year off his timeline. 

Post # 4
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

I totally empathise – I am a avowed Feminist, indepedent AND can be a total control freak, and waiting is driving me a bit barmy. It feels so dumb, doesn’t it – waiting around for a guy (like a empty-headed) damsel.

I would just ask him to give you a general timeline, eg: ‘in six months’ ‘by Xmas’. Its not ruining the surprise and I think it’s perfectly reasonable, and it’ll give you a little peace.  If you feel like you can’t talk about it without getting a bit emotional, write down all your feelings that you included in your post and give him a letter. This approach worked really well for me – I got no V-Day proposal, but my bf said that he was waiting for ‘something’ to be delivered.

Good luck and good waiting!

Post # 5
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

Maybe an empowering story? I was SO nervous to talk to my boyfriend about this, just because back when we were only dating 6 months (and I was still 19) his mom asked us about when we were getting married and he FLIPPED at her… so obviously I had bad memories and anxiety to bring it up again.

So ended up bring it up at 3 years, and he was really receptive! We talked really lightly about it, but it oped up the rest of everything. So now a few months later we’re just naturally talking about our future and houses/retirement and even set up timelines on paper of what goals we want to accomplish before doing some things. It makes me feel a lot better to be figuring things out at the same time and in the loop. I think you would be the same. Maybe phrase it more as, what would be want accomplished before he asks? And then ask him if he has a time goal to achieve that by. That way you can help motivate him to complete that task, instead of feeling like you’re “nagging”. Good luck 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m probably going to catch heck on here for this but I’m a feminist and I would wait til June to even discuss timelines. Ordinarily I am all for those mutual planning discussions; however he just told you he is on board for marriage two months ago – in December. I would wait six months and if he doesn’t bring it up, then I would ask for a timeline in the manner that other Bees suggested.

Why do I feel this way? Well for starters, he got kind of uppity with you about the ring buying so I think he needs a little more time. Also if he has been a go with the flow man, it’s time he steps up and plans the proposal himself so he feels good about himself as a man plus it gives him a chance to woo you. Go with the flow guys make great husbands but when he tells you in so many words to let him handle the proposal, that means he not only needs a chance to get used to the idea of marriage but HE seems to feel a manly need to step up and not go with the flow, but to be a more traditional guy in this part of your relationship.

He wants to marry you so get your mind off that for awhile and enjoy where you’re at now.

Post # 8
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

I wish I had something useful to contribute because I feel like I wrote this post myself! We have extremely similar views/relationship dynamics.

My SO and I decided that we wanted a marriage together in September on our anniversary after I brought up taking the next step. It was then that he told me he would give me my timeline in January. In January he tells me “by March 31st.” Turns out he was going to propose on Valentine’s Day but a cancelled flight prevented that from happening. I told him that I still wanted him to make it a surprise/romantic but I also told him that he needed to do it SOON because I will give it to you straight:

Waiting is HORRIBLE. I never thought it would be and I thought people complaining about it was ridiculous. Logically speaking, sure, you know it’s going to happen (so why worry?) and you know you’re going to say yes no matter what but it is still VERY emotionally draining. It’s just a pain in the ass!

I’m probably a little more on edge because it was supposed to have happened for me already (and we had some serious ring drama!) but I am just telling you the honest truth. It’s tough!! You should definitely set up a timeline, but even then you kind of have to grin and bear it.

Post # 11
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

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littlechickie:  +1

OP, I’m just going to be blunt, to me it sounds like you’re getting greedy. Chill. There is progress. He made his point, he has a plan, he doesn’t want help, I really don’t think he wants to be pushed or a timeline at this point. I’m sure he knows you’re impatient, but he’s essentially told you he’s “got it.” Give him a chance. I think six months is a good amount like littlechickie mentioned. Then if things still aren’t moving, it makes sense you may wanna ask for a timeframe. 

Post # 12
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the huge problem with waiting is that we otherwise have pretty equal partnerships with our guys these days- we split costs of things, we have our own careers, we don’t hesitate to voice opinions and ordinarily adjectives like strong smart capable etc are things our SOs admire in us. So we’re used to acting and being treated like equals. Then all of a sudden tradition expects us to revert back to stereotypical gender roles from past generations where the man is the protector, the provider, the decider of proposals & the little woman is supposed to sweetly wait in breathless anticipation for her knight in shining armour to pop the question. It’s just so counterintuitive to everything else in our lives & our personalities that waiting feels weird, like we’re suddenly in a dependent role with someone else deciding our future according to some unknown timeline of his own. And it can be so frustrating and confusing and -ugh!!!!

From my own experience (I’ve been with SO 3.5 years too but we don’t live together) not knowing what he’s planning or why he’s dragging his ass for so long lol is a big source of the insecurity & questioning that starts creeping in when we feel we’ve been more than patient and waited long enough- so having a ‘timeline talk’ can definitely make a lot of the negative feelings diminish. As a few other PP have mentioned, giving you a rough date ie ‘by summer’ won’t spoil any surprise he’s actually planning. And it will set your mind at ease.

As for anticipation at every event- that’s so hard. I joined the SIUP on here for support from some Bees in similar situation. But let me tell you what worked for me- my SO gave me a timeline of ‘by spring/summer’ and I said ‘I’m good with knowing ‘sometime in 2015’…..and that has taken a lot of anxiety away BUT it’s also made me stop expecting it quite so soon- so for Valentine’s Day I had the mindset “Yes he does want to marry me but the proposal won’t be quite yet” – so I truly wasn’t focused on a possible proposal & I was so glad because my SO was really sweet & went to a lot of trouble to make it nice for me (surprising actually, because he’s a sweet guy in general, but Valentine’s Day is usually pretty low key for us) and if I’d been teary eyed disappointed that there was no proposal I would have hurt this good man’s feelings when he’d gone to so much effort to make things nice. And because I honestly wasn’t expecting a proposal, I truly did enjoy everything he did for what it was without any sadness or expectation.

 

Post # 13
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

As a woman married for 31 years I would like to pass on my hard earned experiences and hope that it helps some waiting bees.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting and asking for a timeline that works for BOTH of you. You are entitled to have life goals and to be with someone who shares similar values and goals. There is no point in sitting around wishing and hoping and worrying. You are a couple and should be able to discuss how each of you envision your future life together. If you don’t share similar goals that is OK – now you have the information you need to make decisions about your future. Maybe you are OK with waiting or not getting married at all. Maybe you’re not. But at least you can make an informed decision as to whether this is the relationship for you.

In my group of five or six close friends, three women waited eight to ten years for a proposal that didn’t come. In two of my friends’ cases the guy broke it off, moved out and literally three to seven months later met, became engaged and eventually married to someone else. The third friend broke it off with her guy and he then married one of his co-workers within the year (the co-worker was pregnant with his kid.) 

As a modern woman you are within your rights to say this is how I see my future, these are the things I find important, these are the goals I want to meet and this is the timeline that works for me.

I love my FDIL because she did just that with my son. He wanted to buy a house and move in with her and she said “put a ring on it and we’ll talk.” They were engaged and purchasing their first home within the year. It’s good to know what you want and value yourself enough to get it – when they have kids I know that she will imbue them with self-love and the confidence required to reach their goals.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Profile Photo Mrs.Bill. Reason: spelling
Post # 14
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

If you are the planner of the relationship, why would it surprise him that you wanted to know about a timeline? When it comes to marriage and family, you should go with the flow of your relationship. We can tell you to wait or not wait or be a hard ass, but ultimately, it will only work in the way that you both function in this relationship.

It’s a new, somewhat hard topic to broach, the whole marriage thing, but really…if you guys can come to an agreement on the timing it bodes well for your long term partnetship. Sounds like your relationship is solid. I can’t imagine that talking about your worries would jeapordize that.

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