(Closed) Pausing A Long Distance Relationship

posted 5 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Well, this isn’t a “break”, it’s a break up.  And if you feel like you have to take a pause on the relationship because it’s hard not seeing the other person, this relationship is not NEARLY strong enough for marriage.  So you know you want to be with him long term, but you can’t handle being so far apart…that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  Who is to say that he would want to move to you if you weren’t technically a couple?  Who is to say he would wait for you?  Who is to say he wouldn’t date someone else?  If you aren’t attached as a couple, he owes you nothing.  He does not need to stay loyal to you.  He does not need to stay faithful to you.  He can go out and date other women.  Who is to say he won’t find someone who is a better fit for him when you are on your “break” and he realizes it would be more hassle than its worth to come to you?

I know that’s not what you want to hear, but this makes absolutely no sense.  Suck up the LDR.  I know it sucks, I was in one for over 3 years.  Not being able to handle not seeing the other whenever you want indicates a certain lack of maturity in your relationship.  If this man truly is the one you want to stay with, don’t bother with this “break” bullshit.

Post # 3
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Also, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you will be able to pick right up where you left off, it won’t be nearly that easy.  If you were meant to be together you wouldn’t feel the need to break up just because the relationship is hard.

Post # 4
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee

Yup, totally agree with PP. my fiancé and I live in different countries for most of the year, and the only thing that makes it easier is being able to talk to him via text/phone every night. I don’t buy the idea that you’re actually in love if you can just let the relationship go for a period of time. if your relationship is going to survive marriage, it should be able to handle some distance. 

Post # 5
Member
6905 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I was in a LDR for years (like at least 4).  Before we got started, I know my husband had a moment of thinking we shouldn’t even try.  Once he met me though, our foundations never shook.  It was always hard to say goodbye, but it made hello so much more wonderful.  Planning for visits was fun, getting an email every morning that he wrote before bed made my days start off well, snail mail letters once in awhile to show he cared, and of course planning out our future (incidentally, getting together for real was way harder than our LDR was!  job loss, no regain, moving closer by bits, new work, new house, it was insanity).

I honestly can’t think of a reason to say “this is too hard, we need to break up, then you move here, then we have a relationship”.  Anything that requires a break up is bad enough that I wouldn’t want to get together again.  Can you elaborate on your reasoning, perhaps?  And just how far away are you? an hour?  a state/country? A time zone?  three?  

Post # 6
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Nope. DH and I had been dating for only a month when I moved from California to NYC, and we managed to make it work long distance for ten months before he could move too. There were no arguments or potential breakups.

If you want to break up because your relationship requires too much attention and care, I think you’re making the right decision, but not for the reason you think.

Post # 7
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
MrsPurnellToBe:  Whose idea was this break, bee? And is he currently planning on moving to your city, or is the idea that at some point he will start planning that?

Post # 8
Member
309 posts
Helper bee

Sorry you don’t put a pause on a relationship.  The ‘we were on a break’ doesn’t work.You either make the long distance work or you don’t.  It is hard, but you find a way or you realize the relationship isn’t what you thought it was.  But, you can’t magically stop time and leave off where you were. Life, love doesn’t work like that.

Question, how old are you guys?

Post # 9
Member
5 posts
Newbee

While I hate that my boyfriend and I are LDR I do think it has a certain advantage if you will. While being apart is terrible in some way it allows each of us to work on ourselves individually. Right now we are LDR because my boyfriend is in school. He is working to not only further his education but this future career opportunities as well. I on the other hand am continuting to work at my job and furthering my career by gaining experience in my field.

A good attitude goes a long way in an LDR. Knowing that the distance is only temporary and setting a general timeline of when the distance will end should be addressed. Instead of focusing on “needing a break” why aren’t you two working on planning visits? Even if it is months away and only a few days to a week at a time it is something to look forward to. Communication is key in any relationship but especially vital in an LDR. Are you texting or calling regularly? What about FaceTime or Skype? The latter helps tremendiously IMO, while we aren’t together in person, I love being able to still see him even if it is through video chat.

If you know you’re meant to be together as you say then distance should only be a temporary obstacle. I don’t think it is cause for a break at all. If you two want this relationship then fight for it! Plan some visits, if you have agreed that he is the one moving then get that in motion. At the very least have a general timeline of when he is going to move. Have him start looking for jobs or asking about a job transfer. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  runnerbee103.
Post # 10
Member
6942 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’ve been in LDRs before and yes, they are hard. However, I do not believe in “breaks.” You’re either broken up or together. There’s no inbetween. 

Post # 11
Member
2630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I 100% understand how hard a long distance relationship is.  My husband (BF, then Fiance at the time) and I averaged seeing eachother once every 9 months or so for the first 2 1/2 years…it was HARD.  There were so many times I wanted to call everything off because I thought not being with him would be easier.   I am so glad I didn’t, because the strength and growth we received by sticking it out has been the glue that has held us together when have been faced with even more difficult challenges.  

My advice is, if you two are on the same page and want to be together no matter what, stick it out.  Don’t break up.  If you do, I really don’t think you can pick things up as easily as you think you can.  I feel like it will always be in the back of your mind that when things got too hard, you gave up rather than sticking through the hard times through.  BUT that only works if both of you want it.  If one of you is wanting the break/space now, that I believe that has to be respected.

Post # 12
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Do you have plans to move to be closer to each other?  If you have the plan, why break up?  Who is to say when the time comes, he or you will still be wililng to move?  I would never “take a break” with someone who was meant to be the one.  Why not talk to each other in that time?  

Post # 13
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

This is an unpopular opinion but in LDR you actually make more time for each other, yes you might not see them, cuddle them or wake up next to them but you make time for each other. You call, text, email and make time to communicate every day/week/whatever. When you communicate, you have each other’s undivided attention and if you’re talking every day, then that’s such a great basis for a strong relationship. When you’re no longer LDR (or not to begin with) you can fall into the trap of not giving each other some undivided attention. So taking a “break” when you’re in this stage that can build such a strong foundation for you both is both impractical and quite frankly a waste of a good opportunity for your relationship. Also, if you’re talking marriage that means weathering the hard bits, which hard bits are you willing to weather?

Post # 14
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Im sorry bee, but I don’t see how taking a break because it’s hard bodes well. you guys should be working together to make it work for both of you. that’s what marriage is!

 

Post # 15
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
MrsPurnellToBe:  From experience, a break is a breakup to me and I don’t do breaks.  I was in a long distance relationship before and my boyfriend kept taking “breaks” on me until we finally broke up.  I met my fiance in April last year and we are getting married around the same time.  I see no reason to take a break if I know he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, there is more than enough technology out there to keep you two close.  I think my fiance and I got to know each other better because we consciously devoted time, energy and resources to being close while being physically apart.  It sounds like you’re having doubts about the speed and intensity of the relationship that don’t necessarily have to do with distance.  The distance is enough of a break in a healthy relationship.  My advice would be to assess how much you want to be together, then take the necessary steps to improving your relationship.  Being on the same page is key and communication is very important.

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