Pay when you rsvp?!

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 76
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

I would do a little photoshopping so the RSVP would read: Declines with pleasure.

Being European I even consider a cash bar tacky. You have guests and you pay for them and if you cannot afford that, don’t have guests.

Post # 77
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

MrsCoffeeSnob :  my venue is £24 a person, but I live in a Scottish town, my venue is the local rugby club, not sure about the US but it might be similar? 

Post # 78
Member
3536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

i’m really curious to know what the bride and groom plan is for people who RSVP yes but don’t include the payment…are they going to call everyone and demand the money..?

Post # 79
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

calendula :  100% agree. If you invite people, you should pay. Don’t have to be a millionaire to throw a party where you pay for all of your guests.

Post # 80
Member
12216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

julia1983 :  The difference is huge. On the one hand a guest is moved voluntarily,and out of sentiment to give a wedding gift. On the other there is a crass attitude of entitlement. 

 

Post # 81
Member
4100 posts
Honey bee

catskillsinjune :  “i’m really curious to know what the bride and groom plan is for people who RSVP yes but don’t include the payment…are they going to call everyone and demand the money..?”

Post # 82
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

This is funny. I really wanted to treat my guests to an open bar and food and yesterday even insisted to my fiancé that we put our gifts that were cheues and money in a different account than the one we used for our wedding because I DO NOT want my guests to pay for our wedding in any way. We fed them and gave them booze with our very hard earned cash because we love them!

that being said, I’m almost wondering ( maybe I’m being too nice) if the couple feels uncomfortable with receiving gift beyond what they paid for their guests? I mean they must know that people usually spent about $100 on people’s wedding gifts. So maybe they are just a little socially clueless but actually trying to be nice? Just trying to assume the best! You never know what someone’s intentions are.

Post # 83
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I’d also want to know if they expect gifts on top of that”

Of course they will. How else will they make bank on their wedding? Isn’t that the whole point of getting married?

Post # 84
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee

With all that is expected of hosts these days (just look at these boards and you’ll get a taste) its not suprising to me, honestly. 

Post # 85
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

littlecats :  This is what I assumed as well. Usually people gift $50+ and in this case, the hosts did put instead of gifts. I mean, they easily could’ve made a huge profit and missed out on that (if gaining money was their objective). I don’t think it was as gift grabby as people are making it out to be. It’s just sad no one was around to guide the bride and groom in a better direction. They should’ve posted a thread on the Bee first 😉

I have seen birthday dinners going in this direction. Everyone pays for themselves, including the birthday person. Sometimes guests will pitch in for the birthday person. Is this making its way to weddings now?

There was a time when giving physical gifts was considered rude and now it’s accepted. With all the pressures of having the “perfect” weddings these days, I wouldn’t be surprised if the gift giving aspect is thrown away and people just pay for their meal to celebrate an event. Similar to prom of other events where there’s an entrance fee. I’ve heard in South Korea guests need to give their gift (always money in an envelope) upon entering the hall. Supposedly some people just give empty envelopes.

Post # 86
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“$25 is not much. At weddings I give at least $100.”

True, but the couple shouldn’t asking for (much less requiring) any kind of gift or monetary contribution at all. To me it sounds like they were worried that enough people would give (or buy) nothing or something less than $25 and they wanted to make sure that at least some costs of the wedding were defrayed. Your guests owe you nothing monetary.

Post # 88
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“Maybe its because I’m from the UK and culturally things are a bit different here, but I don’t really see a problem with this. I think the cries of outrage and indignation are a little over the top. What does it matter, after all, if you pay for a meal, give cash, or buy a gift?  You are still spending money on the couple…  I know someone who asked certain guests to pay for their meal and not others which I thought was unfair and insulting to those asked, but I would be more than happy to pay for a cheapish meal instead of buying a gift. I would also far rather give cash so the couple could go and have a good time with it rather than buy a blender that’ll sit in the back of a cupboard forever more. Why are people so offended by this?  Because you expect a free meal? What’s the motivation?….”

To me it’s offensive because it takes a voluntary act of kindness (buying a gift or giving money) and makes it an obligation. You are no longer giving a gift because you care about the couple, but because chicken picata and pasta salad cost $25 and you better pay up, you freeloader. As to whether people expect a free meal, guests don’t ask to come to a wedding. The couple invites them. It’s an honor to have people attend your wedding, and it’s your job to provide for their comfort and enjoyment. They don’t have to come. So, yes, it should be a “free” meal.

Post # 90
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee

MrsCoffeeSnob :  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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