Post # 1
So I am not sure I am being fair about something. Back in 2007, when I was just starting out as a starving grad student, one of my cloest friends got married (destination wedding in the Bahamas with a $250 bridesmaid dress). After a lot of deliberation, I decided to tell her I couldn’t afford the flight, hotel etc in addition to the expenses of being a bridesmaid. She promptly wrote me a check for $1000 and told me it wouldn’t be the same without me and to not worry about it.
After the wedding, I did write her several “pay back” checks amounting to something close to the $1000 but I can’t for the life of me remember if I paid it all back or not. Now it is my turn to get married and, fresh out of grad school, I am not much better financially. She and her husband do well but I am not sure that should even be considered. I am not sure if I should pay for her way in my wedding or just chalk it up to being friends.
Her costs as it stands right now:
$300 hotel during wedding
$100 hair and make-up
She is wearing shoes she already has and the bachelorette is super low key with me traveling to them in Boston and just doing a girls night.
Thoughts? I really appreciate any advice!
Post # 3
Would it be okay if you somehow mentioned it casually or have someone else ask her casually if you paid back the full amount? I think being honest would be better. I do think once you figure that out, it will solve all the rest of your questions. If you aren’t comfortable in asking her, or having someone ask for you, I would say I would pay for her for some things (make-up, hair or nails) not everything (since you said you paid most of the $1000 back).
Post # 4
I think the situation is different. She helped you at a time when you needed help. Now, she does not need help when it is your turn. I think it says a lot about you that you are thinking about this, but I don’t think you should pay for her. She graciously helped you when you needed it. Enough said. You don’t owe her anything, but you sound like a nice friend!
Post # 5
@xxyxx: it’s very sweet of you to want to reciprocate but it is a different situation now. the money she gave you seemed more like a loan than a gift since you paid her back, even if it wasn’t all of it. now that it is your wedding, i wouldn’t bring up money. if she has an issue with affording something, you can offer to pay for something then.
Post # 6
I think you paid her back (for the most part) you don’t need to pay her way. Maybe take her out to lunch or dinner – and tell her that you really appreciate what she did for you back in the day. And now that you are a bride you understand how nice that was, etc?
Post # 7
You two seem to have a great friendship. I’m impressed that she helped you may a large sum so you could be part of her wedding, and that’s great!!!
Money has the power of dividing people, of causing conflict. If you talk about it, it can upset people. If you stay quiet and make a decision, it can cause conflict. Tricky! From my perspective, she helped you out so she could enjoy you at her wedding, at a time when you could not afford it. You’ve paid lots back, maybe all of it. Now that you’re getting married, you shouldn’t pay for her, since she’s financially well off. That’s my take on it!
Good luck figuring it all out!