Paying for dining out

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: Is this a legitimate issue?
    Yes, there is no reason you should be paying for his food : (16 votes)
    21 %
    No biggie, it balances out eventually and is minor : (60 votes)
    79 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    6606 posts
    Bee Keeper

    This does not seem like a big deal to me. I agree with pps that this relationship seems awful. IIRC you have a disability of some sort? That isn’t a reason to stay in a shitty relationship, and 5 months spent single is very minimal in the grand scheme of things. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    245 posts
    Helper bee

    After reviewing your post history about your boyfriend, it seems you are missing the forest for the trees here. Maybe the way you are splitting finances isn’t quite fair, but I don’t think you’d be worked up over something like this 6.5 years into the relationship if you felt secure in the relationship.

    I saw your update that you broke up for five months at one point. Many people break up and then get back together even though they know deep down the relationship is no good. That’s cause getting back together provides a short-term relief to the sharp pain of the breakup. But the long-term pain of being with the wrong person is still there. It might not be as acute as the utter heartbreak you feel after a breakup, but it’s a dull ache that will eat at you and continue to build slowly as you waste years, if not decades of your life with someone who doesn’t value you the way you deserve. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    2510 posts
    Sugar bee

    I agree that you need to reevaluate the relationship in general, and not let the fear of being alone scare you into staying with someone who clearly doesn’t meet your needs. You deserve better. 

    But as to the question: another way to even out a disparity like this would be for you to offer to pay when the meals are less expensive, e.g. you pay for the takeout meal, he pays for a nicer sit down meal. This is sort of what my husband and I did before we combined finances. I was making a lot less so I would pay for things where I could, but often I’d offer to cook dinner for him instead of going out, or volunteer to pay for less expensive lunch dates and then he’d get the next nicer dinner date. It’s a way for it to feel like you’re pulling your weight even when you can’t contribute an equal amount.  

    Also, if you can’t afford to eat out as much as he can, let him know that. In my case, my husband knew he was earning significantly more than me, and so he’d often volunteer to take me out to treat me for things he knew I could not afford. He was accustomed to certain conveniences like regular takeout that I wasn’t, and he was happy to pay for me to be able to share those experiences with him.

    Post # 35
    Member
    32 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2019 - Brooklyn, NY

    mrsssb :  This is such great advice! I have a friend who finds herself in these types of relationships, and this is exactly what I’ve wanted to convey to her but didn’t quite know how to verbalize.

    Post # 36
    Member
    639 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2020

    When my FH were first dating, we’d each pay for own plates rather than splitting the bill. I do this with friends, too, we go Dutch rather than splitting. The exception was if we were at a sit down restaurant and we were sharing appetizers, we’d usually split because it was easier.

    After I moved in with him, we created a SMALL joint account for joint expenses such as food. I contribute to about 40% of the amount that goes into the joint account each month and he pays the 60%. Meaning I put in $40 dollars, he puts in $60. This is becuase he makes more and eats more.

    60k vs 90k is a significant difference. When FH and I were first dating, it did sometimes bother me because I felt that I was subsidizing appetizers that he ordered and I would not have ordered myself. However, he let me do laundry at his place, he’d have me come over for his cooking, so it seemed to even out. We also opened the joint account about a year into the relationship, so it became moot. FH tells me that not everything has to be 50 50, we can and should account for income disparities. He has more debt than I do, but I’m not the one who benefitted from or incurred it, so we just based our joint account contributions off of salary rather than net income.

    If the situation bothers you, you should speak up. However, don’t open a joint account with this guy. From your own post, it sounds like you’re with him because you’re afraid of being alone.

    That’s no good.

    Post # 37
    Member
    6660 posts
    Bee Keeper

    pinkcorsage :  beethree :  If dinner costs teh same amount each time ($90) and you are alternating payment I don’t see the issue. But if this arrangment bothers him tell him something.

    I think you meant this for the OP. I could never be bothered to keep track of who was eating more when I paid vs when he paid, etc., especially after SIX years together. It sounds exhausting to me. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    9828 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Goddamn girl just be single. You have some new “issue” to bitch about every week. Nobody you has time for this nonsense.

     Either leave him or quit your sniveling and whining. 

    Post # 40
    Hostess
    8546 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: Dorset, UK

    slomotion :  But then who would pay for what on dates?!?!

    Post # 41
    Member
    9828 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Yeah good point. She might have to date someone who makes less then her and then have to pay everything! Mrs_Beer :  

    Post # 42
    Hostess
    8546 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: Dorset, UK

    slomotion :  Seems like the most logical conclusion! 

    Post # 43
    Member
    526 posts
    Busy bee

    When SO and I first started dating we used to just take turns paying for meals out. If he was running low I would cover vice versa. There there were times when he had a job and I was living on student loans so he would cover all our outside dates and in appreciation or whatever I would usually cook dinner for us or plan a in house date night. Now I make more money then him but he still pays about 90% we eat out but that’s because I usually end up paying majority of our vacations. So it all evens out in the long run. 

    In your case since you are dating I think it’s only fair that you guys just take turns paying. If that makes you uncomfortable then you can just in house date night ideas, cooks meals, picnics for your turn. Have you discussed this with him? If you are having money problems you could just say o honey I can’t afford to eat out, let’s cook dinner at home and if he really wanted to eat out he could offer to pay for you. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    1635 posts
    Bumble bee

     

    sweetiemermaid :  “What you had” is about 1,000 times different than what is going on here.

    I do commend you for getting out of your marriage, and hope OP ends this relationship as well.

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