Paying for events you don't plan?

posted 1 year ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

You are absolutely not obliged to pay. 

Post # 3
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada

Definitely not obligated to pay for something you were not given a chance to provide any input into. 

Post # 4
Member
47202 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

“There must have been a misunderstanding. I received no communication about planning for the shower, nor was I involved in any of the decision making. I’m sure you all did a lovely job, but it wouldn’t be right for me to try to take any credit for hosting, and therefore won’t be covering any of the costs”.

Post # 5
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

julies1949 :  perfect response! 

It actually could very well be that they sent the email to everyone without thinking about it. 

Post # 6
Member
3536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

notinvolved :  you are under no obligation to pay. That said…depending on the amount involved, i likely would just pay it if it’s not crazy. Oftentimes, the Maid/Matron of Honor has never done this before and is under the impression that planning the bridal shower is part of “bridesmaid” duties. I know I’ve been at the short AND ignorantly long end of that stick. If she’s asking for like $100…I’d just pay it. If it’s like…$500, then I’d have words with her. In the US, there’s a lot of “obligatory” things for bridesmaids to shell out for that aren’t obligatory at all. So while rude, it might be truly accidental/from ignorance. 

Post # 7
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

julies1949 :  perfect response.

I love all of that except the last sentence, I feel like you can leave it off and it’s just implied that the costs shouldn’t fall on her. But yes!!! This.  

Post # 8
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

They shouldn’t have planned without you if they expected you to contribute financially. That said, I wouldn’t make a big deal about it unless the amount they’re expecting you to contribute is more than you can afford. In which case I would say, “I think there was a miscommunication. If I had been consulted about planning the shower, I would have let you know that I can only afford $X. Sorry but this just doesn’t fit my budget.”

Post # 9
Member
13660 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree that you aren’t obligated to pay.  If it’s not a huge amount, I might pay it just to keep the peace though.

Post # 11
Member
11461 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

When you say, “I couldn’t participate in the shower,” does that mean you never received an invitation, or that you were invited but were unable to attend?

I think this is a pertinent piece of information.

I’m not saying what the other bridesmaids did was right, because you should have been able to have input into the decision-making. However, I was once a bridesmaid for a soon-to-be new family member and had been working with the Maid/Matron of Honor, who called me to help plan the shower. I was out of state from the couple and the other bridesmaids and really didn’t know any of them or the Maid/Matron of Honor. Suddenly, one of the other bridesmaids objected to what the Maid/Matron of Honor had started to plan. Long story short, everything changed, I never heard anything more about it, the shower was held on a date I was unable to attend (would have had to travel to another state and could not on the new weekend chosen), and I also later received a “bill” for my share, which I ended up sending a check for anyway, because I felt like I needed to do that.

Post # 12
Member
12208 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

A shower can be planned by any friend or group of friends. It can,of course, involve bridesmaids but is NOT a default or requirement of the role. It is both voluntary and optional. The other bridesmaids were totally out of line here. Unless you agreed to co-host three months ago, you owe them nothing.

Also, if you want to be most traditional, family members do not host showers. 

I’d just tell them that you were quite surprised to be invoiced for a party you did not volunteer to host, and neither planned nor attended. 

Post # 13
Member
12208 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Brielle :  Once plans you made were changed without your approval or participation you were likewise under no obligation whatsoever to pay. 

Post # 14
Member
4161 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I just wanted to share a story I had when I wasn’t able to attend the bachelorette party of one of my best friends because I was pregnant and so sick. It was a weekend away and I just couldn’t bare the thought of trying to suck it up for a weekend, but had my husband drive me out for brunch on the second day instead.  The Maid/Matron of Honor still expected me to help pay for the hotels/meals/taxis and I said I didn’t think that was fair since I wouldn’t be attending. I offered to pay for the bride’s portion but Maid/Matron of Honor declined it so I didn’t think anything more of it.  But her “renvenge” was leaving my name off of a t-shirt she made for the bride to wear during the weekend that had all the other bridesmaids names on it. It was a little awkward when the bride showed me and was like no I swear I saw your name on it! The Maid/Matron of Honor smirked and I was like wow, that’s mature. But if that’s the only negative from not having to pay, then I’m good with that lol.

Post # 15
Member
808 posts
Busy bee

Like other people said, I would pay if it wasn’t a large amount just to avoid drama but I would definitely make it clear that in the future if more events are planned and my financial contribution is wanted then I should be consulted first.

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