Post # 1
I’m part of my future sister-in-laws bridal party. Not Maid/Matron of Honor.
The majority of her party are out of state and a close knit group of friends. I’m kind of the outlier. Early on we were all in a group text to plan things, but nothing has been communicated in there for over 3 months now.
They just recently hosted the bridal shower and today, sent a request for money to pay for the shower. This seems a little rude to me. I was not able to participate in the shower and never received any communication about the plans or the costs of planning the shower until afterwards. It’s feeling a little “you cant sit with us…but you can pay”
Am I being too sensitive? Do I have a responsibility to suck it up and just pay for something I was completely left out of?
I’ve been helping the bride plan the wedding, buy favors, create invitations, websites etc, so it’s not like I don’t WANT to participate… I tried to get things organized early on but nothing ever came of that so this payment thing came out of nowehere a bit…
Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Post # 2
You are absolutely not obliged to pay.
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada
Definitely not obligated to pay for something you were not given a chance to provide any input into.
Post # 4
“There must have been a misunderstanding. I received no communication about planning for the shower, nor was I involved in any of the decision making. I’m sure you all did a lovely job, but it wouldn’t be right for me to try to take any credit for hosting, and therefore won’t be covering any of the costs”.
Post # 5
julies1949 : perfect response!
It actually could very well be that they sent the email to everyone without thinking about it.
Post # 6
notinvolved : you are under no obligation to pay. That said…depending on the amount involved, i likely would just pay it if it’s not crazy. Oftentimes, the Maid/Matron of Honor has never done this before and is under the impression that planning the bridal shower is part of “bridesmaid” duties. I know I’ve been at the short AND ignorantly long end of that stick. If she’s asking for like $100…I’d just pay it. If it’s like…$500, then I’d have words with her. In the US, there’s a lot of “obligatory” things for bridesmaids to shell out for that aren’t obligatory at all. So while rude, it might be truly accidental/from ignorance.
Post # 7
julies1949 : perfect response.
I love all of that except the last sentence, I feel like you can leave it off and it’s just implied that the costs shouldn’t fall on her. But yes!!! This.
Post # 8
They shouldn’t have planned without you if they expected you to contribute financially. That said, I wouldn’t make a big deal about it unless the amount they’re expecting you to contribute is more than you can afford. In which case I would say, “I think there was a miscommunication. If I had been consulted about planning the shower, I would have let you know that I can only afford $X. Sorry but this just doesn’t fit my budget.”
Post # 9
I agree that you aren’t obligated to pay. If it’s not a huge amount, I might pay it just to keep the peace though.
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada
bostonbee2018 : Love the response!
Post # 11
When you say, “I couldn’t participate in the shower,” does that mean you never received an invitation, or that you were invited but were unable to attend?
I think this is a pertinent piece of information.
I’m not saying what the other bridesmaids did was right, because you should have been able to have input into the decision-making. However, I was once a bridesmaid for a soon-to-be new family member and had been working with the Maid/Matron of Honor, who called me to help plan the shower. I was out of state from the couple and the other bridesmaids and really didn’t know any of them or the Maid/Matron of Honor. Suddenly, one of the other bridesmaids objected to what the Maid/Matron of Honor had started to plan. Long story short, everything changed, I never heard anything more about it, the shower was held on a date I was unable to attend (would have had to travel to another state and could not on the new weekend chosen), and I also later received a “bill” for my share, which I ended up sending a check for anyway, because I felt like I needed to do that.
Post # 12
A shower can be planned by any friend or group of friends. It can,of course, involve bridesmaids but is NOT a default or requirement of the role. It is both voluntary and optional. The other bridesmaids were totally out of line here. Unless you agreed to co-host three months ago, you owe them nothing.
Also, if you want to be most traditional, family members do not host showers.
I’d just tell them that you were quite surprised to be invoiced for a party you did not volunteer to host, and neither planned nor attended.
Post # 13
Brielle : Once plans you made were changed without your approval or participation you were likewise under no obligation whatsoever to pay.
Post # 14
I just wanted to share a story I had when I wasn’t able to attend the bachelorette party of one of my best friends because I was pregnant and so sick. It was a weekend away and I just couldn’t bare the thought of trying to suck it up for a weekend, but had my husband drive me out for brunch on the second day instead. The Maid/Matron of Honor still expected me to help pay for the hotels/meals/taxis and I said I didn’t think that was fair since I wouldn’t be attending. I offered to pay for the bride’s portion but Maid/Matron of Honor declined it so I didn’t think anything more of it. But her “renvenge” was leaving my name off of a t-shirt she made for the bride to wear during the weekend that had all the other bridesmaids names on it. It was a little awkward when the bride showed me and was like no I swear I saw your name on it! The Maid/Matron of Honor smirked and I was like wow, that’s mature. But if that’s the only negative from not having to pay, then I’m good with that lol.
Post # 15
Like other people said, I would pay if it wasn’t a large amount just to avoid drama but I would definitely make it clear that in the future if more events are planned and my financial contribution is wanted then I should be consulted first.