Post # 76
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
mrstaylor6882 : Ooookay.
I think your motivation here isn’t as clear as you’d like to claim. They bully and tease you, they’re poor, and you just want to make sure they have a great time? Or, just maybe, you want to parade your happiness and success in front of them and think, “HA! I showed you!”
Whether or not that’s the case, you need to adjust your expectations.
I am having a Destination Wedding. In doing so I had to make some compromises. All things being equal, our guest list would have been about 50-60 people. In my case, having the location I wanted was more important than the attendance of every person I might have otherwise been inclined to invite. I knew some people wouldn’t be able or want to make it. I cut the list to 30 and have a final total of 25
For the people I ABSOLUTELY HAD to have there – my daughter, her boyfriend, my best friend and her husband – I am covering all or most of their travel and lodging expenses. I offered to do this privately on an individual basis because I knew it might be a prohibiting factor otherwise.
Everyone else, I left it to their own discretion whether they wanted to spend the time and money to attend, with no hard feelings about the handful of declines.
You don’t have 30-35 family members who you are so close to you simply can’t have this day without them. So identify the people who you MOST WANT to have there and extend the offer to cover THEIR travel and other expenses if you believe it will make the difference between them attending or not. Accept that not everyone can or will come, and get on with planning the rest of your dream wedding.
Finally, you say that if you just went and had this wedding without everyone, they’d be angry at you. At the same time, that you don’t want to tell them you are already legally married for the same reason. Perhaps you might consider whether you really need to host a bunch of people who are going to be angry when you are doing what is best for you in the long run.
Post # 77
This wedding is more than just about us, it’s a huge farewell to the not so great life I experienced before, which is why I’m obsessed about things being certain ways.
So you’re wanting them all to be there because you just want to show off how much better than them you think you are? This isn’t being nice to them by paying for their travel or accommodations, it’s more like a giant F-you. “See how much money I’m spending on a frivolous party. I’m way richer and better than all of you.”
It’s a terrible idea to go into debt for any of this.
Post # 78
The progression of this thread is really something.
“We are the closest of families and love road trips” to “my family treats me like garbage and this is a big fat f*ck you to them.”
At this point the fact that you are already married is really the least offensive thing happening.
Post # 79
- Wedding: Sandals Barbados
As a bride who is also having a destination wedding here is what we did. I invited about 75 people to our wedding. Knowing that it was in the Caribbean and that most of my family would not be able to make it was a tough decision but we both knew it was what we wanted. We invited everyone but it was up to them to get there and pay for themselves. Does it suck knowing my grandmother and aunts and uncles won’t watch me walk down the aisle? Yes of course I would love for them to be there. However, a destination wedding is what we both wanted and unfortunately that comes with sacrifices. We will be having a reception with all our friends and family when we return in the summer.
If I were you the only way I would ask them to pay for transportation is if you can cover your end out of pocket (which doesn’t seem to be the case). If you ask them all to contribute what they can you risk them saying that they can’t contribute at all and have to foot the whole bill. IMO starting out your new life with your husband in debit doesn’t seem like the best idea. Since you are not willing to give up your date or destination maybe you could do a get together back home with everyone and do a vow renewal or throw a small reception.
Post # 80
“It’s not tasteless to pay for their travel and ask nothing except they pay for their sleeping arrangements.”
Typically, when the wedding is local to the couple or either family, this is true. But in this case, asking people of very limited means to attend a destination fake wedding, and “only” expecting them to have to take off two days from work, pay for extra food, spend days traveling on a bus, and pay for accomodations they wouldn’t have otherwise needed and can’t afford is the very definition of tasteless.
I would cancel all of these plans and have one or more delayed receptions where you or your families live. You don’t have to put on a fake show at everyone else’s expense to leave your past behind. You do that all by yourself and by the life you choose to lead.
Taking out a loans for a weekend you can’t easily afford is beyond misguided and stupid.
Post # 81
This is quite possibly one of the dumbest posts I’ve see on the bee. If this is in fact real…..I honestly just have no words.
Post # 82
When you said you “used to” travel like that, it doesn’t mean people want to do it NOW. Back then most people were probably kids, now they probably HAVE kids. I’d rather poke my eyes out than watch children (including my own) on a 17 hour bus ride
Post # 83
I’m curious how you would be homeless if you didn’t marry early and how you have all this $ to pay for people to come to your DW? Or get a loan for it?
Post # 84
- Wedding: November 2025 - City, State
I’ve just noticed your screenname. But, nah, you don’t consider yourself married.
When dozens of people are telling you something is a bad idea, maybe you should take a step back and reconsider the choice you are making.
Post # 85
I don’t know, Bee. Spending tens of thousands of dolllars to orchestrate a dog and pony show for family who won’t appreciate the performance seems insane.
Post # 86
Soon2BMrsFredericks : And she apparently has a well paying job which her Fiance got for her! But she was going to be homeless.
Obviously she has been living off her finacially well off Fiance and his family. If he went home then that would dry up.
Post # 87
AHave you already told the guests you are paying for their accommodation? When you told them the destination did they say they would be able to attend? The reason I ask is we had a destination wedding and about 10 people who were ‘definite’ and who sound better off financially that some of your family, did not attend. So first off don’t go paying for any travel or accommodation without being certain. Secondly the whole family dynamics and reasoning for the party etc aside, I think you need to downgrade the accommodation costs. I would offer a set amount towards and let people choose their own accommodation. The money saved can be put towards cost of air travel for the people who can’t afford to travel but you really want there. The others sort themselves out. With any luck may those who have been petty, spiteful or whatever decide not to come. This seems a winner all round as your not paying for people who don’t really care and your wedding is less a f-you and more a joyous occaions shared with people who actually matter. I would also rethink keeping it a secret you have done the legal side of things already. You can explain you needed to get some things in order first but this for you is the real wedding. You dont have to go into details. These things have a tendency to come out and given what you have said about your family dynamics so far, if it does sounds like it could be recipe for years of drama and ridicule. Good luck
Post # 88
Can your family members not save up their own money for flights? You say the wedding is November next year but under your screen name it says 2021. Either way that seems to be heaps of time to save up if they were given plenty of notice.
Post # 89
msdeer : If they are of such limited means then a fake wedding is probably the very last thing they have any business scrimping and saving for for years on end.
Post # 90
Well, this thread took an unexpected turn.
I hate Destination Wedding. Hate, hate, hate them. I wouldn’t spend 17 hours on a bus for anyone. And I think you’re grossly underestimating the time because if you hire a bus driver by law they are only allowed to drive so many hours straight at a time. Plus, I live in the Midwest US and it takes a lot longer than 17 hours to get to Orlando; I think you said you were driving from Canada?
Plus if all these family member you “have” to have there are poor, where are they going to come up with $200 (or more) per person? Ain’t gonna happen.
I question your motives for even wanting them there. Sounds like you just want to show off the fact that you got lucky and married money.
Lastly, I completely disagree with keeping your marriage a secret from your family. I would not attend a Destination Wedding for a reinactment, and I’d be pissed to find out I wasn’t witnessing the actual vows.
So many things wrong on so many levels. If every single Bee here is telling you the same thing, that this is a trainwreck, then don’t you think you need to rethink your plans? Oh wait, your vision and showing up your relatives is more important.