Post # 1
My honey and I have recently decided on a venue and a date! 11/12/2020. While we were discussing venues and budgeting, his mother overheard us and questioned why we are planning to pay for our wedding ourselves. I know traditionally my family should be footing the bill, but my family still has 2 kids at home and that is just not an option. We’re going into this planning to pay for it ourselves, but we would accept help if offered. I would rather do that than to plan for extra cash that we may not get. His mother seems to dislike the idea of both of us paying for our own wedding and favors tradition more. How else can I explain it to her?
Post # 2
Assuming you and your Fiance are both adults why do you need to explain anything to her? Most adults today pay for their own weddings.
Post # 3
mrsferrick : you’re wondering how to explain to her that your family is unable to pay for your wedding? And from the sounds of it, if they were able to, it doesn’t sound like you would want them to pay because they have younger kids at home.
Just say, my parents would love to if they could, but they have other priorities with my younger siblings at home, and even if they could pay, I would rather they focus on my younger siblings.
That’s a mature, selfless attitude to have and I’m hoping your mil sees it for what it is
Post # 4
mrsferrick : “We are more than happy to pay for it ourselves, that way we can control every aspect of it and have everything just as we want! – Mic drop, End of convo. It is so, so rude for her to comment.
Post # 5
Just tell her it is your wedding, your choice and therefore you and your fiance will be paying for it.
She doesn’t want you guys to pay, or herself but she would be happy for your parents to foot the bill?!
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains
No pay, no say.
say to your Future Mother-In-Law: “Thank you for your advice, however, by paying for the wedding ourselves we are able to create the vision we would like to have for our special day.”
Kill with kindness. Its none of her business to imply that your family should foot the bill and if there are financial issues that would prevent your family from contributing there’s no reason to give her that bit of information. If there are things that Future Mother-In-Law would like to see in the wedding she may suggest a contribution towards it. Less info is more. Don’t do any other planning/discussion about it around her if you can avoid it.
Post # 7
You are all kinder than I. Does she just “seem” to not like the idea or has she actually said something to you and told you that she doesnt approve. If the latter, I’d have to tell her to keep her nose out of her business (maybe a bit nicer than those words since she’ll be in your life forever). Neither how you spend, or how you spend your parents money is any of her concern and I would make that 100% clear to her.
Post # 9
- Wedding: March 2020 - City, State
She doesn’t get to disapprove of you paying for it unless she offers to pay for it herself. If she does offer, which it doesn’t sound like she’s going to, make sure there are clear boundaries on what she’s paying for (aka what she gets control over), or how much say she gets in where the money goes.
Post # 10
mrsferrick : I’m not sure how your Mother-In-Law knows your footing the bill. If she asked directly, that’s rude, and you could have answered that you feel uncomfortable discussing financials. Knowing this is how your Mother-In-Law feels, I would refrain from discussing anything budgetary with her. If she doesn’t like that you and your Fiance are paying, she’s welcome to offer to pay, but to assume someone else should foot the bill is just beyond the pale.
Now that she does know who’s paying though, I would just say, “We’re paying for the wedding ourselves. We feel it’s our responsibility to pay for our own celebration.”
Post # 11
It always seems like boy parents are the ones to clamor for a traditional split of costs. Can’t imagine why.
Just tell her that they can’t. You don’t owe her an apology.
Post # 12
You don’t owe her an explanation. Frankly, it’s none of her business how your wedding gets paid for.
Post # 13
LOl. You don’t need to explain it to her, just carry on as you were planning your wedding. I love how she is insisting on a tradition that sticks your family with the bill. Since she is so traditional, are they insisting on paying for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon? Isn’t that the groom’s family’s “responsibility”?
Post # 14
“As two adults set to embark on the next stage of our lives together, we feel it would be inappropriate for anyone other than ourselves to pay for our wedding. It is especially inappropriate for us to expect it be so completely one sided as to fall solely on my parents. We have worked out a budget that we are comfortable spending of our own money and this also means that we get final say on everything and don’t need to compromise because someone else is footing the bill.”
That also tells her she doesn’t get to butt in on wedding decisions.
Post # 15
“Most adults today pay for their own weddings.”
Ehh, I think most adults get some help from family. Our families paid for a 1/3 of the costs each, and we paid for a 1/3 ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with families pooling their resources together to put together a nice celebration. However, one side cannot dictate that the other pays because “tradition.”