(Closed) Paying For The House I Didn’t Want…

posted 10 years ago in Home
Post # 47
2128 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Honestly no flames from me either. I think it’s great that your DH stepped up in the family business. Not all children do that, so your Mother-In-Law should be lucky! Otherwise it would prob go belly up and she’d have NOTHING to live off of.

I know you’re already married, but in your case I would have had a prenup. So you knew what was yours and DH’s and what you all would and wouldn’t inherit. I feel like this family business needs to do some sucession planning and tax prep before your MIL’s generation dies off or becomes too ill to work any longer (the uncles are still working I assume?)

Post # 49
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@CherryWaves:  Yikes. I read your story awhile back on how your DH sprung a prenup on you last minute before the wedding. While I hope your current situation isn’t as dire as

View original reply
Zanne54 has mentioned, I would definitely suggest getting an estate attorney involved with succession planning. The farm ownership is complicated, and the way you describe your DH, he seems incredibly stubborn and he holds the trump card in all your decisions. I hope this isn’t the case for your sake, but please continue to stand up for yourself in your joint decisions.

Post # 50
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@PinkMagnolia:  In Canada we essentially DO NOT have Inheritance Taxes… the taxes are paid out by the Dead Person’s Estate… assets are said to liquidate just prior to the moment of passing.  With a place of Residence they are less than just another property (ie Cottage, Investment Properties etc).  This is crucial in this mix because the Mother-In-Law is not living in this farmhouse.

The advice given by a Previous Poster is good… the OP needs to consult with a Lawyer – Tax Expert etc.  She SHOULD NOT SIGN ANYTHING until she knows the consequences of such an action in that she is (a) NOT married, and (b) HOW it would affect her once she is.


Post # 51
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@This Time Round:  She is married. It looks like they got married in December 2011.

Post # 53
99 posts
Worker bee


I can’t believe you’ve been living in a sunroom since November with ZERO progress! Please don’t tell me that all your DH’s spare time is full with installing tiles & granite counters at his M’s house.  Because I’ll go ballistic on your behalf!

Add to that the fact you don’t have any voice in this relationship and I’m concerned for your long-term happiness.  Is this a pattern in your relationship from the beginning or did it all change the moment you moved in (ie were reeled in & landed).

The single biggest mistake I made in my marriage was not standing up for myself at 9 months in. ExH and I had a huge fight – over the amount of time a female friend (mine first) was “hanging” out with us (almost every single day).  In hindsight, I should have stood up for myself and sent him packing but I was caught off guard by his manipulations and too embarassed to even contemplate a marriage ending after only 9 months.  What he learned from this was he could not give a shit about my happiness and could steamroller me to make himself happy (at my expense)

Fast forward 4-1/2 more years of increasing misery, neglect & verbal & emotional abuse and I ended it.  6 months after the divorce was final – he remarried her.  

My biggest regret about all of this? I met my ex when I was 25, married him at 29 and separated from him at 34 and the divorce was final at 35.  I was seriously screwed up by the relationship, and there’s slim pickings in good men once you hit your mid-to-late 30’s.  I was 37 by the time I levelled out and met my current BF.  I’m 40 now and although I’m very happy with him, I regret wasting so much time on a marriage that only one of us was contributing to – it cost me my dreams of having children. 

If there’s anything I can advise you on, it’s this:  Start as you mean to go on.  You’ve already let 5-6 months slide – you’re teaching your DH that you’ll settle for whatever scraps he chooses to give you, after the farm, his mother, etc.  Stop letting him string you along and stand up for yourself – make that stand and DEMAND that he treat you as his wife, his queen, his partner, his #1 priority.  If I were you, I’d be moving out of that dump post-haste and refusing to move back in until the financial arrangements with Mother-In-Law are settled and the renovations are complete (or at least complete enough that you can be comfortable).  And if that act should lead to a permanent rift, where he doesn’t choose YOU – then count yourself lucky and get out before kids/you waste any more time. 

Post # 54
79 posts
Worker bee

DO NOT spend any of your money (or DH’s money) on a house you don’t own. If you buy the house and neither Mother-In-Law nor any of her family have any kind of stake in your property any longer, and you are the sole owners, then (and only then) spend money on renovations.

Also make sure you get an independent valuation before deciding how much to pay Mother-In-Law for the house. Don’t pay her more than the market value, no matter how broke she is. It’s her problem if she’s broke, not yours; you should not subsidize her. If she owes DH money (you said she owes money to the farm), then the price of the house should be discounted by that amount.

If DH didn’t work on the farm, I’d suggest that Mother-In-Law sell it to someone else and you buy your own house elsewhere. Unfortunately it seems like you’re locked into owning this particular house because DH works on the premises, whether you want it or not. Could you not buy a different house and have DH relocate his work there?


Post # 57
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Don’t start paying your Mother-In-Law for the house or the land.  I’d get it appraised and take out a mortgage to buy it from her.  Get her name off of it completely before you put a dime into it.

I’m getting the vibe that your Mother-In-Law is taking advantage of you, and your husband is not only happy to let her do it, he’s manipulating you.

The part where you said you’d been standing up for yourself the whole time–that made me feel really badly for you.  You shouldn’t be in a position where you constantly have to do that.

Another thing–if his mom neglected to plan for her “retirement” and he wants her to live comfortably–TOUGH SHIT!  It’s not your problem and he shouldn’t try to make it your problem.

Post # 58
1 posts

Ok, I’m new at this but here goes….

Your Mother-In-Law moved out of her home and into a different place so you could move in.  You’ve bin living there for 5 months now for free.  Mother-In-Law essentially owns 2 houses.  You feel that Mother-In-Law should work full time to pay a mortgage whilst deeding her old house to you and DH so you can continue to sit pretty without any payments.  I think you are nuts!!!  Don’t you think that Mother-In-Law has put in her time over the years?!?  I mean, she has worked hard all her life, is a 1/3 owner in a successful farming operation, and now you think at her age she should go back to work to pay a mortgage?? That’s crazy!! How ’bout you and DH pay a freakin’ mortgage!!  Sounds like you expect everything handed to you on a silver platter…………..

I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but you sound like a bit of a princess.  You talk about your Mother-In-Law like she’s already dead!  Sounds like you want the inheritance before she’s even gone! Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and maybe when she as you so callusly put it “croaks”, then DH can inherit it and it will be yours. 

Post # 59
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@CherryWaves:  I’ve come back to this topic because I just read your “Adieu” post, and I wanted to see if there had been any NEW developments.

First let me say, that I 100% understand.  Farming as a Family Buisness is a tough road to hoe, and Inheritances with Family Farms (especially so when there are multi-generations involved) a difficult situation at the best of times.

I for one TOTALLY GET not wanting to pay for a house you don’t like, and more so for one that requires extensive renos, and has issues like mould etc.  And I think that is the prime focus of this topic, and no doubt WHY you made it the title as well.  

Others who have replied have spent more time dissing you for providing us with other info, that certainly comes into play when explaining the situation to others, and how that all relates… but the primary issue is YOU (more so than your Hubby) will be paying for an older house, that needs renovations… a house that not only you don’t like, but don’t have your name on the deed, or even know for sure will belong to the two of you when all is said in done (when Mother-In-Law passes… as there are others who also own 2/3 of the farm).

I see where others have posted about your MILs situation and the new house, and I do get that she has decided to leave the farm for a house in town now that her son has married.  This is not unusual in a farming family.  That the younger generation takes over the farm, and that the Parents move on…

So it is well and good the lifestyle she is living is essentially her retirement (I get it that she has worked hard on the farm all these years)… BUT someone should have told you that was how this was going to be upfront.  Something that is “common knowledge” in rural Canada, isn’t necessarily so for those who don’t live out in the country around the farm.

The finer details of her son (and you) working on and ultimately inheriting a piece of this farm, should have been worked out ideally BEFORE you got married, but certainly BEFORE the Mother-In-Law had struck a deal with her son and moved to town !!

So I totally understand your concerns and worries in this regard.  No one in their right mind would dish out 1000s of dollars in renos on a “rental”… nor would they pay $ 300 to $ 400 Thousand for a house that ultimately may never be theres.

That is, WHAT IS NUTS !! (Not you)

I wasn’t on these Boards back when you got engaged & married, so I don’t know the whole background story on your relationship… BUT it does sound to me from this post that your Hubby has been “conveniently” not telling you everything… and therefore that is a form of manipulation.  Certainly emotional manipulation for not sharing info… but this does look too like financial abuse from where I sit (been there done that).

As I said in my last post, you need some good legal, real estate, and tax advice.

I am sorry to hear that this situation has become even more dire… and that you have posted today about seperating.  BUT I do understand totally WHY.  You need to protect what you came into this marriage with (that money from the sale of the condo).  I hate to say it, but it does look to me like your investment was ear-marked as an easy inflow of CASH to a part of the farm that needed work.

Fine and dandy if that is what the two of you agreed on (a life on the farm)… BUT if it wasn’t… and it doesn’t look to be so from your initial posting… then it is probably good that you two are taking some time apart to think this all thru.  Marriage can be difficult at times, especially when money is strained, and communications aren’t best.  You guys need to get back on the same page.

If that isn’t possible… in that you have different ideas about your lives and where they are going… then better to move on while you are still young.  It will be a painful lesson for you (I am sooo sorry you have to go thru this)… but in the long run you’ll be better off for it.  You don’t want to be in a relationship where the Parents call the shots, and YOUR spouce cow-tows to their call.  You want a man who puts you first in his life, and your life as a couple above that of what others think.

(( HUGS ))


Post # 60
1017 posts
Bumble bee

Your Mother-In-Law moved out of her home and into a different place so you could move in.  You’ve bin living there for 5 months now for free.  Mother-In-Law essentially owns 2 houses.  You feel that Mother-In-Law should work full time to pay a mortgage whilst deeding her old house to you and DH so you can continue to sit pretty without any payments.  I think you are nuts!!!


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