"Paying for the wedding" vent

posted 6 months ago in Family
Post # 16
4582 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

It’s definitely not an expectation or rule anymore, though in my circles, the bride’s family paid for most of their weddings (offered by the parents with no expectation by the couple).  OP, I would keep firm about what YOU want: a smaller wedding.  People can think whatever they want about what your wedding “should” be or who “should” pay, but it’s none of their business.  It sounds like you and your FH had a nice compromise before each of your parents shared their unsolicited opinions.  I’d stick to that plan and host what you are comfortable paying for.  

Post # 17
20 posts
  • Wedding: August 2020

When I got married I knew my parents wouldn’t be able to pay for the whole thing. They helped out with what they could and so did my husbands parents, but we paid for the wedding we wanted. Stop letting others tell you what kind of wedding you should have. Have the wedding you want and stick to a budget you and your fiance are comfortable. You don’t need to spend thounds of dollars on a wedding.

Post # 18
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It’s your big day, and your decision how you want the wedding/reception, just keep reiterating that…..

And to be clear, you wanted court house and small intimate restaurant reception but your spouse wanted a bigger reception…and you’ve decided to be on board with the bigger reception….. is the wedding portion going to be smaller like you wanted?

Post # 19
122 posts
Blushing bee

I just want to echo what someone said above me: “everyone has an opinion on how a wedding should go”. THIS. Everyone has a wonderful opinion on what you should do/serve/wear/decorate/act…stay strong, remember what YOU want and best of luck. As someone who is also planning a wedding, I need to remind myself of this constantly! 🙂 


It is also hard because in my experience these people actually think they are helping, believe it or not undecided no, you are just stressing me the F*** out! lol

Post # 20
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Surviving wedding planning is all about learning how to let this stuff roll off your back.  Make sure you and your fiance are good with the choices you’ve made between you and stick to that.

One thing I feel like planning my own wedding taught me was the fine art of being non committal. Instead of being like “NO MOM WE ARE NOT DOING THAT” or challenging people when they share their dumb ideas (Which is my normal reaction to be stubborn) being like “oh interesting, we’ll think about it” or “oh yes that could be nice” and then just moving on without doing that thing. It worked pretty well.

Also good is “we’re so excited for this wedding and we are so excited for you to be there and see everything we’ve planned! I want you to be surprised and not have to lift a finger and have a lovely time!” – also a good way to get people to butt out on things when people are like “are you going to do this? you should do this!” we were just like “oh you’lll see, just wait, its a suprise”. No one can argue with a secret.

Also I was a person who didn’t want a big wedding and my spouse wanted one and so I gave in and can I recommend if possible making peace with your choice as soon as you possibly can? I think I could have been more gracious once we made that compromise in thinking about it as a gift to him instead of muttering “I didn’t even want a big wedding” which i did a little too often through the planning.  I brought stress to that I wish now that i’d eased up a bit. Its a fine line because a lot of work/expectation tends to fall on the woman in a hetero couple, and if you agree to the bigger wedding it can feel like such a racket, so just make a budget, stick to it, cut out all the frills if you can and assign out tasks to people who care about them and make sure if your spouse is the one who wants the big wedding that they’re doing their part.

During the year after our wedding I would occasionally think how we could have saved more money but since then, some of the relatives I would have cut entirely for our smaller wedding have died and now the price was worth it. What a comfort that memory is for my husband and my in laws. yes, having more savings would be nice, but I know my husband and Mother-In-Law wouldn’t count money as more important that seeing Aunt Debbie that last time and the joy she felt being there. So just understand that there is some benefit to the higher price tag. I’m sure you do but its worth remembering. I know I probably would have liked a smaller wedding more, but I’m so glad we gave that gift to those relatives.

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