(Closed) Pedophile In the Family

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My uncle by marriage was a pedophile and molested at least one if not two of his children. He was also physically abusive. It happened when I was a child so it is something that was always known. Obviously I learned all the details as an adult. I do know he spent many years in jail and it was part of his parole that he was not allowed around his children until they turned 18. I know they have a great relationship with his family.

He was the bad apple, not his family. And that is how my aunt raised the kids to be.

Post # 5
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t have any specific experience with pedophiles, but I do have a brother who has struggled with substance abuse and has been incarcerated several times.

It is hard on our mom, she is really sensitive and has always felt the need to protect him.  Unfortunately, she ended up making excuses for every bad behavior he had as a child (oh, he has adhd, oh, poor guy his dad left us, etc) but it ended up leaving him completely unable to be accountable for his own actions as an adult.

Anyway, the point is this:  nobody really brings it up when he’s in jail unless my mom does, and it kind of becomes the elephant in the room.  This most recent jail stint, I made it a point to ask about him, and it seemed to make my mom feel better that someone else still gives a crap about him after everything he’s done.

Again, not the same offense at all, but it’s hard on the rest of the family to deal with the aftermath.  Maybe you can reach out to the family and let them know you’re thinking of them?

Post # 6
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

In that case I would call her. Let her know you would love to have her there. But that you understand if she does not feel up to it. Let them know that family is family. 

Post # 8
Member
46421 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you have the strength, I would reach out to the aunt and the rest of the family. Tell them how much you value having them stay involved in your life. Give them a special invitation to come to the wedding events. If they come, be super gracious and welcoming to them, and your other guests will take their cue from you.

Think of how difficult this is for them. Nobody raises a son to be a pedophile. They are hard wired this way.

Looking forward, I would definitely never expose my children to this man, but his family shouldn’t be made to suffer for his crimes.

Post # 10
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@eagle:  That sounds perfectly appropriate 🙂 Even if she doesn’t reach out to you in return, just know that it must be so comforting to her to know that you don’t hold his actions against anyone but him.

Post # 11
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Yeah, the card thing is a great idea. It is unfortunate but they should not have to feel uncomfortable for what he did. They didn’t do anything wrong.

I am alittle confused about why your dad feels like you punishing the whole family because you won’t want to be around him and your kids around him either. Um, the guy is a pedophile?

 

Post # 14
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@eagle:  mistake!? congrats to you for keeping your ground. these “mistakes” end up scarring children for their entire lives, and many children who are also told that “it was a mistake” go on and make those “mistakes” themselves. I would not even waiver in my ground to keep him away from your wedding, family, life, and future children. However, I would personally contact his family to make sure they are coming to the events and just let your inner circle know and be on the lookout for situations that could make your aunt and grandma uncomfortable. I feel bad for your grandpa, it’s something he deserves to know in my opinion, but to each their own.

Post # 15
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a really hard issue.  My family is divided over a pedophile.  He is my Uncle (Dad’s Brother).  I was the 6yr old girl he molested.  They say for everyone 1 child that comes forward 40 dont.   It is a sickness.  I somehow doubt this was his first, nor his last molestation.

The whole family kinda knew this guy was creepy, but no one could do anything.

Most of that side of the family will not be invited to my wedding.  I know that bothers my Mother.  Its 41yrs later and I’m still not over it or how that half of the family treated me when I told them.  

My slightly tainted advice is to leave them be.   I’m sure they are devastated, embarassed, and likely feeling guilty that they could have done something to stop it.   Although no one will say anything to them directly, do you really want everyone whispering about him at your wedding?  Its your day.  You can offer them support.  But don’t psuh them to come.

 

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